Miguel A STE

Experience Description

It seemed that everything had already happened when I came out of the retreat. After the dinner and after-dinner talk, I had the feeling that I was back to normal. So, I got behind the wheel and drove off. I drove slowly. The day was sunny and calm. Although the landscape was beautiful, there was nothing to keep me awake. I felt the usual tiredness and the desire to get home. I don't remember much else about the trip, but I vividly remember the experience I'm going to tell you now.

I went up the Escudo pass, which separates the Plateau from Cantabria. I had about two hundred kilometers left to drive home. I was looking at the landscape, and contemplating the mountains, the trees, and the rocks. Then I started to see each thing as a manifestation of all. I thought, 'The mountains are it; the rocks are it, trees are it.' Then I asked myself the question, 'And me? Who am I?' Suddenly, I felt the answer with enormous clarity as I thought to myself, 'I am who I am.'

Why is that such a special revelation? Because the answear came from the Hara (the lower abdomen) instead of my head. It occurred as a physical sign, as if someone was writing it from within. It was as if lightning had carved the answer out of rock, or branded it with fire. That phrase clearly came from somewhere else; from another dimension, so to speak.

Then there was something like an explosion in my Hara. It wasn't an explosion, of course, but if I could use one word to describe it, the closest thing to it is an explosion. I had been practicing koan zen until the retreat. Then during the retreat, I had formally passed the initiation. In an ancient book called Mummonkan, or the Gateless Barrier, it is a book about koans zen. Mummon's comment to the koan Mu was 'And suddenly an explosive conversion will take place, the sky will be amazed and the earth will shake.' This is what happened to me. Those words are real and not a symbolic image as I expected.

It was as if all the earth was retreating under my feet. I couldn't believe what was happening. Since I was driving, I thought that this was going to be my end. Around me, everything seemed to dissolve. But in reality, it was me who dissolved. I saw that if I didn't stop the car, I would be killed because I couldn't see the road anymore. Then I heard in my head, 'Don't hold onto anything.' I couldn't hold onto anything because… THERE WAS NOTHING TO HOLD ON TO!

I felt strongly that I should continue driving because whatever happened, I had to lead a normal life. If I stopped the car, I would have to stop my activities at other times. For example, during a class with students, or in a work meeting with parents, I could not continue with my usual activities. It would be like falling into madness. Nobody would be able to understand what was happening to me, not even doctors or psychiatrists. They would only treat me with medication and not address the underlying issue.

During my experience, I didn't linearly think of things. Those thoughts could have happened in a fraction of a second because afterward, I can't describe anything else. I was conscious because I remember having merged with the car and driving. But there is not a single memory of what happened while I was driving. Someone was driving the car, but it wasn't me. My body seemed to disappear. Perhaps I merged with the entire Universe? I didn't have a single thought. There was God and the Universe.

How long did the experience last? There was no time, so talking about duration is meaningless. It could have been there forever, I guess. I might never have returned, but eventually, I came back. Suddenly, I saw red lights in the fog. The last memory I have from before was a sunny landscape and now, I was in the middle of a thick fog. Although it was cold, I had the windows open and was sweating. My whole body was hot. I was full of a type of energy unknown to me yet.

At that moment, I saw a person approach. I made out his policeman uniform. I thought I'd get pulled over for reckless driving or something. 'He will notice something,' I thought to myself. 'Surely, I can't even speak,' came to my mind a fraction of a second later. I wasn't really thinking, but there were fleeting bits of mental activity. I can say that I was probably in a pure samadhi state of consciousness. Everything was perfect. Of such perfection that I still remember it. The fog was very thick, but wonderful; the parking lights of the car parked there shone in a peculiarly beautiful way. I remember those lights very clearly.

Then the person in uniform came up to me.

'Hi, good afternoon,' he said.

'Good afternoon', I answered without any thought in my mind. I was surprised that I could speak so clearly.

He said, 'There has been an accident. Be careful with the fog.'

'Okay, thank you,' I replied.

The words came out of me as if by magic, since I did not think them. They did not come to form in my mind. They reached my mouth directly without leaving a trace in the brain.

'And put your seat belt on,' he added.

Then I realized I wasn't wearing it. I had not unconsciously removed it because the image came to me of having taken the seat belt off while driving I can't understand how I remembered it, as there wasn't a single memory properly speaking. And yet, I was aware that I had taken it off. It's something I can't explain. The memories seemed to be there, but I never tried to recall them.

Since then, I know for myself that the mind does not disappear when you stop thinking. Strange as it may sound, the mind works best without thinking. There is an intelligence that is not one of thought, and that is far superior. It is the intelligence of the Universe?

We cannot do it consciously. But we can create because we do. Our heart beats constantly, Our eyes see... We perceive with our senses, naturally. We do it at all times, without getting tired, without being overwhelmed. Could we do that just with our thought? If every heartbeat had to be done rationally, the work would be impossible. And we would have to control thousands of bodily functions at the same time. We should always be awake, working incessantly, exhaustingly. But it is not necessary. We do everything without thinking.

I do not know how to explain it. I suppose it is impossible to do it, but I will try at least. From that day on I knew that we are not the limited being that we think we are. We are not the linear being that lives in linear space and time. We are not a limited entity that lives at the mercy of the elements, as we have been led to believe. That is an error. We are a being that encompasses past, present, and future, and right now. And it encompasses the entire Universe.

