Beatrice W NDE

Experience Description

It happened in the summer of 1996. At the time, I was 20 years old and was on the way to a public festival near a swimming lake. I was with my then boyfriend and some other people. It was a nice warm summer evening around 10:00 pm.

My boyfriend and I had been dining in a restaurant. After the meal he, asked me what kind of strange red dots were on my neck. I knew I had allergies since my earliest childhood, but I never have had any skin symptoms. We walked about 200 meters towards the festival when I noticed some light headedness. I fainted when we arrived at the festival entrance. I can remember blackness in front of my eyes and feeling that my legs gave way. I was still able to reach for my boyfriend's jacket to hold myself up. He turned and saw that my eyes turned backwards. Another friend came from behind and caught me. They carried me outside on the street, put me on the ground, and called an ambulance. I didn't notice anything of this.

Suddenly, I heard buzzing, followed by a hushed 'plop' noise. I left my body through an opening in my head. This happened automatically without any action of my own. I was surrounded in a black void that was somewhat uncomfortable. I needed to get my bearings and was aware that, even though I couldn't see my body anymore, I was still 'myself' with all my feelings, character traits and thinking. Having or not having a body was irrelevant. I felt good, light, and free. I was pure consciousness. I had a clear mind, a strong will and a crystal clear perception. I also had additional abilities that are not possible in earthly life.

I was surrounded by nothing but black infinity. This blackness never felt dark, scary, or empty. To the contrary, I was feeling better and better. I was more 'myself' as ever before and I knew that my body was down on earth. I continued to move up ever farther from it. I also wondered how I knew this. I knew that I peeled off my earthly body like a pullover that you pull off before going to bed. I peeled off my role that I had been playing in this earthly life like a role in a movie. And now I was again Myself and this was a very liberating sensation.

The Void was simply INFINITE. There was no time and no space as we know them here on earth. But still, everything was completely normal and profoundly familiar. I started to move through this infinite black space. I could 'beam' myself literally within this infinity with my thoughts. I only needed to think 'I want to go over there' and I was there. I was flying here and there through the black universe. I also could change my own size, sometimes I made myself small, sometimes I expanded myself close to infinity. That was a great feeling and I tried more and more things. I enjoyed the vastness and infinity. I felt indescribably well, safe and endlessly free. This was pure freedom and simply the most natural thing of the world, as if I never had been doing anything else. And I knew, 'THAT's my home, my original BEING, the original EXISTENCE of all of us, the home of ALL our souls. It's from here that I come and it's here that I belong. We all come from here and we will all come back here. A deeply familiar sensation of HOME and BELONGING pervaded me completely. I was ONE with everything. There are no earthly words giving me the possibility to describe this deeply anchored knowledge, this memory, and this beloved feeling of home.

This beaming back and forth with the ease of my thoughts, the expansion, but also resting at a place and basking in the comfortable sensation, continued for quite a while, and during which I was aware that I still continued to move up and up. If I had to compare it with worldly specifications I would compare it with a 45 degree angle. I could play in this infinite space with my moves, but I was also directed and continually pulled up, like on an autopilot.

At about mid-height a soft music came from the depths of the black universe. At first it was far away and could hardly be perceived, but it got my interest. The sounds were nearing fast and became louder until they finally reached and permeated myself. Never before had I heard such a music. It was very rhythmic, melodic, and ethereal. Initially, I found the music rather strange. But the more the sounds and the rhythm permeated me, the more I became a part of the music and was merging with it. I started to move with the music. I was moving in a way I never before had been moving in accordance with music. I felt magnificent and this state could have been going on forever. I was one with the music and was dancing through the universe!

This phase continued for a good while until the music slowly faded. It was as if the music had only been localized in a certain layer, and now I was leaving this sphere by moving further up. I could no longer influence my way of moving. I couldn't determine my speed, as I was on on autopilot and still moving upwards. I felt great anticipation that I was nearing my destination. It was a feeling like just before reaching the finishing line. But, it was as if the memory of my present life was fading the more I moved away from my body.

