Kathleen SDE

Experience Description

On June 13, 2020, my father passed away in a nursing care center. I had no idea that my father was going to pass that day. I live over 200 miles away. At the time of his passing, I was in my backyard working with my husband building an extension patio. I was wide awake and it was the middle of the afternoon. I do not use drugs and had not been drinking. At the time my experience started, I had been shoveling gravel from the driveway into a wheelbarrow and rolling it to the back patio where my husband would then take over the wheel barrow to roll it down a ramp into the lower patio. This event happened during a single trip from the front yard to the back.

As I describe this experience, it is coming from two perspectives. I believe there was a ‘spirit me’ that experienced and witnessed the transitional event of my father’s passing from this world and there was the ‘human me.’ As the human me, I am reflecting back on the spiritual experience through a lens of analysis and trying to connect the dots to make sense of what happened. During this event, the human me was pushing a wheelbarrow and has no recollection of how I moved from point A to point B. The spirit me witnessed something else.

As I was rolling the wheelbarrow past the maple tree, I was out of breath. So, I stopped to take a quick break. I was standing about 5 feet from our maple tree. I recall looking up into the blue sky, feeling the warmth from the summer day. Something swept through me. A thought was spoken, “what a beautiful summer day,” while at the same time I was experiencing an emotion of absolute joy. A transition of some sort occurred at this point. I can only describe the feeling as pure joy sweeping through me from my back to my front. It was as if a giant smile was pasted across my face. I vaguely recall seeing some sort of golden apparition smiling back at me. A reflection? It was so quick. There was an upward lifting sensation and I also recall the sensation of my eyes rolling up towards the top of my head.

Something changed so seamlessly at this point, that I did not even realize it changed. After this transition, my attention shifted to the maple tree. The tree I was standing 5 feet away from now appeared to be more than 50 feet away. The backyard appeared to be stretched or warped. Even at this moment, it never occurred to me that anything had changed or was abnormal. I didn't even question how I moved so far in an instant.

There was a man with his back side facing me standing under the maple tree. At that time, I assumed was my husband. I felt a little agitated at him, because I left him in the lower patio and I was wondering what he was doing under the tree. I looked down at his feet. He was wearing jeans, a baseball cap and a blue t-shirt. He did not appear as an apparition or a ghost. He appeared like a young, full-bodied man. During this part of my experience, I did not realize this was my father. I was about to yell at him, “what are you doing over there?”, but for some reason I did not.

At another point during this experience, I recall wanting a closer look at something, and instantly, I was both far away and being right up to the back side of his neck as if I were only inches away. I saw every single hair sticking out between the strap of the baseball cap. I can describe it as being up close while at the same time being in the distance. I honestly don't know whose hair I was looking at. My husband at the time, was still in the lower patio on the opposite end of the yard. The man under the tree was obviously not my husband.

I moved on to what I can only describe as ‘the next scene.’ I still perceived myself as working in the backyard. In my mind, I was heading back to the front. I noticed a light coming in on the left side of this man. I remember thinking to myself, "Oh a light is coming in.” But I wasn’t really impressed or didn't understand the significance of it. But I was thinking, “pretty light”.

Then it was if I was walking past the tree again or my attention was redirected back on the light. This time I noticed something different about the light; like, “you don't see this every day.” It was a soft, white and misty light. It shimmered as if it contained sparkles of light. There was a white clarity that is difficult to describe. I also saw colors/hues of light pinks and blues. The light was bathing this man on his left side and it was absolutely beautiful. I just stood there and said to myself, “Wow! that is beautiful. I wish I had a camera”.

It may be worth noting that the sun at this time of day was on the right side of the house, while this incredibly beautiful light was coming in on the left. What happened next was the most profound part of my experience.

I saw or perceived a robed arm stretching out from this light.

I say perceived because for most of my experience, I can close my eyes and revisit all the vivid details, except with regards to this large arm stretching out of the light. I know I saw an arm at the time of my experience. But when I close my eyes to revisit the memory, I cannot see it except I remember the intense sparkle/twinkle that occurred when the arm made contact with the back side of my father’s left shoulder.

