Estelle G STE

Experience Description

It happened on June 23, 2021, and my life completely changed in 48 hours.

I had gone to the doctor the day before because I felt terrible. My throat was swollen, I was unable to speak or even swallow my saliva. My legs were swollen, and small bruises and little red spots had appeared on my body without me having hit anything for about ten days, and I felt very tired.

The doctor told me to have a blood test the next morning on an empty stomach and prescribed me rest for my angina and compression stockings for my legs. I told myself that my legs must have swollen with the heat, and due to long days standing up. I attributed the fatigue to the fact that I was doing twice as much work as usual, since I was replacing my colleague who was on leave, my work was quite physically demanding, and the days were long.

I went home after the consultation and went to bed.

I was alone with my daughter. My spouse had gone on vacation to a friend's house and my son was No longer living with us at that time.

I had had a difficult year, my 13-year-old daughter having suffered from depression with a high risk of suicide; she had had to be hospitalized. Then, she was scheduled to be transferred to another facility, but until there was a space, she was back home. And even if she was a little better, there was always a risk of that she might decide to act. I was very worried about her at that time. I was fighting for her.

My spouse was also suffering from depression, so I supported him too. As for my 15-year-old son, we had argued a few days before and he had gone to stay with his father. It was difficult for me.

During the night, I developed a great fever. Usually, I'm in good health, and I know that I heal well ... but at that time, my condition was deteriorating, and I felt that the situation was slipping away from me.

At two o'clock in the morning, I woke up my daughter so that she would call the SAMU (NDT: Emergency services in France). Since I couldn't speak, I wrote down what my daughter should say on the phone, but the caller didn't take us seriously. As far as he was concerned, I suffered from severe angina, whereas I felt it was much more serious than that, but I understand, I did not have the strength to insist. So, I waited until 6:30 am on the morning of June 23.

I tried to get out to go to the lab to do the blood test. I didn't succeed, I was on the verge of fainting; I passed in front of the nursing practice downstairs from my apartment, and I tried to go there, but it was closed. I called their number on the list outside; I got their answering machine which gave me a mobile number. And so much the better, because I still couldn't speak.

Thanks to that, I was able to write an SMS explaining my situation.

The nurse responded quickly; she came during the morning. I went back to bed to wait for the results.

Around 4:30 p.m., I knew from the first results that something serious was happening. I texted my spouse to come home. I had to insist, because he didn't understand why I was cutting his vacation short. He ended up hitting the road.

In the meantime, I received a call from my general practitioner who told me that I had something serious and that I had to urgently go to the hospital, that I was expected there because she had warned them of my impending arrival.

I called back my spouse, and he hurried to finish his trip. I arrived at the hospital around 6:30 p.m. It was very difficult to walk, my body was exhausted, but I made it.

Once there, I was impressed because I was greeted by a professor from the hematology department. And that was not good, otherwise it would have been a doctor, not a professor. She told me that I had acute myeloid leukemia, a blood cancer.

She told me I was in danger because my results were very bad. That they would do their best to help me, but that it would be long and difficult.

I thanked her in writing for telling me things as they were.

My blood was acting weird, they couldn't insert a drip. At 7:30 p.m., the teacher made the decision to transfer me to the intensive care unit so that I could be taken care of more quickly if I suffered a failure, and so as to insert bigger catheters.

The only way to save me at that time was to circulate my blood through a machine that would filter it.

The doctors couldn't believe I was still perky with a blast (cancer cell) rate of 92% in my blood. I was No longer afraid now that I was in the hospital. Something told me to keep believing.

I never lost consciousness, the catheters were inserted under local anesthesia in both groins and in the neck. So, I had seven or eight people around me. I was hooked up to heart monitoring devices.

The problem is that they couldn't manage. I saw them struggling, they looked at each other apologetically, they took turns and I clearly felt that they were experiencing difficulties. One doctor said: "I can't do it, it’s not working". It was hard for the entire team.

After a long period of time, around 10.30 pm, I saw a kind of diaphanous light that invaded the room, intensifying and superimposing itself onto the physical world. It was soft and pure and wonderful, so shiny, but not dazzling. I felt that the light was actually pure love.

I have No words to describe it better. It's much more intense than I can express.

I felt so good, bathed in light, loved like I didn't know it was possible to love.

I could see and hear the doctors and nurses very clearly, but everything was bathed in light.

Nothing mattered to me anymore, except for this state of supreme well-being, as I had never been able to feel it before. An immense joy, my heart and soul filled with love, the body so light, as if I No longer felt it in fact. But I didn't leave my body, I just didn't feel it anymore.

I was in a state of perfect bliss, supreme enlightenment, Happiness ... and this love, so great that it’s difficult for me to describe it.

Then, I felt the presence of three people on my right, one closer to me, and two behind. I didn't see them, but I knew very clearly that they were there. Their presence was distinct, very strong, and benevolent. It was as if I had known them forever, without being able to say who they were. They radiated Love; they too were made of Love.

