Brian N STE

Experience Description

01/28/2021

Before I share my near death life experience I’ll tell a story that goes back almost 20 years that needs to be told to understand my experience. I lost faith in God and organized religion after the Catholic Church pedophilia scandal in the 1990s which deeply hurt me so I went out on a two-decade search for the truth. I wanted 'proof' of God and eternal life.

As a child I was an altar boy, both parents were CCD teachers at our church and my father was the DJ for the Catholic Youth Organization dances. It was unconscionable to learn everything I trusted and believed in was crumbling right in front of me. How could our spiritual leaders do such a thing and compromise our faith? There were so many questions to ask, so many to be answered so I started my journey to seek the truth wherever it led me.

Being a logical rational thinker, my analytical side wanted to dissect the only source I knew at the time, the bible, for answers. I was looking at the bible in a critical way for contradiction and errors. I intended to find fault and disprove it or accept it and put doubt behind me. The process was almost painful and sacrilegious. However, I felt compelled to ask the tough questions as I needed to know in my heart there was a purpose to my life and more importantly, if there was an afterlife.

It made no sense to me to be born, have experiences, learn, and become wise just to end when it’s our time to die. There had to be a reason I was born, a purpose to my existence. I couldn't accept that life was just a biological anomaly without divine creation.

Looking back

When my son Colin was born in 2005, I started to read every agnostic text, any and every religion to learn about God and the afterlife from every source available to me. Each had its own interpretation of God, different names, different creation stories, however, they all seemed to tell the same tale. Ultimately, I had an overwhelming feeling of truth from reading different religions throughout history and not just a single source.

From the oldest recorded, the Mahabharata compiled from 8-9 century BCE, the first monotheistic religion Zoroastrianism 6th century BCE, Sethian Gnosticism 2nd -3rd century CE, dead sea scrolls 2nd century CE, none of these had the answers I sought.

I took a break from my studies in 2009 when I went through heartbreak and divorce. I had horrible anxiety that coated my heart from the minute I woke until I slept, even my dreams were stained with pain.

Christmas that year was depressing since I didn't have my sons with me. The months of pain were too much to bear, I remember calling out, crying out to God to take this pain away. I said this in Jesus' name 'Please take my pain away, if you ever loved me as your child please save me, I cannot take this pain one more day' and immediately I was filled with love and the pain was gone. I regained my faith on that day but the questions lingered, renewing my interest for information to continue my studies and quest for truth. It seems the closer we come to the truth the more we can be deceived and led astray.

Spiritual revealing

Several books were released that I found to be very revealing, my eyes were opened wide. The Apocryphon of John, the Nag Hammadi library of Judas, Mary, Thomas, revealed to me what I did not understand before. I realized what was always right in front of me, who I was, and that there was no separation from God. The following passages from Thomas made a profound impression and answered my questions.

These are the secret sayings which the living Jesus spoke and which Didymos Judas Thomas wrote down.

(1) And he said, 'Whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not experience death.'

(2) Jesus said, 'Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds. When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All.'

(3) Jesus said, 'If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you.

When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty.'

Spiritual understanding

After reading this, I felt a sense of complete understanding, an overwhelming feeling to write the following in 2016 to process everything and just get it onto paper so I could take a load off and focus on living.

We are eternal spiritual beings living a temporary human experience. We are created by God, by manifestation of his consciousness. His thought became us. We are inseparable from him, created by him, his spiritual children in his image, born in physical form. As spiritual beings in a human body, we are conflicted. Angel vs. Devil, good vs. evil, mind vs. spirit. The mind 'ego' thinks, the heart 'spirit' feels.

To make sense of what makes us think and feel you have to understand the difference between persona and outward projection of ego vs. spirit. The mind 'satan' is ego, (Edging God Out) which tells us we are superior to others. The mind is a rational, logical, computer that uses the reticular activating system to generalize, distort, and dismiss sensory data through filters installed in us by parents, religion, teachers, friends, and subjective life experiences. These filters will dismiss what we hear, see, touch, smell, taste, based on values, beliefs, conditioning, and memories, become subjective, not an objective experience. This is why we form opinions and hold them as fact. opinion is subjective, fact is objective. Until we learn to tear down these belief systems we are bound by, we will believe what others tell us to believe, regardless of truth.