The ride slowed down and suddenly ride stopped. I was frustrated because I wanted to continue. I knew that beyond this border was fulfillment. It was the home of our soul, my beloved home, my origin, everything that I am, the place of pure bliss, simply EVERYTHING!! Several times I wanted to beam myself beyond the barrier, but to no avail.

While I struggled with this, from the depths of the universe a voice came. At first it sounded muted and far away, but it approached very fast and became louder until it was close-by and resounded from all sides around and through me. It was a male voice, clear and distinct, powerful and determining.

The voice said, 'Bea, here you can't continue. Here is your stop.' I wondered who was talking to me, but I didn't think to ask the voice. I also wondered how this voice knew my nickname. But instead of asking, I replied, 'But I want to.' I was astonished about wanting to assert my will in front of this powerful presence.

The voice said again, 'You cannot stay, you have to go back.' I was deeply shocked, yet the words burst out, 'Wild horses couldn't drag me there.' And I got frightened about my words, but in this moment I really felt this way. The idea to turn around, go back into my old life now that home was so near, was shattering.

I can't say that I actually saw what came next in the way we see here on earth with human eyes, it was more of an inner sight. I saw my boyfriend holding up my legs and calling my name, 'Bea, Bea!' Suddenly, I was inside of him, in his chest and felt his despair, but also all his love he was feeling for me. This feeling was incredible and overwhelming. Never before or after I had experienced such a feeling. It was a Feeling of such a love; all his love through all ages and the total love of the universe merged in one feeling.

And the voice said to me, 'He loves you and is waiting for you.' I decided, 'He will get over it and can continue his life without me.' Again, I was scared about the harshness of my decision.

Then my parents were shown to my inner eye and the voice said, 'Your parents need you and you have to take care of them.' I thought about my mother and felt that she would need time to overcome my loss, but I also was optimistic that she would understand my decision. And so I answered, 'With time she will also overcome this and both of them will get along without me.' My decision was clear: I wanted to get beyond the border, to get back home.

The voice answered calmly and insistingly, 'No, you have to go back. You still have to complete your work.' This, I couldn't understand. What work? What kind of fancy talk is this? What kind of duties?' Sorry for disillusionment, we are not enlightened when we leave our body, but we are still having all facets of our identity. My thoughts had certainly been heard, but unfortunately no answer came back.

The sentence, 'You still have to fulfill your work' was still reverberating for a while and I wondered what was meant by this. It was like a mission given to me.

As I didn't get an answer and I still continued a few times to get over the invisible border, but to no avail. There was a kind of push, like being pushed back with a kind of compressed air and was then speeding directly down towards earth and my body. A deeply shattering sensation went through myself, I felt rejected and lost. At half height, where before the beautiful music had been, I fervently wished the music would show up again. I would have given anything to merge again with those sounds. But I rapidly continued towards the ground. Slowly I realized that I really had to go back to my old life. The ride abruptly slowed down and I knew that I was just above my body. Finally, I dove back into my body.

It was dark, but a different darkness as in the infinity of the universe. It was dark and I felt small and lost. At the same time it was extremely narrow, I felt like being wedged into a sausage and I thought, 'Is this so narrow because I'm too thin?' I answered myself, 'It's always narrow, even if your width is one meter.' I felt this tightness like a strong physical pain. I also had the most awful sensation of homesickness you can imagine, and a total despair, 'Now I will have to continue this life until it's end.' This idea left me quite depressive. I didn't know this kind of feelings from my previous life, and haven't had them since in the same extent. But in that moment it was very bad and I knew, if I couldn't bring myself to counteract this depressive feeling with positive ideas, then I might remain depressive for the rest of my life. This seemed a horrible mental image. What an emotional roller coaster, shortly before, my home was in hands reach and I had been in anticipation of heaven - and now I was so depressed and sad as never before. A solution was needed. I couldn't stay that way. So I tried to pick up some courage. I really scanned my feelings for positive steps until I found some. Memories of my present life showed up that generated optimism. Until now my life had been quite O.K., it even had been beautiful. And then I thought about my friend, his love and his fear, that I had been feeling up there, and I started to worry about him. I wanted to tell him, 'Hey, don't worry about me, I'm here and I feel wonderful!' This feeling motivated me. Suddenly the feeling of depression gave way. I was happy about this and was now ready to wake up!

