Cassandra A NDE

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Experience Description

I went into this psychedelic journey as I had the many other journeys I always have; with a sense of incredible responsibility, respect, intention and oversight. I started using mushrooms and MDMA as a medicinal tool for my CPTSD a few years prior to this experience. There was never an air of recklessness, haste or foolish partying. I sourced my medicine from trusted, tested people.

On the day my NDE happened, I had set up my room to support the journey. I had all my supplements, water, noise-cancellation headphones, eye mask, MAPS playlist, and etc. Mushrooms are not a drug where you wake up naked in the road wondering how you got there. While I do hallucinate, I have the self-awareness to know that I am hallucinating and the great privilege of enjoying it during the experience. I took the mushrooms and did take a somewhat higher dose than normal, but I was prepared to go deeper than ever before.

I went into this trip with the intention of diving into my mother trauma. I was born on drugs and alcohol to a very young mother who didn't want me. I wasn't physically held much the first six months and had failure to thrive syndrome, amongst other issues. I was adopted at age six months and the mother-daughter relationship wasn't much better. The mushroom trip gave me a beautiful vision of billions of women throughout all time going through this funnel of abuse that so many of us suffer. We are products of our parents who were products of their parents and the generational abuse and trauma extends millennia. I felt empathy and compassion for the women in my life that I hated and resented.

When I take mushrooms, it's somewhat of a roller coaster or maybe better, a book chapter. There are waves, depths I go in and out of. Sometimes I am very aware of the world around me and other times I am diving into a vision/hallucination. I can recall every journey I have been on. For me, they transition beautifully and gently.

While I was feeling empathy, compassion, and hallucinating this funnel of women throughout history, I suddenly felt myself abruptly leave my body. Even so, it still was gentle. I understood what was happening, although I had never personally felt or experienced leaving my body during a journey. I was very confused. It felt like I was unwillingly pulled from the gentle roller coaster I was on. I believe this is where I stopped breathing, although I did not realize I wasn't breathing.

I floated out of my body, wondering where I would end up and why I was there. I floated to an incredible room. I use the word 'room' for lack of a better word because there were no boundaries or defined walls. I was just infinitely there. I felt love and peace like I had never felt before. Everything was the most beautiful, golden light. I knew many people who were with me, despite the fact they didn't have faces. But they did have auras. I could feel their presence and could absolutely feel their love. I greeted them and looked around in awe. I knew they were the spirit guides of the universe and I knew they created it.

All of a sudden, I was angry because I felt like I had no choice being here. Then, I remembered feeling surprised but also empowered as I started lecturing these spirit guides. Funny, in hindsight. I told them it was truly unfair to bring me into a world and subject me to such pain and trauma. I told them that I was just suddenly here and had to survive what felt like endless abuse. The spirit guides were never angry; they simply held space for me and agreed with me. This confused me. I felt exasperated at the end of my rant, expecting some explanation. Instead, they told me they understood and I could stay with them if I wanted to do so. Of course, I enthusiastically agreed to stay. I was in endless light, love, and peace that I felt so much that it was as if I would explode.

They said great, but they did need to let me know what would happen if I died. In that moment, a million moments happened in seconds. I was suddenly in the fetal position with a massive sphere like tornado all around me; full of the people in my life who loved and needed me. I saw my funeral. I saw their grief. I saw my husband finding my body and his pain. I saw the life of my daughter who would never get to be here. And while this tornado was circling around me, it was showing me vision after vision. I looked up through it all to the guides and told them I could not stay. In that moment, I was violently thrust back into my body. When it had felt like life was in slow motion, suddenly life was going ten million miles an hour, back into my body and into reality. I immediately pushed up off my stomach on my arms and took a massive breath.

One of the things with mushrooms, I can't really sober up. I started this journey on my back with no recollection of turning over on my stomach. When I pushed up on my arms and off my stomach, I knew I had messed up. I felt sober which is not normal and then immediately called my husband. I could see clearly, which is another thing that's not really possible on mushrooms. I told him I was ok, but I could not find my heartbeat. My entire body was blue. I asked him to come home. I rubbed my body vigorously and apologized profusely for what I had done. I didn't want to die. It was a terrifying feeling, knowing I had really put myself in danger.

My husband came home and struggled to find my heartbeat as well. He eventually found a faint heartbeat which was abnormal for me. I have a very strong heartbeat, easily found in many areas. After about twenty minutes, I felt safe and then my mushroom journey resumed. This was unexpected and odd. Unfortunately, it was incredibly rough and painful. There were no gentle hallucinations, and feelings of love and beauty. Everything was cold, clinical and massively pixelated. It was as if the world was glitching in a very seizure-inducing way. I couldn't close my eyes but I couldn't open them either. I have never had a journey like that and it was a brutal few hours afterwards.

