Kevin P NDE

Experience Description

It was the early morning; I guess 4:30 am. Around dawn, foggy. I stood there on the tracks, facing the first train coming from the northeast, a town called Hagen. I could see it coming for about a kilometer, or so. One should think the train would come nearer in a continuous way, but I didn't experience it like that. It was more like it came in leaps at me, about five maybe. I remember wondering about the dimness of the headlights. Anyways, the last visual experience I can remember is the engine looming like a giant above me, maybe three to five meters away. (Looked like this: http://railfaneurope.net/pix/de/electric/111/S-Bahn/111_150-188/pix.html ).

Then it hit me hard, but it wasn't that painful. What I now describe must have happened in a few seconds or even in a split-second only. When it hit me I immediately blacked out, which means I lost sight, and awareness of my body and its orientation. But I heard six sharp wet, crunching, cracking, sounds which must have been the breaking bones in my right upper arm which I remember to have raised before me instinctively in the last moment. I heard the train rushing by and smelled the odor of working electro motors but felt no pain. Then the blackness changed to a red pinkness and I felt myself dwindling away. I thought, 'Das war alles? Das war ja einfach! (This was all? That was easy!)' And imagined some sort of grin. Then I felt only warmth and nothing more. This is where the actual experience begins.

I SAW myself lie beside the track, the last two wagons of the train passing me, not slowing down. I remember asking myself how this could be, but shrugged it off, more or less. I felt detached, which I actually was. My right arm was torn off at the shoulder, right with the sleeve from the coat I've worn. Blood gushed out, it colored all darker than the surroundings. The right back of my skull seemed smashed in, red/white/yellow pulp/gore there with a few strands of my hair in it. Usually a sight, which would, made me vomit, I guess. But I just 'saw' this and felt nothing about it. Then I began to move, I can't say by being pulled, or drawn into something, it just felt so, moving while not being aware of what moved. I didn't miss that part of awareness. I remember some sort of place, dense with 'people' talking, and myself rushing through that place at an insane speed, but not bumping into anyone/thing. I said people because that is like what it felt, they talked, I could 'hear' them all, but not about what, or in which language they talked. I knew it was talk.

By maybe a few thousand to a few ten thousandths, not hundred thousandths or millions. I couldn't describe what it looked like, because it was just a grey whirl to me which I raced through or more like been raced through. Then I felt like slowing down and being stopped in what seemed absolutely like space near the earth to me. At least that was what I would imagine from movies. Somewhere near earth, but at least a little farther out than the moon, because earth was not bigger than the moon usually is. I remember seeing Europe, Asia, Africa, parts of North America and the northern Ice shelf through the clouds. I remember being totally absorbed with that sight and wondering what is happening here to me. While wondering about that I more felt than heard something like a voice, which sounded in me, asking something like, 'Was machst/willst Du denn schon hier? (What are you looking for? What do you want already here?)' Which made me respond like, 'Welches Arschloch fragt das, und was ist hier ⁿberhaupt los? (Which asshole is asking that and what's going on here?)' Where I then felt something like consternation from that being, and at least three others 'nearing', but not from the place I rushed through at first.

Actually I had no real sense of place and direction, I just sensed this was different, could see the earth like I already described, and felt 'others' moving in. I did not 'see' them, I could not 'hear' them, but could reach them nonetheless, like they could me. 'They' just 'were', not gods, not aliens, not other dead people, not ghosts, but 'they' felt human, or at least someone who 'talked' exactly like what I would think of as human. I didn't feel the need to ask that, except of my initial question, which I felt, was sort of being discussed by them. But not answered. Instead some other 'voice', distinctively different from the first one said something like 'Komm mal mit, (Come along,)' to me. And it just happened so, that what was I did not walk, not glide, but somehow 'moved' with that one, into another place where I could 'see' nothing but stars, but so much brighter and with colors. Then this being told me it would show me things, and without questioning that, I said something like, 'Sure, go on...'

What happened then I can only describe as picture/movie storm or information overload with very few explanations. I remember seeing the earth from different heights, at different places and different times, natural catastrophes, changing coastlines, cloud patterns, changing continents, changing (land) marks of civilization, like some madman's view of all possibilities in fast-forward in some simulation. This lasted for three days; at least I remember being talked to go to 'sleep' for three times. Then I awoke in agony besides the tracks, no torn off right arm and I didn't dare to think about my head. I just lay there on my left side, my whole right side a source of pain and thought this couldn't be true? This MUST NOT be true?

I saw bright white/blue sparks dancing before my eyes, grayed out, blacked out. Awoke again, fumbled with my left arm for my cell phone in my coat pocket, set it to free speaker, called emergency and told the unbelieving operator to send some ambulance and get me. Which wasn't that easy because I didn't know where exactly this place on the tracks was. After what seemed like an endless time to me, the emergency doctor arrived with the police. Asked me where it hurt, I said my whole right side, especially my arm, my head. He asked where on my head, which made me wonder why he would do that? I carefully checked with my left hand, and it seemed ok, no blood on it either. I couldn't believe that, gasped relieved for breath and said: 'But...'

Then he wanted to cut my clothes off to see my arm, but I didn't want that, so I wriggled very slowly out of my coat and sweater to see my arm. Wasn't an open break. Then there was the question how I could get to the ambulance, which was 150 to 200 meters away. For whatever reason, I didn't want to be carried on a stretcher, so I actually walked.