After this, a moment of silence followed, a complete silence, then I heard like a swooshing in my ears, this was the first real physical sensation in an earthly sense. I now knew that my soul was again completely connected to my body, I could literally feel when this fusion happened. The noise in my ears became louder, I sensed that my biological circuit was back. Then the noise was dying away and I could distinctly hear the noises of the festivity. The memory of the event was still present. And now the memory of the previous situation came back, that I had fainted. My eyes were still closed, but I knew who was sitting at my side. It was a friend of mine. She held my hand. I said, 'S... did I talk or move in strange way?' Because during my experience I had been talking and dancing. I was scared I might have behaved in a strange way during my black out. He said: No you were simply lying there.' This reassured me. I said, 'I just had a fancy dream, there was a voice talking to me and a music that moved me a lot.' She said, 'Yes, yes, let yourself wake up completely...' My boyfriend seeing that I was awake let my legs falling, they flopped down on the hard ground. It seems that he was under shock, and some of his friends were leading him away. Generally there was a great relief that I was awake. I knew that the ambulance was there and that the paramedics were on the way to my place. I wanted to avoid that. I felt fine, I considered the whole confusion concerning myself as unpleasant. So I was sitting up. I noticed that I felt totally clear, more clear than ever before. As if a kind of purification/clarification had happened. My friends were not happy that I was sitting up, but I didn't care. So I got up completely, what caused the others to start panicking. Now my boyfriend came back also and wanted to stabilize me. I hardly could convince him that I really felt fine. I even felt great! I wanted to attend the festivity and revel! To celebrate my great condition, my newly gained lucidity, my experience! But this wouldn't happen. 'You better taker her home', the friends of my boyfriend advised. So he took me at my home. On the way I was looking through the open car window into the night sky and I said, 'I've just been up there.'

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: Summer 1996

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain Allergic Reaction Other Unconsciousness for about 7 minutes (as per information of others). As I had been unconscious for several minutes, I can not evaluate how life-threatening this state really was. I regained consciousness before the ambulance arrived.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I was shown my boyfriend holding my legs up and calling my name several times. I saw my body lying on the ground. I was shown my parents but without details. I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I could beam myself back and forth in the universe, I could control and direct my moves by thought. It was a completely different state of consciousness as usual in my earthly condition. I had an awareness of infinity, of our origin. At the same time this state felt like my original state of being, and the condition on earth seemed like only a role in comparison.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? All the time the same alertness, lucidity and consciousness.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I had no sense of time, on earth I was unconscious for approximately 7 minutes. I can't say how long the time up there was, according to my feeling. Time wasn't important, however I would say that my trip was longer than 7 minutes.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Most of the time I had no visual impressions. Everything was black around. Except, when I was shown things on earth I saw some things in color. This vision corresponded in one way to the vision on earth, on the other hand it was more like a telepathic vision. I prefer to call it an 'inner view' or 'inner pictures' that had been conveyed.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I heard music and the voice of a presence. Hearing was similar to hearing on earth, but substantially more intense. I also heard 'inside' of me. With this the sounds pervaded me completely and I was merging with them.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm The black space, the infinity of the universe.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? First everything was strange, but then I felt more and more well: Freedom, expansion, a memory of this unburdened state, clarity, sense of home, home of the soul, knowledge, irrepressible desire to continue and wanting to go home, scared about my ability to easily discard all earthly things. Joy, intense love, Oneness, deeply sad of being sent back, optimistic and again ready to continue with my present life. ¨

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I knew: That's where we are coming from, and that's where we are going back to, when our role in this life has ended. I had the sensation of having a survey on everything, the big picture and all its purpose.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes As I said, I don't consider myself as believing, but as knowing. I am spiritual.