The heart 'God', your spiritual being, is feeling, emotion, empathy, compassion, love, and conscience. The heart only feels, and cannot rationalize, it only feels. This duality inside us is the cause of anxiety, grief, and depression. These two controlling factions create chaos inside of us, create imbalance, inhibit peace, serenity, and distorts emotion. This is the proverbial angel and devil on each shoulder whispering in our ears, our conscience.

Thought controls emotion, emotion controls mood, mood controls our physiology and health. This can seem confusing how the spirit (our true self) and mind battle for position and control. When we understand how the ego controls us, we may become aware and react to situations accordingly.

To understand who we are we need to know who created us.

We are created in God's likeness and image. Jesus says through him we can perform miracles, heal the sick, and move mountains. The prophets and shamans had this knowledge, they practiced healing, faith, and witnessed miracles. Religion tries to separate us from the truth, to separate us from God, to tell us we must do rituals, deeds, service, or sacrifice, to be saved, like an initiation to a fraternity.

We were never separated, we are a part of God, the kingdom is within you and outside of you, it is all of creation.

Truth is, we are children of God, we are a part of this divine creation with the power to create life and have children, to perform miracles, heal the sick, we are eternal spiritual beings living a temporary human life to experience it and all its wonders. We died to live this life and will shed the body that clothes us to live eternal life again.

The only thing that is real is that which never changes, everything on Earth is temporary, love is the highest vibration and light, it’s the eternal origin of the most powerful creative source, God. Love is our eternal gift from God, the only thing that never ages, changes, or fades. It is the gift of life, the blessing that we share and connect with. This is the truth that I have been seeking, love is the purpose of creation and life.

Physical and spiritual separation, my near-death experience

September 6th 2020 is the day my life changed, the day I almost died. This evening I had been drinking heavily at a friend’s house and my heart began pounding out of my chest, the voices of my friends were shattered and I felt death. I didn't tell anyone what was happening to me and laid down. Within a few minutes, I could hear and feel my blood flowing through my body, my heart was pounding so hard to supply oxygen to keep me alive but I felt my brain shutting down. There was no anxiety, fear, or panic, I felt pure love, comfort, and an overwhelming sense of awareness. I felt my body failing, then the separation happened. As my mind was shutting down my awareness and consciousness separated from my mind and body, my awareness wasn’t in my head it was in my heart. My soul was pounding through my heart with intense energy and force I could feel an indescribable amount of love contained in my heart that could fill the entire universe bottled up in my chest that couldn’t be contained. While my physical heart was beating hard at a dangerous rate but my 'soul / heart' ripped out of my chest connected to my 'eyes' and consciousness by a tether cord. It was an explosive feeling of my soul leaving my body. I can only describe it as an umbilical cord connecting my heart which was a pulsating light with strings to my sight and consciousness. Just as a newborn is connected with a cord to the mother's womb of life, when a child is born through the birth canal, the cord once cut, severs the link which separates the source of life to this world.

After I released from my body I went into a comfortable dark area above my body and couldn't see my physical surroundings except for my body lying on the couch that could still hear my friends talking with shattered voices I could pick up on.

There was an awareness of them but not in a visual sense. My body was still alive so the auditory senses were somewhat picking up sound and I had a dual awareness of the me outside my body and the numb body barely hearing my friends. The best I can describe is listening to a radio station on a road trip and driving far from the broadcast source so the song is fading and chopping up.

I was suspended in a loving comfortable darkness, to my right there was a small light shining down so I could view my body from about 20’ up but didn't see the surroundings of the me I left behind. My soul was completely detached and free, at this point I felt a presence to my left, a guide, this being had no form, not really even a light, it was a presence.

I knew we were communicating by knowing, not by words, it was silent and unseen. There was a sense of acceptance, love and joy, my new awareness was more real than real, much more real than our physical reality on Earth.