It was as if a seam had opened up in my backyard and light was pouring out of it. The Being emanated an intense light that was the light and was inside the light. The light was brilliant but soft. I did not see a face. At the same moment when the stretched-out arm made contact with the back side of my father's left shoulder, a bright sparkle/twinkle occurred. At that exact same moment, I heard a voice/thought inside my head saying the words with the most indescribable loving intensity, ”I love him.” It was like an internal voice that was soft and whispering, “I love him.” It was not my thought, although it felt like it came through my mind.

I understand now that I was being spoken to telepathically. The intense love being expressed through my heart while simultaneously hearing the thought, “I love him” was so intense. I felt what I would describe as being crippled in love and awe. It was both an emotional and physical experience. I felt as if I was tilting my head into my left shoulder in awe, like one would do when witnessing the most innocent and beautiful thing you could ever imagine. At the same time, my heart just swelled in love.

I believe now that I was truly sharing my father’s death experience in these moments.

When the light being made contact with his left side, my heart on the left side literally swelled with love. I felt it as a physical sensation. I thought/responded, “I would never say that.” I understand now that my response was because I recognized this expression of love moving through me was not coming from me. I was confused. I spoke the truth. This love was so intense and parental in nature. I never felt that love before. I don't think it exists here on earth in that form. The closest thing that resembled that love was the love I experienced after giving birth to my children. But the feeling was magnified.

Was I supposed to love like that? When those words, “I would never say that” came from my mind, I felt ashamed. I realized at that moment, my soul or spirit was bare and open. There were no boundaries and nothing was hidden. There was no fear, just a bit of shame. But the shame was quickly whisked away.

At some point, I was no longer looking at my father; maybe he wasn’t there anymore and my full attention was on the light. I was mesmerized by the beauty, the colors, the love, and the awe. I saw what looked like soft dandelion seeds floating and reflecting the light. Although they could have been bugs in my backyard, I remember them dancing in the light. I also saw something more solid in the light. It was a brilliant, gold color and it had a more fluid and solid density to it. I was trying to figure out what it was. Instantly as if I moved by thought, I recall being inside what I would describe as the center of a sphere of soft, white static-like energy like the television snow but finer. Windows were all around inside this sphere. The edges of these windows we like vignette, blended in this sphere of static white. The window in front was playing a high-definition hyper-real movie.

The man walking in this movie was absolutely the back side of my father walking towards an old house. He was still wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball cap. The man whose back side was facing me in my backyard was the same man that I was watching in this movie. This is the first time I recognized my father and he was a younger version of himself. He was walking towards a house in green grass. The house had a whitish-yellow wood siding. Although, I never saw anyone else in this window but my father. I could hear a child giggling and I could hear people laughing. I connected emotionally with the giggling child. It felt like a memory, but it is not a memory I recollect. It felt like someone was chasing the child, like when you play tag. The windows on the sides of the sphere I recall were blotted out, black and white blurs. Whatever was playing in those windows I could not see.

The next thing I recall was the sensation of putting/dropping the wheelbarrow down by the lower patio where I left my husband working. My physical vision was black but being blotted back in quickly. There was a tug or a pull. It felt like soft sand was being poured into the top of my head and it tickled the back of my eyes. When my physical vision was completely restored in seconds, I saw my husband in the lower patio where I had left him.

My first thought was, “If my husband is in the patio, who is under the tree?” I sat down on the patio and I kept staring at the tree. I said to myself, “What just happened? Something happened.” I couldn’t put my finger on it but I know I saw someone under the tree. I still had this echo of the child giggling and a very strong sense of déjà vu. I felt heavy, like a weighted burden. Gravity. I was trying to plug reality into it. I thought. "Did I mistake the BBQ grill for a person? Was I day dreaming?" At that moment, I could not recollect the details, just fragments. I sat there puzzled. All I recalled at that moment was that I saw a man under the tree but no one was there. There was only the essence of a lingering memory of a picnic and the giggling child. Eventually, I just shrugged it off and went back to work.