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths I Do not belong to any religion, not believing but knowing.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience As a child I was very spiritual but at 20 I had a more atheistic phase.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Material things loose their value. They are important to live in this world, but they really don't have an important value. It's more the inner values that are important! The same with outer appearances, they are nice to look at, but here also, the inner values are counting much more. There is a meaning for everything, even if I can't perceive it in that moment. Most of the time I perceive the meaning in the course of a development or sometimes even only afterwards. At least I know that all questions dissolve when I will understand everything at the time when I'm going home again. There I can ask for everything and will get the explanation, I shall understand, accept, and receive the whole and every detail. Und not only for myself and the life I just left, but about all my lives, since the beginning of my soul. And even more - I shall understand everything concerning other human- but also animal souls, concerning the coherences in the development of our planet earth, the universe and everything. I shall overlook the big picture and understand it's meaning.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin It was a Male voice, distinct and clear, with a reverberant sound. A voice you normally wouldn't object to.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I knew about my existence through all times.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I was one with the universe, with the music of the spheres, with love.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain The purpose of the NDE? I believe that I had been programming it as a means of reminder, to get myself on the way, to prepare myself for the obstacles and difficulties that would show up. The near-death experience helped me to find and keep the track.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes I had the strong memory that we all have a soul home and that this form of existence (without a human body) is our actual state.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes When I was shown my boyfriend and merged with him, I sensed a love I never encountered on earth. I knew that this was not the love of only this moment and this situation, but from all times mixed with the love of the soul home and the whole universe. It was the most powerful feeling that I ever experienced.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life Immediately after, I had a lot of homesickness. It took a few weeks to get back to my life. I now had a different outlook at the world and my fellow man, often my friends now seemed to be superficial and I questioned many things. Half a year after the experience I got sick, the professional plans I had until then vanished and I had to invent myself anew. I broke with my boyfriend and a confusing time of expansion started while I explored my boundaries. My spirituality developed more and more, and I had to learn to steer it, and to deal in every day life with my extreme sensitivity. I became an alternative practitioner and at the age of 29 I opened my own naturopathic practice. I bought a photon device (photons are particles of light), without at the time knowing where my way was leading to. I only knew one thing, I had to find a solution for my own health issues, to be able to help other people in a similar situation. So I started to explore and to test, first on myself and I discovered that I could treat my own allergies with the photons, and so I could not only help myself but also help other people. Now another change in my life is coming: I want to help people to help themselves with the photons, and I'm publishing my experiences of 15 years of healing activity.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes My relationships reduced to a minimum within a few years. I can't deal with shallowness.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The words are lacking, probably in any earthly language. However you try to describe it, it finally is only expressing a trickle of the whole. Like when you come back from vacation and proudly showing the pictures to your family. They can't appreciate 100% what you experienced. No photo and no account can reproduce the way you experienced it.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience.e experience. I remember many experiences from this time, that's normal at the age of 20 I believe. The time of youth is very imprinting. But the near-death experience is something different. I'm separating my life in the time before and the time after.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I am clairsentient and very sensitive concerning the vibrations of other people, being sometimes also clairvoyant, what rather scares than pleases me. Often premonitions or intuitions that came true.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? All parts are equally important.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes With this I only started in the scope of my work as an alternative practitioner, before I didn't talk about. 