The happiest moment in life couldn’t compare to this moment. I felt my loved ones would be just fine without me and I had absolutely no desire to return to my body.

I felt a choice was given to leave with my guide, my overwhelming desire was to go. As I accepted my death, I allowed the guide to lead me up from Earth. I wasn’t following it; the feeling was being pulled uncontrollably. I followed heart, a pulsating light pulling my eyes through what I will describe as glass pictures of my loved ones. As I looked at my children and family they shattered like broken glass and fell away. I felt at peace leaving everything in my life behind as the guide pulled me far above the Earth and through space at light speed through the universe. We went into a beautiful funnel of stars or a wormhole with indescribable colors as I followed through feeling familiarity, I was going home.

We came out of the tunnel to a comfortable familiar space somewhere in another realm. I traveled through galaxies, past stars, and was eons away from my body and Earth. The closer I got to where I was led, the stronger pure bliss, joy, love, and connection felt. It was beyond words. Nothing can describe the feeling of love I felt. My senses were heightened, my loss of body was empowering. It felt as if I shed all inhibition, my soul was being pulled on a path to another realm by this being I didn't know how to communicate with yet, like a newborn without the knowledge to speak.

I was in this dark area in space but I could see a nebula and all the beautiful galaxies full of color and splendor where I saw a life review through pictures of memories and experiences that I could acknowledge and sort through at any time. It was in front of me but a little distant and the pictures were blurry like I had to accept opening into them to see them. The pictures were stacked one by one in a line in front of me that seemed endless. There was absolutely no feeling of judgment whatsoever if I chose to review them. It was my choice to look into it or not without anyone standing over me. I felt it was my picture album of my life, memories for eternity as a keepsake.

I was curious to see them so as I accepted what would be revealed. The pictures or memories became clear and I was allowed to view each of them by sliding them with my 'hands' left and right in and out of view but before I began looking into them I felt the guide to my left leaving my presence. There were never any words spoken or understanding from it but I felt it was pulling away from me. I felt its presence separating from me, that comfortable connection of love was leaving me. I could have spent eternity alone there completely happy and content in awe of the universe with my memories with this guide which was only a little black spot which didn’t really communicate with me but it all of the sudden cut me off and fled.

Fear and panic set in as I abandoned the life review to chase the guide, I screamed out with all my emotion and intention. Please! Take me with you! I cried out over and over but it was leaving me faster than I could chase it. When I cried out to God years ago and was answered with comfort and love, this time I was alone and disconnecting from what I could only describe as a guide or guardian he sent to help me that was the source of the love I felt. It radiated from it even though I felt the unconditional love was radiating from me, it was really resonating in me and going away as the guide left me. As I realized I was lost with no guide, my sense of protection and comfort was gone.

Then I fell

The feeling was like running off a cliff and falling. The force I had no control over that was drawing me effortlessly across the universe moments before cut me off and turned away. I fell. I was crying, the love was gone, I felt miserable as I crashed through 7 distinct realms. As I fell through each one the sense of oneness and pure love was torn away from me. The further I fell back to my body, the worse the horror and misery felt. I was abandoned and detached from God. I was given no explanation as to why I was being forced back. My journey to the realm of what I believe was close to Heaven was the happiest moment I have felt or will ever feel here on Earth. The separation was also the worst I have felt or will ever feel.

I crashed down into my body, my mind was clear and razor-sharp, I kept my eyes closed, I was aware and awake but refused to open my eyes for fear the little connection to infinity still present would be gone. I wanted to die. The infinite feeling of love and connection to everything was lost as I was condensed down into this dense limited reality.

I wanted to go back, I held my breath hoping to die and go back. It was no use. I was stuck here and absolutely miserable. I opened my eyes and saw my friends and they had no idea what I experienced. I sat up and just stared into the room lost with this extreme feeling of separation and loneliness. I went to bed and told them all my story the next morning which they dismissed as a hallucination. It was the sharpest, clearest experience of my life but the words couldn’t describe what I felt. The experience was lost in the explanation.