Oddly, I was full of energy and I even out worked my husband. It was late in the evening, we decided to call it a day and that is when I noticed my phone had been blowing up with messages from my brothers and sisters. I did not get to read them because at that same moment, my brother called me and said, “How are you taking it?” I told him that I did not know what he was referring to but that I am assuming our father has passed. We talked for a while. I took a shower and ate a small dinner. Later, I was alone and reflecting on the day. I read through the text messages and then thought about what I was doing when my father passed. Then it all came back to me; Everything and every detail. I remembered everything I described above. I was so elated, I started telling my husband, then other family members. All I kept saying was, “I’m not special. But I saw dad go to heaven” I now have a million new questions about life. I don't know if this experience was just for me. I understand clearly that I am not any more special than anyone else; as we are all loved and all special. What I do know is that when other people shared their experiences, I felt validated. that I wasn't losing my mind or alone. There are many events and dreams in my life that occurred prior to this experience. I refer to them now as guideposts or synchronicities and many that occurred after. This experience was significantly different because I was wide awake and it was the middle of the afternoon. I now pay close attention to everything in my life. I don't believe any of it is by accident or by coincidence.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 06/13/2020

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Shared Death - my father passed Other Working in my backyard pushing a wheel barrow My father passed away. But at the time, I did know he was dying.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain I heard a child giggling and people laughing. I assume it was from the memory movie I was watching. But I could not see them. Possibly it was coming from something external. like a neighbor. I don't know I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Normal consciousness and alertness My experience seemed to be broken up in scenes. Although I describe my experience in a sequence, I had to put that sequence together afterwards. Time was different and difficult to explain.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I felt aware and alert at all time. When I was inside the sphere of white energy, I was more like an observer. No fear and no questions. Just looking around. My backyard was not visible when I was inside this sphere. I never even questioned why.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I had to establish a sequence of event because I could not tell you what order it happened in. I understood the start and end point and had to put it in a logical order. There were also gaps in time. I either cannot recall or things just happened scene by scene.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? No

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My backyard was stretched out. Whenever I queried something, I moved in that space instantly. There was something calming and peaceful in that space. I thought I was working but don't recall feeling any physical limitations. like back pain or the heaviness of the wheelbarrow. My physical vision was black and I have no recollection of walking from point A to point B.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I don't recall hearing anything but when I was watching the movie screen. I could hear. I recall thinking about yelling at the man under the tree, "what are you doing over there" but for some reason, I never did. I only thought it. All conversations were expressed through thought and emotion.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain My backyard stretched and warped, I was either inside that as a tunnel or my vision was being presented through a different lens.

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes My father was deceased. I did not know he died at the time. But I saw him. he looked like a physical young man. not an apparition. When the light touched him, I think he transformed. But I do not recollect details. just that I did not see him standing there anymore.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Beautiful white light. Slowly moved in. Shimmery as if glitter was floating inside it or little shimmers of light. soft, hues of color.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm The sphere of energy I was inside of. at this point I could not see anything but the inside of the sphere. I could not see my house or backyard anymore. Didn't even think about them. I was more stoic in this space. Curious. Looking around. No fear.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Absolute Joy - Then felt normal like I am now - then I felt intense love - then a bit of shame - and then peacefulness and while watching the memory movie, there was emotionless-ness (but I was focused on the happy moment of the child)

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No I think I was in a life review. I did not know it at the time, but I read other experiences after mine. discovered someone mentioning 360 life review and I was like, "aha! that's what it was" But I think it was a memory of my father as a young man and myself. But it is also a memory I have no recollection of. thus uncertain.

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? No comment Had some exposure to Christianity growing up - not much though. Mostly though TV. Spent my 20s through my 30s as a Jehovah's Witness. Left the organization sometime around 2005. However, I spoke about spiritual things often with my spouse.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes There is a knowing. there is something else beyond this life. I don't know what it is outside the boundaries of this world, but I know we are loved. I don't subscribe to any specific religious organization, but I do listen to and read many different spiritual texts that resonate with love and kindness. I try to practice love and kindness every day. I am not perfect. I have emotional meltdowns from time to time. But I do understand better what Jesus was teaching and I am not opposed to listening to other religious teachings. I pray every day. often. I try to meditate. Take care of myself and others.

