Erin K NDE

Experience Description

In the middle of 2016, I was 31 years old. I remember dying, but I need to preface this story with a bit of back-story first, or this will not make sense. I met Todd when I was 6 years old. I was raised in a very abusive and neglectful family. Todd was 21-years-old. He lived next-door in our shared duplex. Todd was my life-line; my best friend in the whole world. When I needed comfort, he came for me. When I needed love or a listening ear, he came for me. When I needed food he fed me; and when I needed water, he quenched my thirst. I called him on the phone so many times (in the early 90's, before the internet, all I could do is call him on a dialed-tone phone) in the middle of the night, and he always came for me. He was a huge part of my life, and was the kindest, gentlest soul I have ever known.

Fast-forward years later, through no fault of our own, and through forces we could not control, Todd was forced to move away, while I was forced to do the same. We lost contact. I wondered as a 15-year old child, what had happened to my best friend? We had such a strong soul-level connection. We could actually hear one-another's thoughts, no matter how crazy it may sound. If I was thirsty, I didn't need to tell Todd. He just knew it instantly as he got up to fetch me a glass of water, without me having to speak any words on my own behalf. We had such a strong telepathic connection that I cannot justify or explain it in words.

In mid-2016, I woke up from hearing a voice that spoke to me telepathically, 'Go to [the nearest grocery store, name withheld]' Although I immediately denied the validity of the thought, it felt important somehow. It resonated inside of my soul in a way I cannot explain in words. So I listened and felt it was 'right' somehow. So, I got up and drove to the nearby 24-hour grocery store, thinking it was only because I needed some groceries.

I remember entering the produce department of the local grocery store after 11 pm at night. I never shop that late. Still, I felt like it was the right thing to do, even though I cannot explain how or why I knew this, logically. I proceeded to fill my grocery-cart with a couple loaves of bread.

Then I pushed my grocery-cart to the 'hummus' section of the grocery-store, which was near the bakery-department. There was a man standing there looking at hummus. I was looking at the back of his head, but still I recognized him immediately. I didn't need to see his face, 'Todd! Todd!?' I cried out. It was a purely 'psychic' and non-physical recognition. He had a lot of grey hair that I wouldn't recognize, but my own soul just KNEW who he was, 'Todd' turned around instantly as soon as he heard my voice and he looked around until he made eye-contact with me. 'Todd!' I gasped. I abandoned my cart and my purse, and just to run towards him. He had no idea who I was. I ran to him and I held onto him and began to cry. I missed my best friend! He did not hug me back because he didn't know who I was.

I pulled back and I tried to stop crying so much. 'Todd, it's me! It's Erin, your sweet girl!' He always called me his 'sweet girl.' He pulled back saying, 'Oh my God! Erin!? It's you!' He cried as hard as I did. 'My sweet girl, you're all grown up!' He cried and kept kissing my face and looking at me. I kept crying and said, 'It's me! I missed you! Where have you been?' He held me in his arms saying, 'Sweet girl. It was not up to me. I sent you so many letters. Did you get them?' I replied, 'No! I never got any letters! I thought you were dead!' I cried and I held onto him for dear life, as he said, 'No, I sent you so many letters and I tried to find you. I would never leave you all alone!' I said, 'I never thought you would.'

He brought me back to the hotel he was staying in, and I had the privilege of meeting his 2 lovely daughters and being reunited with his lovely wife, who knew me before we were forced to break contact.

I don't believe for a second that this was a coincidence. I never go grocery shopping at night. We were meant to meet again.

A day later, I was forced to say goodbye to my best-friend Todd, and he promised that we would be together again soon. I cried, as did he, and I believed him. Before he let go of me, he promised me that he would call me on my cell-phone in two weeks. I kissed him goodbye. Todd lived in another state and had to go back home.

Two weeks later, when I did not receive a phone-call from Todd, I knew that something was wrong. I decided to call his home phone number late at night. I waited for the phone to ring, and for Todd to answer. But he did not. Someone else did.

'Hello?,' she asked over the phone. I did not recognize her voice.