I was changed forever

By the next morning, I accepted being back but I was forever changed. Something was different in me. I had this feeling of love surrounding my heart, I could sense things, had a heightened sense of awareness and intuition. I saw everything through a different lens.

Now that I know my true eternal self, I am aware of the egotistical mind separate from me in the body I occupy to exist in this reality. It’s an odd feeling to know I am not who I see in the mirror but only the body for my spirit to use at will.

I have an appreciation for all life, for all people, and a light in me that was not there before. There is a new sense of purpose for my life, I spend my time more efficiently and don't seem to care much about frivolous and arbitrary things. I am focused on loving my friends and family, community service, my passion for cooking and sharing it, taking time for hobbies and leisure that I always felt guilty for pursuing before when I saw them as irresponsible. Now I live as a child exploring life as never before with a sense of wonderment and excitement.

No fear

I have no fear after my near-death experience. There is no fear of death because we never die, we just shed our body which we have no more use for and transform like a caterpillar into a butterfly. We can see the transition for a butterfly but don’t see a person’s transition when someone 'dies' because we can’t see into the realm they go into. Dying isn’t death. It’s a metamorphosis. We were a soul that came into a body to experience this life and discard the body to return.

I don’t worry about anything like I did before. I know that God is absolutely real, and Heaven is a place I was in or very close to entering. I no longer have any questions. They were all answered that night. It’s a comforting feeling to no longer need faith, it’s knowing. I believe God allowed me to see for myself so I wouldn’t waste my life trying to figure it out and just live it, there is comfort in 'knowing' and my NDE was a blessing, a revelation given to me because I wouldn’t stop seeking answers. I intend to enjoy my second chance here to the fullest and follow the path God lays out for me until I am called back home. So. Help. Me. God.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: 09/06/2020

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Drug or medication overdose Life threatening event, but not clinical death Heavily intoxicated. I used to be an alcoholic, I accidently ingested half a tray of highly concentrated marijuana brownies at my friend's house and I do not use drugs of any sort so my body didn't handle it well. When it passed through my stomach wall into my blood all at once I laid down and separated from my body until the experience was over. I do not know if my heart stopped after it sped up or anything else while I laid there. Friends said I was laying there about 45 minutes.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes My body was laying still with eyes closed but I could hear shattered talking. I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal Everything was heightened, the feelings, my sight, hearing, knowing, wasn't filtered through my reticular activating system. I was sensing everything as it really was without a feeble brain watering it down. The love was explosive, the colors were super colors, it was like being taking off smeared glasses and ear plugs and sensing at 10,000% intensity.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? As soon as I left my body but when I made it out of the wormhole I was connected to the universe. That was the best moment of the experience.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Still front focused vision but like putting on glasses for the first time. This reality is so dull and drab compared to in my NDE. Everything was razor sharp.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My body was hearing shattered voices I could still hear but I was a separated from the body, it was like I, me, the spirit had heightened hearing of my new environment but could also hear what my body heard but like half tuned to the wrong station. The signal was broken up.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes It was like the typical wormhole in star trek or those movies with vivid colored swirling stars, streaks, and bounced through the universe until I came out to a landing or area so to speak. I wanted to stay in that area where I could see nebulas and colorful star systems.

Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain No bright light, No warm light, only star light and bright vivid colored light of the wormhole and nebulas. etc. Like real visual outer space Hubble pictures.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Joy, love, acceptance, peace, also when i fell back, anxiety, fear, misery, pain. The absolute best and worse.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No Well, I had the life review there for me to look into but I didnt have time to look at it before I was pulled back.

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will This may not be the right answer, My life review pictures were blurry, when I made the choice to view them they were about to become clear, but that's when the guide ran off and I chased it, I felt that if I went ahead through the review maybe there was another step or way into entering where others were, I was out there but not near God or any other spirits, people. Alone except the guide.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Agnostic At the time I believed in God, Jesus, but had so many questions of the point or purpose of this existence. My story ties into all of this.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I don't follow any religion but study them in great detail.