What is your religion now? Do not know I am open to listening to all faiths that pursue and speak of love and kindness. I am currently focusing on just being a kinder and more loving version of myself. rather than just a belief.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience In my previous religious affiliations, I believed that when we die, the dead know nothing. and the energy or active force that God gave us life with returns back to God. I believed there had to be a God, but I never would have believed that beings were made of light or that my father would be standing in my backyard or that there was a life review. I am more careful with what I put into my mind now.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Uncertain I pay attention - sometimes it feels like I am being told to perform and act of kindness because it's an opportunity. Then I just do it. I try to be more helpful, more kind. I can't argue because it's painful to be in a room when people are arguing.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I heard a voice I could not identify I heard a voice in my mind that spoke to me, but I did not understand what was happening. It used my heart and my mind when it spoke to me and I responded with "I would never say that" I felt ashamed that I did not love like the love that I was experiencing. I felt open and exposed and I knew there was nothing I could hide. but the shame was removed. It was just gone in an instant.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain Not in words, but in my responses. I had a moment of shame (I was open and exposed) to something else. My shame was like that of a child's shame. I was aware that I was not alone but I never questioned who was there. it was like I knew. I was not afraid.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Uncertain Just that the man being collected (my father) was loved beyond comprehension.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I felt shame because I did not love like the love that was expressed through me. I knew (without words) that love was important.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life I pay attention to everything. It's as if clues are presented in my everyday life to help me pay attention. The experience happened 2 years ago but the experience has been present with me every day, every hour. It's always there. Awareness.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I try to be kinder, more helpful. I am still being human and I am still a work in progress. But I can't argue. when I hear people arguing, I am more sensitive to any expressions of anger. I try to be the peacemaker or just remove myself from the situation. But I am aware that my actions and feelings affect others, I don't want to cause anyone grief, so I just try to be more caring.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes There are emotional experiences that are difficult to convey. There were gaps in time. Like moving around by thought. Seeing multiple things at the same time. close up and far away.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience as accurately as other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I was always just me. I had a sense of just being me.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I would say intuitive. My special gift that I have had since my experience is awareness. Its present every day. when I wake up it's the first thing on my mind and when I go to bed it's the last thing on my mind. It never goes away except in small pockets of time.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? There were things that occurred before my experience. I received what I call a knowing. I understood that "love is a way of life" I also had forgiven my father and mother. That morning at breakfast, I told my husband that I forgave both of them. and I meant it with my heart, mind and soul. The experience I felt was a gift because of my love and forgiveness. but I still have more to work on. The most meaningful part was when this being made of light expressed love for my father. I got to feel that love. It's not of this world. Sometimes I tear up thinking about how much we are loved.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it with my family right away. I think most of them believe me. but as you can imagine, there are mixed reactions. I also shared my experience with the "Shared Crossing Project". They do research on Shared Death experiences.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I remember hearing a few stories about people seeing "the light" during surgery and that it was probably the surgical lights - and that it was related to events of a dying brain. But I don't believe that anymore. I was not the one dying. my father was.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It is always present with me. It is a part of my life now. I spent a year in tears off an on. coming to terms with who I thought I was before and who I am now. It changes a person internally....it never stops changing me. I have had some people say harsh things, but if the shoe were on the other foot, I understand how hard it is for someone just to accept something supernatural.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real It just was. it's always there reminding me. I know what I saw, felt and heard. I just can't change that

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Uncertain There were things that I experienced as a child that I believe now. were spiritual in nature. I believe I had a shred death experience when I was 17. but it was a lot different Also there are things that I have experienced in everyday life that I believe a spiritual in nature. Life itself is spiritual if you choose to see it that way. But I have not experienced anything as profound as what I experienced when my father passed.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Just be the best version of yourself that you can be.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? None that I can think of at this time. Thank you for all you do.