Audra L NDE

Experience Description

When I first heard about this phenomenon, I think it was from an Oprah Winfrey show many years ago. I was transfixed at the time; more with the potential of it. The concept had never occurred to me and I liked it, but I did 'know' it was ridiculous.

I assumed these guests who claimed to have experienced it were making it up for reasons unknown. I thought they needed to get out and make new friends instead of begging attention by creating bizarre and unbelievably laughable stories.

But then it happened to me. Then it really was in my best interests to do all I could to discredit it.

I'm suddenly falling down a hole that's just a little bit wider than my body. As I'm falling, I'm scrabbling on the crumbling inner walls of this hole for something to hold onto. It smelled like tar and I could feel how rough it was against my fingers. I couldn't see anything below me or above me. There was this rocky dusty substance that was flying all over the place, especially in my face. I couldn't breathe and I started shouting, 'Help me, I can't breathe!' But the more I shouted, the faster I fell.

Then the scene changed. I was in my bedroom with my partner, son, and several paramedics. I was tired. They took me to an ambulance, that took me to hospital. The told me that I had experienced a grand mal seizure or what is now known as a tonic clonic seizure.

I asked them if I was about to die because the experience of not being able to breathe was at the front of my mind. They said it was lucky that my partner was there.

I told my partner that I was falling down a tunnel and that there was no light at the end. I told him how horrifying it was and that there was nothing I could do to help myself. He passed this off. I was just glad that I was going to be all right.

For a long time this experience really bothered me. I thought that if I had been dying, then I was going to a horrible place because it definitely was not a smooth journey wherever the destination was. I did not believe in the near death experience phenomenon so how could I have been a willing participant?

There was no doubt in my mind that the experience had happened. I knew it was not Wishful Thinking because of the negativity of the experience and because I did not believe in it.

I had been in a medically-induced coma when I was 17 years old. When I woke up from the coma, I remembered nothing. I did not dream and did not remember seeing anything or being conscious of anything. I still describe it as a place of nothingness. I think if near death experience was real then surely, I would have seen something when I was 17. It would have validate the near death experience I had years later. However, like I said, it was nothingness. But at that time, I had never heard of near death experience.

It really scared me because it got me thinking about why I would be going to hell and what had I done so wrong to deserve going there. Obviously I was not perfect, I have made mistakes I'm sure I have hurt people but deliberately? No, never to my knowledge. I knew I had told lies in the history of my life but nothing out of the ordinary as most people do I knew I had cut corners when I could have done a better job at something as most people do, I questioned everything I had done for years if not decades. I questioned my nature to find an answer as to why I was so bad to deserve going to hell I picked apart every last piece of me to find that answer, people would say I think too much or I'm too forgiving or I'm overthinking everything. Anyone that has known me would say I am the sort of person that always pulls myself down and it's true for various reasons, and this near death experience only added to that.

A friend of mine did some research for me in the internet's early years in 1995 to try and discover what the negative near death experience might mean. It basically said that a negative near death experience did not necessarily mean that the person experiencing it had been a bad person. However, the majority of articles talked about positive near death experiences and how the survivors fell a renewed sense of living life to the fullest often because they knew there was something better on the other side. Perhaps then this explained why I felt the opposite, that there was nothing but damnation waiting for me. I was more determined to be good be sincere be honest try harder be worthy of and be righteous and sincere, fight for people who couldn't fight for themselves be noble show courage resist evil.

I'd like to think that somewhere deep in my subconscious my brain created a metaphor in a crisis situation based on something I had seen on T.V about dying. I still struggle with the idea that I had a negative one and that therefore it means I am a bad person. Maybe I was? maybe I needed to think about everything that I say and do? maybe I needed a little self discipline and it was the only way that I would learn? Maybe it was nothing more than a memory that created a consciousness that was as relevant as a dream?

I continue to live in this bondage like fear based state of doing all I can to deserve my place here and earn my place in the afterlife. Even when I do good I scrutinise my sincerity and intention ('was that really for them or was it for me?') I'm happy to say I am definitely a better person now but not a happier person for having had that experience.


Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 1995

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Illness Life threatening event, but not clinical death I had a grand mal seizure

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? No No

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I have never felt as alert before or since

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I thought all the way through that I was wide awake but in fact I was having a seizure to onlookers

Were your thoughts speeded up? Faster than usual

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual I was falling faster and faster

Were your senses More vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. on full alert I saw every detail

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. the only thing I could hear is myself shouting help me

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes just more than the width of my body, a crumbly dry tar rocky substance that I could feel

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? fear

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? No

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Religious unaffiliated

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Uncertain I don't know if it is a direct result of that experience but my overall mentally caused by the event has made me more inclined to be religious/spiritual

What is your religion now? Christian- Protestant

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I don't want to go to hell and have assumed that's where I was going so I became an overthinker which hasn't helped me really

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife probably exists No

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Uncertain I am less judgmental because I have believed I am bad so I trust people who often don't care about me

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? No

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes told many people at first but their reaction was that I was lying or that I was just deluded so I don't talk about it anymore

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes only from tv and I thought it was ridiculous

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real it WAS real

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real it WAS real

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No