I replied, 'Hello? Is Todd home?' I apologized for the late hour that I was calling. 'Who is this?,' the older woman asked me. 'It's Erin.' I replied oved the line. 'Erin?' She asked aloud. 'I know who that is.' I heard Todd's wife's voice in the background. She took the phone and said 'Hello?' I asked, 'Is Todd home? He should've called me by now. I know it's late.' She sighed and paused before answering with tears over the phoneline, 'Erin, I am so sorry. Todd passed away.' I was in shock. 'What!?' I cried, 'I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault!' and than I hung up the phone. I couldn't actually handle the pain of reality in this moment.

I thought, 'What!? My best friend is dead and gone!? No!' I couldn't seem to handle that much pain. I went into shock and could not accept that my best friend in the world was dead. I dropped to my knees on the floor of my bedroom and I rolled over to my left side and began to scream and cry hysterically. Then I heard my cell-phone ring. I answered it. It was Todd's lovely wife saying, 'Erin, Todd loved you very much and he would not want you to blame yourself for this.' 'I am so sorry...' I continued to cry over the phone-line. She replied, 'Me too, honey.' We both cried, and I hung up the phone.

I kept thinking, 'He couldn't be gone, for real, could he!?' I immediately deleted Todd's phone number, because I couldn't bear to see it on my phone again. I told myself that it wasn't true. But, I was lying to myself.

After several minutes, the pain of reality hit me like a thousand bricks striking me in my chest. I couldn't handle the pain. I cried to myself as I rocked back and forth on the floor of my small bedroom. 'He cannot be gone. We just found each other again. This is so wrong!' I cried. Then I completely lost it and could not breathe or think. I could not exist as a human being anymore. My best friend in world was gone. I felt so angry inside and so helpless.

I screamed at the top of my lungs for about 20 minutes until I felt like I might die of a broken heart. Then I did die of a heart-attack. I felt a sharp, stabbing pain shooting down the left side of my arm. At the same time, I felt a very sharp pain shooting through my heart and entire chest. It was a very heavy, crushing pain. I felt very sweaty, panicky, and out of breath. I have asthma and felt like I was having an asthma attack because I could not breathe. I was in so much pain, I didn't even try to breathe. I loved my best friend Todd so much, I could not imagine living without him again.

I can remember holding my left arm and crying out in agony. In that moment, I felt like death was my only option. I let my body go limp and I let the pain overwhelm me. I let go.

Then I was standing outside of my body. I was shocked that I was very much alive, standing outside of my dead body. It was very frightening, actually. I was standing over my dead body, looking down. I looked at my dead lifeless body, and my eyes were open and a bit glazed over. My body was completely lifeless. I wondered what was happening. Then I realized that I was dead. I felt nothing but an overwhelming urge to stay 'dead'.

I thought, 'I don't want to be alive. I don't want to be here!' I cried out to so many beings standing around me. There were maybe 30 or so people in the room with me. I felt that they were loving angels, but they looked like very tall human beings to me. They were very beautiful. I felt like I knew them before I was born, but I had since forgotten them.

I looked down at my lifeless human body again and did not want to go back into this body. When I 'died,' I felt my human soul enter back into unconditional, endless LOVE. I felt like I had lived before I was born, like I would live again, and that I had existed forever. I made eye-contact with a tall man who made eye-contact with me. I told him, 'I'm not going back in there.' We were both crying as he told me, 'We love you so much. It is not your time to die yet. You have to go back. We are so sorry!'

Then I felt a feeling of acceleration and I felt very nauseous. I thought I might throw up, but I didn't. I heard loud sounds that sounded like 'Pop-Rocks' candy and felt tremendous vibrations.

I blinked my eyes and found myself back inside of my physical body. 'No! NO!' I screamed, 'I needed my best friend again. I needed the unconditional love I felt just moments ago to survive! I couldn't stay alive anymore!' I've struggled with depression my whole life; and this was the worst moment of overwhelming pain that I've ever felt in my entire life. All of the heaviness returned to me with my body. I just wanted to feel the endless, unconditional, infinite love that I had felt just moments ago. All the pain returned.