I spent the next couple of weeks with severe body aches. I was exhausted and drained despite supplements and attentive self-care. The only thing I was able to figure out was that I had turned over at some point and ended up in a crevice of the air mattress where I was unable to breathe; or maybe I was rebreathing air. I like my air mattresses half-inflated so there was lots of give. Regardless, somehow my body had stopped getting the oxygen it needed which started my NDE. I was not on a massive dose of mushrooms so it is interesting that I did not notice there was an issue. I still had the ability to assess danger while under the influence, even if it is dulled.

I don't regret this and have since taken the mushrooms many times, although never alone. I am incredibly grateful for my experience. In a way, I gave the universe and myself the consent to be in my body. This is something I felt I never had the chance to give before.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 1-10-2021

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Psychedelic use - stopped breathing. Life threatening event, but not clinical death. Stopped breathing for more than a few minutes

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Normal consciousness and alertness. Hard to say - I was obviously under the influence but was still very aware of what was going on

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I felt very aware of what was happening the entire time

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning. There were moments when time was very slow. Then when I told the spirit guides I wanted to stay there, they showed me what would happen if I died. That was very fast with so many scenes happening in what felt likeseconds.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. That is a very difficult question, I am struggling with answering this.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I was listening to a playlist the entire time. I do not remember hearing the music once I left my body.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I remember floating and then being in the 'room' but cannot remember any sort of definitive tunnel. I do remember feeling like I was traveling somewhere

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm. I entered a 'room' full of light and love. It felt like it went upwards vs outwards but there was golden light all around and floating strings of gold in the fabric of the universe

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Immense love, light and peace

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe. I felt that I gave consent to be here now but I also felt like I knew what I saw had been there all along. I also felt VERY deeply like I wandered into a place I wasn't supposed to be. When I arrived, it was almost like a 'hey, what's she doing here?' feeling.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No. I recalled painful points of my childhood while ranting to the spirit guides.

Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from my personal future. I saw my death, my husband finding me, I saw my funeral, my loved ones mourning me, I saw so many people who depend on me, who I help, who I love all feeling grief and pain. I felt immense shame for dying while on drugs. This would be something that would define my existence in a negative light vs who I was, the good I did. I saw my daughter's life that she would never get to have. She is not here yet. I felt everyone's grief.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life The spirit guides gave me the choice to stay and initially I agreed, happily. Then they showed me my death and what would happen. When I looked past those visions of what would happen, and I looked back to the spirit guides, I told them I can't stay. There was no response from them. In an instant, million miles an hour back to my body in a very chaotic way.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths Pantheism, wicca

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. I had already had a belief in love and energy, Mother Earth, etc. In a way, the spirit guides I met were not surprising at all. More of a, 'great to finally meet you.'

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I met what I called spirit guides or makers of the universe. They didn't have faces but I felt very clearly their presence. I knew there were multiple ones and could look and see them although they didnt have a human form.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I always feel this way on mushrooms and sober too.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes I met the spirit guides of the universe. I never met a patriarchal god or single being but instead, many beings. They felt very maternal in nature.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I felt like I had way too much love and goodness to give to the world to have it cut so short.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes It just felt like this was what happens when I die. I get to go to this lovely place and exist there with them, in love.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes I think the whole trip of me going to the spirit guides was addressing this whole concept of consent. I felt resentment for being born and having to suffer and in a way, they acknowledged that suffering with complete empathy and compassion and gave me what felt like a choice for the first time.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I felt it in its purest form. I was it and I was in it and it was me.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life I feel the experience just validated the beliefs I already had. I am still afraid of dying but I am afraid of my life being cut too short, not being able to have kids, not living a full life. I do not fear the act of dying. I know I will be met with so much love.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Every medicine journey I embark on, deepens my relationships because I open my heart up to more and more love each time.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? No

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. I remember the experience in perfect, full detail. I have a spotty memory but this is something I can recall vividly.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? As I mentioned, I feel like I finally gave consent to be here.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared with many people in the immediate time after. I shared with a kambo guide/friend who told me her spirit guides told her that I had stopped breathing for seven minutes. A lot of people thought it was very profound but terrifying that it could have ended badly.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I had heard it was a thing that existed but hadn't really read anyone's experiences in depth.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. There was no question as to the reality of my experience.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. There was no question as to the reality of my experience.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Not at this time

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Nope, this was great!