Then, I very clearly received the following message:

"It’s not your time yet, but you have a choice whether to stay or not. Know, however, that if you decide to stay, everything will be fine."

It was a different path from mine, but I heard it in my soul, just like when you hear your inner voice.

It was gentle and assured. I knew it was the truth.

I thought of my children and then I became aware of the words: “I will stay.”

Just as I started to formulate my thought, and before I had finished pronouncing the last syllable in my head, the room returned to normal, the light and the presences disappeared, and I heard a first doctor say happily: “It’s working, I'm succeeding!” Then another added: “That’s it, I've done it!” The third drip was placed immediately afterwards. I could finally be hooked up to the filtration machine.

I again became aware of my body, heavy and painful ... but I was alive!

I carried within me the joy of having experienced all this Love; I smiled. One of the doctors said: “She’s close to death and she's smiling.” I nodded: “Yes.” If I could have spoken, I would have told him not to speak of me in the third person when I was in front of him. But I don't blame him; I think he didn't understand my reaction.

I couldn't sleep, I thought about what I had just experienced; I fell asleep from exhaustion at 4.30 a.m.

I don't know how long the experience lasted. I lost track of time between 10:30 p.m. and midnight.

The next day, one of the doctors told me: “We caught you by your suspenders, in a mouse hole.” It was his way of saying “in extremis.”

I was supposed to stay one week in the intensive care unit. I ended up staying there for four days. Then, I was transferred to a room.

I know that what I experienced was real; it was even very real!

It took me a few weeks to process everything that had just happened. The treatments are cumbersome, and the risk of dying remains throughout the chemotherapy process. First, because of possible reactions to the drugs, then, because of the risk of infections since it completely destroys the immune system. And despite everything, I went through this ordeal with confidence.

I returned home for good four months later. I spent the end of year festivities with my children. Something which I had promised them.

My daughter got a slot in a care center shortly after I was admitted to the hospital. She was discharged from the hospital two weeks after me. She regained a zest for life, and also resumed her schooling brilliantly, even though she had missed out almost a year. I'm proud of her.

She understood what I told her about my near-death experience. She had faith, seeing my self-confidence, and was not afraid that I would die.

My son has reconciled with me. He went through tough times, but he changed a lot. He became benevolent towards others; he chose to turn to the Christian religion, although I never spoke to him about religion. He has matured and I'm proud of him too.

I don't know if his spiritual turn-around is related to the story of my experience.

My spouse did not overcome his depression, and he is lost in his life. I don't know what he thinks about what happened to me. He says I am strong, and that I must have created these thoughts. But I had to insist on telling him that what I had experienced was beyond my control.

During my treatment, I saw a psychologist and a hypnotherapist.

The psychologist didn't believe me. She said it was a mental defense mechanism. I know this is not the case. I don't see her anymore; she left the hospital.

The hypnotherapist, who is a retired cancer doctor, said I had had a near-death experience.

I'm careful to whom I mention it because some people won't believe me.

It's been a year since all this happened.

Two months ago, I learned that the disease is coming back. I resumed chemotherapy, but this time at home, the cancerous cells being less numerous.

I will be hospitalized at the end of July to undergo yet another very strong course of chemotherapy, and a bone marrow transplant, the goal being a complete remission this time.

I was afraid of running out of money, not being able to work for a year. But yesterday, the financial aid I had applied for 10 months ago came through, although it could have been rejected. So, I'm taking my kids on vacation for a few days next week. It’s a beautiful gift from Providence. We hadn't been away for several years.

I have another very beautiful gift from life: I have an anonymous bone marrow donor which is as compatible as if we were brother or sister. It’s extremely rare.

Now, whatever happens during the rest of my journey, even if I die, although it is not my wish, I accept it. I know everything is really perfect. That things don't happen the way I want them to, but the way they should. And it's fine that way.

I am infinitely grateful to have had the chance to live through this experience and to have had the chance to be able to choose.

I am infinitely grateful to be alive.

I'm infinitely grateful that I didn't leave my body, that I didn't go as far as other people were able to go; that I didn't see, but just felt, the beings of light, nor saw my dead father, even though I know he was not far away. Because I would have really struggled to come back.

Since then, my life has brightened. I'm No longer afraid of death, it's just a transition.

I know that everything is exactly the way it should be, when it should be, even if the meaning escapes us.

I am comforted in the idea that life on Earth serves to live experiences that allow us to progress, to rise. And that the only thing that matters is the love and kindness that we spread around us. That’s sometimes very hard, but we are escorted all the way. I know that one day I will return home, into the light.

It reinforced my idea that everything is linked, that we are part of the universe, and that the universe is part of us.

I question myself on a daily basis, I think it has changed me deeply, for the better, even if I was already trying to be a good person before. But I have the feeling that I have to do more, that I should change my life once I'm back in shape ... but I don't yet know how.

I am grateful every day. I live in the present now. Besides, “present” also means "gift". I don't think I've ever been happier and more attuned to the world than since then. I hope I can help other people with my testimony.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 23 juin 2021

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Illness Life threatening event, but not clinical death I was admitted on an emergency basis to intensive care, having developed a case of acute myeloid leukemia. It's a blood cancer. My rate of blasts in the blood reached 92%, which is huge. I should have died before reaching the intensive care unit. I never lost consciousness during the care that was administered.