I cried out in agony, and then I felt terribly sharp and painful chest pains once again. Since I'd just been through this, I knew that I was dying from cardiac-arrest yet againand I was OK with it. 'I don't care,' I thought to myself, 'I miss you Todd. I want to be with you.' I found myself saying as I watched my body die, once again. I heard Todd tell me, 'I love you more, sweet girl. Please stay alive.' He spoke to my soul. I resented it saying, 'Easy for you to say, jerk! You just left me here!' He said, 'No, sweet girl, I love you, I will love you forever. I have loved you forever, but it is not your time to go yet.' I could not see him, but his words resonated inside of my soul.

I fell asleep and slept off and on for 4+ days on my bedroom floor. I grieved for Todd for days. I can remember hearing Todd tell me in words I could feel and hear inside my soul, 'Tell our story. It matters.' And I promised that someday, I would. To this day, I cry for my best friend Todd, but I also understand that we will be together someday like he has promised me. I feel like, we humans are born here on earth for an important reason but I still don't know what that is. I feel like we have existed before we were born, and that we will exist after we die. I share my story because I want other people to know that their lost loved ones still exist somewhere and that they are O.K. I share my story, because I want other people to know that no matter how alone they might feel in life, they are not completely alone. I promise there are 'others' who have loved you before you were born, and love you now and who will love you after you die - just as much as 'Todd' loved me. I share my story because I want people to know that if they are suffering from the loss of a loved one; they still exist and you will be reunited with them once again because love is eternal and it never dies. Your 'lost' loved one is not lost at all and they are OK, and they still LOVE YOU. We all existed before we were born in these human bodies, and we will exist for eternity after these human bodies die.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 05/2016

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Heart attack Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function) Cardiac arrest.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain I saw my own physical body as lifeless and dead. I saw tears still streaming down my cheeks after I already left my body. I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I was aware of everything around me, I could seem to see at 360 degrees all around me.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Right after I died.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Faster than usual

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual It's hard to describe. It's like time speeded up and slowed down at the same time, but also remained constant. I know, not helpful...

Were your senses More vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. After I was outside of my dead physical body, I could see 360 degrees all around me.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could hear the 'thoughts' of other spiritual beings in the room with me.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Uncertain I felt like I was surrounded by people I knew before I was born in this life.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I can't describe them in words. Heartache/Unconditional love? Not wanting to return to my body...

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about myself or others I understood I could not die yet, and that my life had a purpose, and so did other lives.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will I was told by loving beings: 'we love you, we are so sorry but you have to go back. You cannot die yet.' I was then forced back into my body.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Other faiths- New age

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I was unsure of life after death, or of the existence of religious figures before this, and now I know we exist after we die and religious figures (as far as I can tell) only really exist to remind us of our infinite nature.

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Agnostic

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I previously was unsure of whether we religious 'saviors' were real, but it seemed to me after I died, that they were all one in the same and all were trying to each us only to love one another and be kind.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I no longer believed we would disappear after death, and was sure we existed after we died, and before we were born.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I heard a man tell me that they loved me and I had to go back into my body, because it wasn't my time t die yet.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I felt like my 'human soul' existed forever before I was born in this life, and was exist forever after I died.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I felt the connection we all share through our hearts, living or dead, past or present or even future, in all the multiverse all at once. I felt like we could never be lost.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes I felt like what we know as 'God' was a very alive and dynamic living force that flowed through al of our hearts and connected us all to one another, and the greater universe.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain It felt like we all existed to love, and to express love.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes I saw my dead body, and roughly 30 other tall human beings around me after I died and left my physical body.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I felt like we were all made out of 'Love' and our purpose is likely to express this unconditional love.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Slight changes in my life I feel like I have more compassion towards all others.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes It's hard to describe in words being able to be aware of more than one reality at once, or being able to 'think' without a physical brain.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. It kind of feels like it was engrained on my soul someh9w, forever.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Realizing that my best friend was not lost forever, and that I would see him again someday.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? No

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I had several NDE before this, as a child - but they weren't as meaningful, not can I remember much of them.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I knew it was real. I was there, it was as real as my waking experience in life now.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I had no doubt in my mind that it was real. I couldn't deny it, even though part of me wanted to.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Just that I know for sure that we exist and are alive to LOVE and that is actually what we are made out of. As silly as that may sound.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? It was a bit long, so I can see some people not having the attention-span to finish it. I didn't really mind, but some people might find it a bit long. I can't really think of anything to add. It was pretty comprehensive!