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Religious unaffiliated No religion, I know God Jesus and holy spirit are real and don't care much about religions. Simply, I serve Gods will, the holy spirit is my guide, and Jesus is my key to the source.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I assumed I would go to meet God and be judged into eternal life in Heaven or hell. I just went to the center of the universe and got a picture album and a guide. It was amazing but not what I would have expected.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I learned patience, humility, compassion, killed the ego, quit drinking alcohol, I strive to always do what is right, and correct mistakes.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin It was as I call a guide, it came to me in my dark space to take me through the wormhole. It wasn't a light or a silhouette of anything. I remember it as a tiny black spot with a presence of love but love wasn't its source and trusted it without even knowing what it was. I am still confused about this somewhat. Never spoke a word or telepathically, I just understood its intention was to take me.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I felt aware of all of it, that it was familiar and I was going home.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I felt connected to everything. I had no body so my awareness was merged into the universe I suppose. That may be why I didn't feel the need to explore, there was no need to travel since I was everywhere anyway.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes I have to know God created all of what I saw, and my guide obviously wasn't divine, or maybe that's the wrong word, like a guide with instructions, didn't appear to me it made the decisions, following orders from something so there's someone, God out there it answered to.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I understood that we never die, Dying isn't death, it's a metamorphosis, like a caterpillar to a butterfly.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain I never got to the answer of the purpose of Earth. If we are eternal, why go to earth and risk evil forces that do exist and risk falling to them and losing your soul. It's a risk I would never take just for a temporary human experience. The picture album wouldn't be worth hell if I made the wrong choices. Just don't see the point of this Earth, it's a dull drab counterfeit of the realm I was in, and it wasn't even heaven or the source, or light. I could only imagine that and would never leave it.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes I could have stayed in my spot in the galaxy alone and content forever.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I felt overwhelming love, and feel. If this place has any purpose at all, it's to share it with others, although the version of it we have here is watered down and nothing like it is on the other side I suppose it's the only good thing that made it here to this dense narrow frequency.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life I had to look in the mirror and make a lot of changes, life assessment, I ran for local office twice, started a nonprofit for single parent families, makeendsmeetofsetx.org , I have been involved in local government, appointed to the Community Development Advisory Committee, Police Advisory Committee, president of the CANA neighborhood association. I just feel serving and helping my community is my purpose now. I wasn't told why I was sent back or marching orders, I had it in my heart to do this. Gods path is easier than the one I had.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Closer to family, I'm a true introvert INTP, I've learned to stick my head out of the nest and fly.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Some feelings are indescribable, but I did a good job of explaining it.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I try to keep this memory alive and think of it often. I would never forget it, but like anything else, we remember it happened as a whole but could forget the particulars if we don't keep the memories fresh.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes heightened intuition, maybe it's the holy spirit or conscious I am more aware of now that I am aware I am a spirit and not the body I use.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? All of it was meaningful.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I wrote the NDE and shared it on my Facebook about 4 months later. Felt I wanted to share it so that it would help me process it with feedback maybe, and help others. The problem is everyone wanted to know HOW I almost died or the cause of the NDE so they could dismiss it instead of listening to the message. They all want proof, like being hooked up to a flatline monitor before they can now read it. I don't even bother to tell people I was drunk and ate an overdose amount of marijuana or I may as well just write about 'the hallucination I had when I was drunk'. But, that is how people are, dismissive.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes Dr. George Rodonaia was one of the famous NDErs and lived in my hometown, I went to school with his kids in Texas. It was talked about in town but other than that besides movies and skipping over them on YouTube. I didn't look into them.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real Life altering. I became obsessed about it. trying to process it.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I have watched nearly everything under the sun on NDE's and testimony's on podcast YouTube etc. It's interesting to hear the other stories, I guess I look at commonalities for validation or conformation. I don't know why exactly, I was there, nothing will change my mind it was real.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I believe God gave me this revelation because of my hardheaded nature I would not stop asking questions about the purpose of everything. So, he gave me this NDE to say here. This is it. Satisfied? Yes sir! It was a brief insight, enough to prove it all to me, and left a lot to be discovered next time.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I think it was helpful.