Barbara L Probable NDE

Experience Description

I was in my second year of college and wasn't happy at all with my life. I was ignored by a graduate student whom I had a crush on. His rejection of me was the proverbial straw that made me decide that suicide was a rational choice. I'd read Camus, 'The Myth of Sisyphus' in high school which seemed to support this decision.

I bought a bottle of pills from the local drug store and washed the pills down with alcohol.

I lay down on my bed waiting to fall asleep. Much to my surprise my mind remained clear and I didn't feel at all sleepy. My limbs got heavy, but that was all that I noticed. Hours passed. I got up because I was sick to my stomach and went back to my bed and waited. My eyes were closed.

All of a sudden, I found myself in a eerily strange place. In front of me, I saw an eternity of nothingness. I immediately decided that Anything would be better than Nothing.

I opened my eyes and found myself on my bed. My arms and legs felt like anvils, but I managed to get off my bed and crawl to the phone in the hallway. I called a friend and told him I'd overdosed. He got me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. I was unconscious for two days.

In order to stay in school, I was required to see the university's head psychiatrist every week. I assured him that I'd never attempt suicide again but never told him why. I didn't trust him and assumed he wouldn't understand. I thought of my experience as a vision until relatively recently when I was interviewed by Bruce Greyson about myself. I recognized a second NDE in 1969, which was 'heavenly'.


Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: Spring 1966

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No. Suicide attempt. Drug or medication overdose Life threatening event, but not clinical death

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal It was like reality on steroids.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? A few hours after my overdose, while I was waiting to fall asleep. I had my eyes closed

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning. Time lost meaning.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. All senses were heightened.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Nothing audible was noticed.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes It was dim, weird, and unwelcoming.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm. It was a foreboding and eternal cosmic void.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Horror.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? No

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life. I realized that anything is better than nothing and was now willing to take my chances with life.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Catholic I left the church by the end of high school. I had no belief in an afterlife. I expected my overdose to result in an endless and dreamless sleep.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Uncertain Not with this first NDE, but with the second one.

What is your religion now? Other faiths- Unitarian and other liberal faiths. I consider myself spiritual, but not religious.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. I believed death was the end but found out I was wrong.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Suicide may be the right decision for some people, but it wasn't for me.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain I knew that suicide was not the right existential answer for my problems.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife does exist. Yes I became aware of an infinite and bleak eternity that words can't describe.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life .I dropped out of school and went to San Francisco for the rest of the turbulent 1960's. I eventually got my BA at UC Berkeley on my 30th birthday, settled down, had two children, worked different jobs and I'm now retired.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Uncertain My second and positive NDE changed my relationships more than this negative one did.

After the NDE:

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. I don't remember much that happened to me, but my NDE remains clearly etched in my consciousness.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? No.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes 45-50 years after my NDEs I spoke at a few IANDS presentations.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It made me realize that my solution to life was definitely NOT suicide.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I can't think of anything else now.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? This questionnaire seems very thorough. I hope my input can be of help. Thanks for doing this work.