The only way to save me at the time was to plug my body into an extracorporeal blood circulation filtration machine. Time was running out, and I could see that the doctors were not able to insert the drips. They looked at each other, grimacing, saying: “It’s not working, I can’t manage it.”

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I was just more open to the world and to insights, except those of my body, which I No longer perceived.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Throughout the experience. I think I was more conscious during the experience than daily.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I lost track of time during the whole experience. Briefly, the experience seems to me to have been short, when I know that at least an hour and a half had passed.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. The same.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. The same. It was the perception of the world that was heightened.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Uncertain I know that my father was not far. He died in 2005.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Light flooded the room. It was diaphanous, then intense without dazzling and without masking the "normal" world. It superimposed itself onto the physical world.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? An immense peace, an intense joy, such a strong love.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of No return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life I had the choice to come back or not. The message I received was: "It’s not your time yet, but you have a choice whether to stay or not. Know, however, that if you decide to stay, everything will be fine."

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Agnostic I always knew that something bigger than us exists, without knowing who/what, but I always had faith in Life/the Universe.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Uncertain I continuously send love through thoughts to the world of which I am aware.

I pray, that is to say, I sincerely express my thoughts towards and for the world.

But I didn't join any specific religion.

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Agnostic My NDE comforted me in my faith.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I already had faith in Life, but I didn't expect to live this experience. I didn't expect that there would be these presences or that the light would be so soft and strong at the same time.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I am in transition, my experience is quite recent, but I know that I need to change certain aspects of my life.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I felt the presence of three beings to my right, one close to me and the other two in the background. The closest one communicated with me, I perceived her voice in me.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain The fact that the light is love and that the beings are themselves in the light, is for me proof that something greater than us exists.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain I feel that we don't know how to love, that it is important to love more and better.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes I just felt my father was there.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I have the intimate conviction that only love should guide our lives

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? I live in the present.

I am very grateful to Life; I consider myself very lucky to be alive.

I consider the world with great compassion and empathy.

I think I will change my life when I am cured to do a job that is much more in line with my values: helping, loving, growing, and sharing.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Uncertain I don't have many relationships. But I know that my behavior is changing and that this will inevitably have an impact on my social life.

I am much closer to my children; I show my love to those I love.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Words are not intense enough to describe the light, the beings, and the unconditional love.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience Every moment of the experience is firmly incrusted in me, while I have forgotten certain details of the care administered that day.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Yes, the fact that I had the opportunity to choose whether to stay down here or not. And it's wonderful.

I also know today that there is life after earthly life. And especially that the deceased people I knew are at peace, and happy. Let them hear our thoughts when we send them.

I also know that I am not alone.

I didn't realize how important love is.

I am sad for people who do evil.

Before, I felt alone while facing the trials of life.

Now I am No longer afraid of dying, and I know that whatever happens, I will not be alone.

I hope to grow even more to elevate my soul so as to leave with a sense of having fulfilled my life when the time is right.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I mentioned it quickly. It was so intense that I would have had a hard time keeping it to myself.

My daughter took it in stride, and she found it beautiful. She clearly had faith in my recovery.

My son also listened. I don't know if that influenced him, but he's now a Catholic.

My spouse: I don't think he was influenced; I'm not sure he believes me.

The hospital ward psychologist: She didn't believe it and said it was a mental defense mechanism.

The volunteer hypnotherapist at the hospital: He is a retired oncologist. He believed me.

A friend who told me that guardian angels exist: I don't think I influenced her.

And I hope that over time, I will meet people that I can help with my testimony. Either so as to help them overcome a bereavement, or so that they become less afraid of dying.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I don't think it influenced me. Moreover, I didn't experience the same thing as most of the testimonies I was aware of.

I was interested in it because I'm curious. Deep down, I have always thought that we perceive only a small part of the knowledge of the world and the universe. I wondered how so many testimonies from different people could happen. And they all came back impacted, often to the point of changing their lives.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real Because it happened at the same time as concrete reality. I never fainted, and I was not on drugs. I was in full control when it happened.

That from the moment I chose to stay, the doctors managed to insert the catheters, and the experience stopped.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I tried to doubt. But I couldn't suppress it, it was just too intense and just real. It's more than a memory. I think about it constantly and I am guided at every step by the faith of what I experienced.

I live through this experience.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Despite all the joy I felt, I'm frustrated that I don't know more. To not be able to get in touch with the afterlife again and to have more answers or leads as to the direction my life should take.

Why did this happen to me?

What should I do now that I've stayed?

How was the universe born?

Are there parallel worlds?

And so many other questions...

And I'm nostalgic about being able to return to the Source, because everything over there is love, while on Earth, there is a lot of suffering.

My empathy has grown tremendously; I cannot heal everyone and prevent suffering in the world. And it's hard for me. I'll do my best in the meantime.