So what happened? I can't tell, I survived this with a badly broken arm, and in real-time this could have lasted no more than ten to fifteen minutes, because later I learned that they stopped the train at a station to question the engineer. Couldn't have been longer, because then it would be at another station. I never told a doctor about this, so far. I certainly haven't been clinically dead in that time either, even if, no one who suffered that should be able to walk a few minutes after that. And yet I can remember me seeing myself with torn off arm and partially smashed in skull.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: 23 April 2001

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt 'Life threatening event, but not clinical death' I tried to commit suicide by being run over by a train traveling at around 120 kph.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful

The experience included: Out of body experience

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I think during the whole time, except of when I have been told to get rest/go to sleep.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I felt like I was traveling distances at unlikely speeds. On the other hand I had no real sense of distance.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. What I saw, I saw very much clearer, but I saw only the things I had the feeling which was I allowed to see. So no 'super-x-ray-vision' at everything.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I can't remember hearing that much. Except of the 'voices', but these again were more like telepathy, not even in a language, but the 'message', the 'concept' was right there.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I did pass a 'place' at high speed without bumping into anyone or anything, though it felt very crowded. But it was open, nothing like a tunnel, or even something with a roof over it.

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes I do not know who they were and when I asked I got no answer to it. Where they were I have no clue, from what I have seen (The Earth from very far above) my best guess would be somewhere in what we call space behind the Moon. But another guess of mine would be, different people would see other things and places and therefore guess different. What was communicated wasn't that much, except of their question what I would want here so soon, the consternation about my irritated backfiring to that, that I should come along to see things, and that I should rest/sleep after the picture/movie storm.

The experience included: Void

The experience included: Darkness

The experience included: Light

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain While I was racing, rushing, gliding, flying, whatever through this first place with the many people, I had for a short time the feeling I'd move towards something which warms me, like the rising sun on your face after a cold night, or a camp fire. A pleasant feeling. But when I've arrived there I felt like hanging in space, though not cold or afraid of that.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm I clearly remember seeing Earth from space, somewhere behind Moons Orbit, because Earth seemed small. Not bigger as fullmoon which is high in the sky, at least. I also remember to haven't seen some "abstract" Earth, but the continents Europe, Africa, Asia, half of the northern Iceshelf, very tiny part of Northamerica and a tiny part of Australia. Which is why i now have exactly that sight, but without clouds as my desktopbackground drawn by program called xplanet. And i never ever intend to change this.

The experience included: Strong emotional tone

What emotions did you feel during the experience? At first doubt, disbelief. Later wondering, serenity, calmness.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness

Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

The experience included: Special Knowledge

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control

The experience included: Vision of the future

Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Uncertain Well, I don't believe in horoscopes or any God we Earthlings felt the urge and need to invent to feel cozy, safe and secure, but there is something which is 'above' this. I don't care how it's called. I do know that I am somehow part of it. In the light of this I can only raise my eyebrows over most things of daily life, and don't want to be part of THAT anymore. Which is nothing new, but suicide is a no-no.

What is your religion now? Liberal

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Uncertain Well, I don't believe in horoscopes or any God we Earthlings felt the urge and need to invent to feel cozy, safe and secure, but there is something which is 'above' this. I don't care how it's called. I do know that I am somehow part of it. In the light of this I can only raise my eyebrows over most things of daily life, and don't want to be part of THAT anymore. Which is nothing new, but suicide is a no-no.

The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain I just saw planet Earth in some 'godlike/satellite/bird's eye' view from above, I haven't been aware of the lives there, or, say, political events. I just got the feeling that things are like they are, but they could be absolutely different also and that 'we' as humans are nothing special and could be wiped out anytime by different events. But that it doesn't really matter.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Way too much out of the context of usual daily life. Way too many doubts if this happened at all, or due to some so far not understood 'mechanism' one's own brain tries to approximate whatever happens into the nearest known approximations.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes Clairvoyance it is called, I think. When you dream something very vivid, say you see a place which you don't know where it is, and a few years later you just happen to be there under absurd circumstances and question your sanity because so much dΘjα-vu just can't happen.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Well, given the fact that I didn't want to exist anymore, only to be aware of some sort of ⁿberexistence/afterlife/whatnot was and is surely significant? Not? For someone with an agnostic mindset tending towards atheism, this heavily changes any equation of life he formerly had.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes After four years to very few persons. Some told me to investigate into 'Esotericism', which I did, but came to the conclusion that it doesn't help me because it's a too wide field and too much nonsense in parts of it. They try to give them names, which is understandable. But maybe there is no language to really express what is meant, or is. Mostly I now prefer to let it just be.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I heard/read about some people seeing a white light through a tunnel and seeing 'God' at the end of it. After having an accident, or being in hospital, or so. Didn't interest me. How do you mean affect my experience? I surely didn't try to commit suicide to take a shortcut to 'the light', what I wanted was no light at all. Actually, I can't remember thinking of that during my experience. Except of the initial shock that I'm not dead, or at least my consciousness didn't cease to be. Which was the whole point of it.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real This was too long, to detailed, to be a dream, hallucination, delusion. Though one questions himself, trying to explain, what is not explainable by common wisdom.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real See above. Additionally I researched into it, got both sides of the view and decided for myself this IS really real. Has to! Especially given the fact what sort of dreams I had later, what places I saw in them, and how it got me there.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No