The fault is in the way we think. There is nothing wrong with thinking. The bad thing is in thinking constantly and without control. We must and can learn to think consciously because that is what it is all about. By not thinking, the ego disappears, which leads to a panic reaction. The ego rules over us and places a screen around us that separates us from the Universe. We believe we exist separately and we have created our entire way of life on that basis. Our civilization and our society have grown up on the wrong foundation. And so it goes!

Our cities, our work, our way of functioning, are based on the fact that we are isolated entities, egos that think. Egos locked in a body that doesn't even respond to our wishes. Egos that perform what is considered the highest activity of all that can exist: rational thinking. Little fatuous egos that don't really exist, though we take them for granted. But we are not that. If we let ourselves be carried away, even for an instant, we would discover that we are the same Universe. And we would think we had gone crazy when it is just the opposite. It is now when we are, seeing ourselves as thinking and alienated entities.

'What was given to me at the time, would not fit in a whole library,' I wrote to my teacher several days later. 'It was as if in a moment, all my questions had been answered. There was nothing I didn't know. But I couldn't explain what I knew. If someone asks me, what do I know, I would say I don't know'

None of that has been erased from my mind. I can still remember it. It was not like other memories, locked in a limited space-time reality. This memory is different. It is like the ocean, which does not fit in a glass. The glass is the thinking mind, and the ocean is the Universal Mind. How to put into words or concepts, what is unlimited? It's not possible. I have never tried. But sometimes I read or hear people who manage to put into words things that normally are not possible to express. And then I say to myself, 'Yes, it is possible to put pieces of eternity in time' And it is necessary, because the world needs it, today, more than ever.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: May 9 1987

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No. Intensive practice of zazen under the guidance of a Zen teacher

Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain. In the beginning, I felt I was disappearing or dissolving. But then I felt I was coming into union with something superior. It was another reality - The Reality.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I was in a heightened state of consciousness

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning. It was totally different, but I cannot explain why.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I felt this the answer, 'I am who I am', but it wasn't a voice. It was rather a sound, like something writing 'Hara' in Japanese and on my belly.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain. It was rather what is called 'emptiness' in Buddhism. But it wasn't space and it's impossible to describe.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain. I didn't see a light. Everything was Light. I disappeared in the light.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm. My senses were working but I didn't have to be thinking about what I felt. In fact, I don't remember anything about driving, but I had driven for a long distance without any problem

What emotions did you feel during the experience? In the beginning, I felt fear. Then, I felt incredible bliss.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe. I didn't have a conscious sense of anything because I had no thoughts. Rather, I was one with the inner knowledge. What I perceived was a totally different reality. When I 'came back', I remember it like Reality with capital letters.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes. The experience changed my life completely. After that, I was COMPLETELY SURE that the mind survives death (not the thinking mind, but the essence of the mind, the true self). After that experience, I took very seriously the practice of Zen, which I have continued without interruption for more than 3 decades.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Yes I had many changes. After the experience, I have been always aware of that Reality. The experience itself didn't last much, just a few days after that trip, but afterward, the doubt never came back. Of course, it wasn't easy to live with it. I knew more than people around me could accept, and I was no one for them: I wasn't a priest or a monk. I was just a normal guy, with a family and work career, whom nothing like that could possibly happen. I could never try to convince them that Reality is inside each one of us. So I never spoke about it with anybody. I practiced Zen intensely though. I sat in zazen for at least two hours every day, and I made sesshin (retreats with my teacher and other sangha members) at least 6 times a year. I spent time in the Zen Center during summer vacation and practices intensely. I worked out hundreds of koans, and I met other Zen Masters around the globe. But for some reason, I never became a Zen teacher myself. I traveled to Japan several times, and I met a great Zen Master in Bukkokuji 11 years ago, and he made me formally his disciple. I got a dharma name. But he passed away four years ago and he didn't leave any Zen school behind. Now that I am retired as a School teacher I don't have a formal teacher but practice Zen intensely on my own. Every day I do several hours of meditation.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes impossible to find the words, or make any reference to something similar

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The best was the relief of all my doubts about life and death. The worst is that I can't transmit it to others. It's impossible.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I was many years without saying anything, except to my teachers. Recently I wrote a book about Zen, where I spoke of it. Now I am telling it here. Apart from this, I have seldom mentioned it to others.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes During my Zen practice of the koans, I had many other experiences. One of them was even deeper. The rest were not as much. After 5 years I asked not to have more experiences and they ceased immediately. They never came back.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Reading the NDE's of many people on this page, I have seen that mine is very similar to many of them, except that my life wasn't endangered. I think that somehow I passed for an NDE myself when I was driving the car and I felt the explosion in my 'hara'. I am sure I disappeared in the Light which many people speak about when they describe their experiences. I totally understand their feelings when they express they felt immersed in Love etc. It happened to me exactly the same. I know that Love myself. I didn't have any experience of meeting dead people or angels etc. but it is because in Zen we are trained to discard those intermediate experiences, that are called 'makyos' in Zen. But I understand those visions when they are described by people. For me, they are not the last reality, though. The last reality is the Light that most of them mention in their stories. The rest are like dreams, and they are not the most important matter. But I love the stories. Many of the persons who describe them put the emphasis on the descriptions when the really important thing is when they disappear in the Light. I suppose it happens to them but they cannot remember, because there is nothing you can say about it. What they experience before they get into the Light, is like the way towards it. I have not said anything about my way, because it would take too much time. I have related only the last thing, that happened when I was driving the car after the retreat. After that experience, many others came during several years, until consciously I prayed not to have more. They were too strong sometimes. I could not manage them. Now I don't have them anymore.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I don't see any other questions that can improve the questionnaire. It's very well done.