Frédéric R NDE-Like

Experience Description:

I was in my living room around 10:00 a.m. The morning was clear and sunny. Since I was trying to get a permanent position at the university, I went to learn about a second refusal they sent me. I was greatly distressed with an immense feeling of depression and loss of hope for my future.

I then decided to write down a kind of legacy listing the failures of my life. At the moment when I took my paper and pen, I was inspired to write a poem that seemed like it was dictated to me. But I didn't hear any audible voice as everything happened in the form of internal thought. I had the feeling to discover my own poem while writing it down, as if I didn't know what I was going to write. The poem was about the nostalgia of love. I had a strong desire to cry but held it back. Then I had several times the thought 'God is calling you' in an insistent way. It was as if this thought was something like a message that was sent to me. I didn't produce this thought consciously. However, this seemed totally absurd to me, as I was a declared atheist and philosophically close to Nietzsche and to 'the death of God.' I was also an avid reader of Arthur Schopenhauer and Sigmund Freud. I resisted this thought and refused to accept it. I turned my face in thought behind me, and was immediately projected in a black well, forming a tunnel with stones of a regular shape, very dense and compact.

Almost immediately I felt a vertical movement without knowing if it went up (or down) and all the stones transformed into light. I found myself in the middle of a light of an inconceivable intensity. Compared with this light, the sun when looking it in the face looks like a weak electrical light bulb. This light was of a total transparency, to the point that normal light seemed dense and compact in comparison. Because of my feeling I knew without the smallest doubt that this light was God (while I was an atheist...) in the same way as you don't doubt the existence of the sun when you receive its beams. I couldn't reason intellectually anymore, I only sensed things. This light was loving me with unconditional love and it wasn't judging me. It made me totally transparent for myself, I saw the truth about myself without being able to lie to myself. I saw my life scrolling with an inconceivable speed, like thumbing through a book in a few seconds. I didn't even have time to stop and meditate on each of the events, but I had the impression that everything was listed, it was like a row of photos parading on a line. Trying to justify for the love that I received from the light, I tried to highlight my 'good deeds' (diverse charities) and I saw that each time, the deep motive of my action solely had been one of pride. This motive kept coming up continually, even with the good things I had done. I was then immediately convinced that there was even not one single atom of love in myself, to the contrary of this light in which I was (even though it was at the same time in me and around myself). Considering myself in my own eyes as unworthy, I then took like a step back (even though the notion of space where I found myself had no sense) to voluntarily leave the light, to regain consciousness in the 'real world'. Then I started to cry about all of my past life until then without love, and immediately wrote down a second inspired poem describing my experience and which was talking about God's love present in every one of us.

Psychologically and directly after this moment, I had many contradictory feelings. I had the terrible impression that my life had been scanned and that I had failed a 'test of validity', and on the other hand I sensed the peace of the love I got in the light. I had the impression that I had been receiving the knowledge of everything that exists without being able to express it with words and concepts. I immediately consulted my bookcase and my books of philosophy and had the impression that all the thinkers were trying to talk about this light without being able to really reach this, I had the impression that it was at the foundation of everything without being expressible through thoughts and words

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: March 2006

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No. psychological trauma Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening normal physical health

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I perceived things with an intensity a thousand times higher than normal; the love that was without limits, the light that was deep, transparent and penetrating, the universe that was forming an organic totality.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I was perfectly lucid and aware, even more aware and lucid during the experience itself!

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning In earthly time the experience seemed to last a few seconds, but every event developed in a very slow and distinct way during the experience. I have to concede that this description is totally contradictory, but it's as if the experience had been a slowed decomposition of a short moment.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Physically I didn't see anything; I was receiving like 'beams' giving me directly the knowledge of things.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. The experience was completely silent, there was the image but not the sound.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes The tunnel was really a well, I was at the bottom of the well, then it's stones transformed into light. I felt a vertical movement without being able to understand if I was going down or up.

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes My complete experience is coming down and articulates around the experience of the light. It was love itself, unconditional, infinite and powerful.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm It was a place without dimensions (no height, width, depth) completely made of light and connected to everything that exists.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Unconditional love, fusion with the universe, feeling of infinity, desperation bound to the judgment of myself, kind of certitude of the existence of a universal reality.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about myself or others I had access to the knowledge of the whole universe, but without being able to memorize it consciously (in fact this is quite frustrating). About myself, I saw myself as if being outside of myself, and I could judge myself with the same objectivity as declaring that there are three pens on a table.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist As I was practicing Karate I was interested in Buddhist meditation, but without attending a center or following a spiritual Buddhist leader.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I started a long spiritual quest (7years). Finally, I turned towards Christianity, but the figure of Jesus was at first a repellent for me (it was soppy). Although 'practicing' I don't grant a central place to religion, as our life is depending on our connection with God and not on the obedience of rules and codes of practice. One cannot be hypocrite, as the real motives of our heart will be revealed one day to ourselves in full light, and at that moment you should be able to accept them to accept yourself. The Bible remains the closest to what I experienced; the importance of love, the light, and forgiveness towards yourself.