5 years after my NDE I saw a TV show concerning the steps of dying in which the issue of near-death experiences had been mentioned. It was at that moment that I knew what I experienced. But being aware exactly and definitely with all details, happened only after I read the book of Dr. Pim van Lommel 'Endloses Bewusstsein'. Since, I love to share my experience with people who are interested, when the situation arises, and when I feel that it is important for this person. The book 'Rückkehr vom Licht' from P.M.H. Atwater helped to better understand the process of transformation and to see myself as normal in the sense of 'a normal development after an NDE', instead to consider myself mainly 'as different from others', and constantly asking myself if I am the alien or the others. So I also was able to help a few other NDE'rs to better adapt to the 'here and now' with all resulting difficulties. At the time I would have loved having the information - which is now available - , and am sure that I would have searched the web immediately, to put a name on what happened to me.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real Afterwards, my experience was very strongly and permanently present in my life. I had a very strong homesickness.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real The experience is coming along like a red string through my life. It is my guideline, my inner rule and my escape rope, my anchor in difficult times. It always straightens me up and lights the way. It fills me with love, Happiness and meaning. Everything has meaning. At first there have been times when it was weighing on me like a curse, as it is not always easy to cope with such a strong sensitivity in this world. There have been years, when I wished never having experienced this, so that I could live like most of the people around. Fortunately this phase has gone and I'm deeply grateful and fulfilled because of my experience, as I'm always seeing and sensing in many people an inner emptiness and a feeling of lacking something. They are missing the knowledge that I and many other NDE-rs experienced. For me there is no separating of 'life and death' or 'with death everything ends'. For me there is the life here on earth and the existence in our home - my soul home. For me, this life here resembles a journey, and is but a short way on my very long lasting soul journey through all times. I'm daily aware of vibrancies and entanglements connecting my present life with all my previous lives, and all life around. Even though, I had to struggle with a number of situations and conditions in my life, like every other person, at least I know that eventually everything will make sense, if this purpose hasn't opened up until then. This knowledge conveys comfort, and so for me after the final end the death of my present physical body, there is only one thing really certain and sure in life: my continuing existence in another form of being, namely my original form of existence. During my near-death experience I was allowed to remember my original form of existence in a mini version, and make it therefore to a part of my mission of life.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes During my first session with a spiritual healer, a friend, I had an important experience. Right at the start of the treatment it happened. I was lying on my back on a massage table, eyes closed and tried to relax, what didn't work. About five minutes later I felt a strong tearing on a small tuft of hair on the corner of my forehead. It felt as if somebody was tearing my hair, very strongly. I said:'Ouch, what are you doing?' I opened my eyes and was perplexed, to see my friend at the foot end, holding both palms towards the soles of my feet at a distance of about 20 cm. He said, 'Just close your eyes.' I closed my eyes and tried again to relax, when suddenly a sensation of pure love poured out in me and diffused in my chest like an ardent stream of lava, which opened my heart. It was so extreme that at first it was painful. It felt as if my heart was forced open with love. This love spread from the heart like a warm stream into both arms and then into the rest of the body. It was so fierce that similar to the near-death experience, there are no words how to describe it adequately. At that I was again connected with my near-death experience, and I sensed the power and the crystal clear energies of the spiritual helpers, who made this wonderful experience possible. I still had many sessions in a period of several years, and each one was an experience in itself. Each time when homesickness occurred I went for a spirit treatment, in order to join home for a short moment and to recharge my batteries. As a child at the age of primary school I also had a series of out of body experiences within a short time, about several weeks. I thought them to be dreams, today I know that they had been more, as I can remember them like my NDE. It happened during sleep in the night, but not for health reasons. I also found myself in the black infinite space, and I had colorful visual impressions and experiences. I was a tightrope dancer, even wearing a light pink tutu like a ballerina. The black universe was full of ropes in neon-colors, similar to gridlines in various planes. The colorful light ropes were like straight lines, above, below myself, right and left, and went into infinity. All neon-colors were present, yellow, pink, orange, blue, green brilliant white. And I was balancing on one of the colored lines and thought, 'I want to go up' and directed my focus on a rope above - and was immediately there. Then I thought “I want to go over there' And immediately I was there. All the time balancing for a moment on another shining line. This was much fun, I felt one with de universe, completely free, as fit as a fiddle and crystal clear. I still remember this very clear state of consciousness. I was playing exactly the same way than in my near death experience, with the ability to use my thoughts to beam myself back and forth. At this, the universe was also as black and infinite, except for the shining lines. This was a terrific state, and I still remember it like my NDE. I experienced those nightly excursions always in the same way, in total about 3 to 4 times.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? see 63.