What is your religion now? Christian- Protestant Seven years after my experience, following a long spiritual quest I had myself getting baptized by immersion.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience At the moment of the experience I didn't believe in God, even less in the God of Christians that for me was part of the last religions that could be plausible. But during the experience God revealed himself as light and love, what is consistent with what the Bible says. At the moment of the experience I was reading Freud's Psychoanalysis, but I could analyze and even see myself, not my subconscious, but my real being, which was not defined by love but by pride. This contradicted totally my conception of human psychism.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Love is at the center of everything. Compassion and merci are more important than our exterior successes. We can be happy in everything what we do if we are connected to the source of the light. Our Happiness has nothing to do with material things, even though of course they are necessary for our life on earth.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes The whole universe and all things are connected together through the light. Everything allows access to all the others. The whole is also contained in the part and not only the part belonging to the whole. Everything that exists ( what seemed to be greater than the physical universe) was forming a same living unity (and not logical). The totality was organic and real-life and not analyzable rationally.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes The complete experience was just this revelation: 'HE IS'. 'God' revealed himself as light and love, he didn't talk to me, didn't give me a name.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes a knowledge about the totality what exists, but a 'felt' and not a rational knowledge. As a result, there remains no memorable trace via intellectual means, but only as a kind of 'corporal memory'. This total knowledge was alive and not like an analyzable object.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes Clearly our real existence is connected with a 'being of light' which is living in us and which is totally independent of our physical body. Our life persists after the death of the physical body.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes We are judging us ourselves and this judgement is the cause of our own sufferings. We are unable to forgive ourselves.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes The whole experience was turning around this love. It is the base of everything, at the source of everything and we are carrying it in us. This love is so powerful that it could destroy us and burn us, as its intensity is unimaginable. This love had nothing to do with carnal desire or classical love feelings, it was a Force, a Power an inconceivable Energy that had nothing in common with what we on earth call 'love'. This love was constituent of the essence of things and the world itself. It was at the same time in us and around us.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life Before my experience, I was adhering to a nihilist and pessimist philosophy, I was thinking that life was governed by the absurd and by our vital impulses. After the experience I acquired the deep conviction that life is worth being lived, despite the horrors and sufferings that it can carry along, as love is making up for everything in a certain way. Before my experience I didn't want to marry nor wanting to have children; I wanted to have a 'career'. After my experience I married, had children and naturally had a career, without being obsessed by it. Before my experience I was an atheist. After my experience I don't 'believe' in God I 'know' that he exists (which is very different!). My experience was diving me into an intense spiritual quest. I was looking into all works of spiritualities and was interested in many religions especially in their mystic ways (New-age, Hinduism, Sufism, Christianity). Finally, I had myself baptized by total immersion about seven years after my experience and I started to attend a protestant church.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I was considering to change profession, to leave town. I was ready to make a new start.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The experience was about sensations and not about thought. There it's impossible to find words as these are referring only to concrete experiences of everyday life. It's only possible to establish comparisons or parallels but no exact description can be given.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. The fact to tell my experience sometimes lets me relive certain 'sensations', I have the impression that certain aspects are like registered in my body in an indelible way.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I principally acquired a kind of gift of introspection and of suffering in others. Without an intellectual analysis I perceive (by instinct) if a person is suffering, even if he/she is pretending feeling well to save face in the social world. I can sometimes receive pictures of the inner state of persons. Sometimes I have like exterior thoughts inciting me to go towards unknown persons, simply to talk to them. But I don't hear any physical voice and am never forced to whatever it is. I'm more sensitive for kinds of 'divine suggestions'. However, this state is not systematic and permanent, it is intermittent and can be sleeping during several weeks.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The part of the experience having most of value is the one that is at the same time it's center: love. Without this revelation, it would be difficult for me to live in the current world woven with injustice, sufferings, wars and other abominations.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it on the same evening with my then girlfriend, who is today my wife. She didn't say anything, she did read my poems; at the time she was close to a protestant church and believed in God. During seven years I didn't share my experience, then people I met at church were inciting me to talk about. Today (12 years after) I'm talking much more freely about, without fear of being judged,

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real Reality of the experience comes from the emotional and physical intensity of it. I have the impression that I tasted something that is not existing on earth and this feeling was indelible.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I have experienced a moment of doubt about 5 months after my experience, due to my knowledge regarding psychology and psychoanalysis. I was thinking that I had been having a mechanism of decompensation described by Freud in his work 'Metapsychology' in the chapter 'Mourning and Melancholy'. My poems served in the beginning as witness. Then I discovered the works of spirituality that comforted me. Finally, I discovered that my experience was very close to many NDEs.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I had flashbacks either in rereading my poems written down at the occasion, or while praying, or while reading certain spiritual texts. But I have never until now had such an intense experience as the first one.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? It changed my life completely and I'm thankful for this second chance that was given to me.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? The questionnaire seems quite complete to me; I have been able to mention everything.