Mathew B NDE

Experience Description

On Friday, June 14th, 2018, I was wrapping up a long exercise session. I hiked for 7 miles, did an hour of yoga, and some intense weightlifting. During my last set of dumbbell curls I felt a sharp pop in my right upper neck, with a smaller pain near the base of my skull on the left, and immediately put the weights down and tried to stretch it out as it felt like a pulled muscle. Nothing seemed to help though, and I eventually took some Tylenol and decided to take it easy the next few days. However, the pain continued to increase hour by hour, and on Sunday, June 16th, Father’s Day, I woke up with even more pain and let my wife know that we needed to go to urgent care to see if there was maybe something worse than just a pulled muscle. We had planned to have fun that day, and I was looking forward to having my first Father’s Day with my daughter, but I figured in and out and we would do our planned activities afterward.

As my wife was getting ready to go and I was downstairs with the baby, I took my blood pressure as the pain was increasing even more and it was rather high (180/90 or so). I didn’t feel very nervous or afraid at this point but was certainly concerned. 10 minutes later, my vision started to go in and out and the pain felt like a gorilla jumped off a building and was beating me in the head over and over with each heartbeat. I called for my wife to come downstairs and got out my phone and told her to call 911 as my voice started to slur and I collapsed on the floor and my vision faded out. The pain was unbearable. I had never felt pain on that scale before and it felt like my head exploded before my vision went black.

At this point I had felt like I had died or was at least closer to death than I had ever been in my life. As I was prepared for whatever came next, an absolute peace came over me and I heard a voice say, ‘everything is going to be alright, just chill out’, not in my voice, but in a voice that sounded like an older man, or a flower child from the 60’s. In other words, a hippie. I did not see who was talking or had I ever heard that voice before, but it felt familiar and comforting. I felt connected to it and to everything around me, and as I let go of my surroundings it felt like part of my ego had died and everything that was happening and had happened up to that point in my entire life just made perfect sense to me. And then the pain stopped for a brief second and I was back in my own body and aware of what was going on around me. I’m not sure how long I was out, it could have been seconds but also felt like days.

The pain returned after a moment, but it was more manageable even if the same intensity, like I could just ignore the pain. I could not move at all, and my voice was slurred but I felt a perfect clarity of thought and was able to direct my wife on the phone on what to say, and then had her call a few friends and family members to come over as I knew I was going to go to the hospital and didn’t want her to be alone. I was able to check myself for stroke symptoms and did not seem to think that could be it as the paralysis was on both sides of the body and my face was not drooping. I also felt very clear minded and more aware than I had ever been in my life despite the pain and being unable to move and articulate my thoughts through my mouth. In fact, I was calm through it all and did not feel in any danger at all.

After the ambulance arrived, they were able to sit me up and my body started to jerk and shake uncontrollably. After about 10-15 min I was able to stand up and walk with help to the ambulance. I had another bout of paralysis in the ambulance and once more at the hospital. I was not scared, but rather just very thankful and glad I was still in this life. The doctor who first saw me thought it was a panic attack but still ordered and MRI and CT scan, both of which were clear. I was discharged shortly after and had to be helped to walk to the car and was driven home.

For the next few weeks, it felt like I was just not all the way back to normal or used to my body. Going down the stairs took a lot of thought and use of handrails, and I had a stutter that developed during and after that would come back if there was too much information going into my brain, like it was short circuiting. It also took some effort just to walk some days without tripping over myself. I probably should not have been driving, and I ended up running a few stop signs and a red light within a few weeks of the event, so I had my wife take over until I felt ready to drive again.

I was able to go in and see my regular doctor after 2 weeks and still had lingering symptoms with stuttering and walking issues (it took forever to get in to see them). They immediately referred me to a neurologist which took 6 months to get in and see, by which time I had completely recovered from whatever had happened and was diagnosed with a complex migraine causing catatonia.

In that very brief instant of laying on the floor though, my entire outlook on life changed, and I feel it was for the better. My life before the event seemed to be on autopilot, and while I felt happy, I was just going through the motions and not living with purpose. I was somewhat religious before this happened, but had been moving away from it for a while and just attended Mass on occasion. Now I just feel like organized religion does nothing for me anymore and I just set out on my own journey of self-discovery and growth, and I found that I really did like myself more as a result and I strive to be a kinder person to everyone. Now, I am more focused on just finding connections with others and being the best version of myself so that I can better take care of those around me.

This event has also helped me to dig up things in my past that I had been burying and not willing to engage or discuss. Chiefly, how much self-doubt and imposter syndrome behavior I had been engaging in that has led to negative thoughts and emotions. I feel this mostly stems from my childhood and trying to be someone who my others wanted me to be and not simply being myself. Also, my dreams (when I do have them) are also very much more vivid and I can generally remember them very well and will have lucid dreams from time to time.

Whatever happened to me in that brief instant when I heard that voice and collapsed on the ground felt more real than anything I had felt before, and I am not afraid of death or what may come after. Meditation and breathing exercises are a part of my daily routine, and I’ve stopped with the intense workouts and instead focus on just being healthy and connecting with the world around me through nature and being with friends and family. I also try to enjoy being with myself and finding new hobbies and ways to explore the world.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: June 2019

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident Direct head injury Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening I had experienced a neck/head injury after an intense workout, resulting in my collapsing

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain I knew I was out of my body, and my wife was next to me, but that was the extent. I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal More aware, connected to everything around me and felt as if I was a single perspective of a wholly unlimited multi-dimensional tapestry of consciousness.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? It was during my blackout that I felt the most clarity of thought that I had ever felt. It lingered when I returned to my senses, but I felt limited by my own body after that experience. Meditation helps me to remember that feeling and sense of connectedness though.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Time had no meaning. I am no longer afraid of being an immortal spirit as I understand that time is a very clever illusion.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I did not need vision more than just sensing what was around me, as is it was happening all at once.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Same as the vision, I heard a voice but it was more felt than heard, a deeper sense that is hard to describe.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm I felt at 'home' but was not in a physical place. It was as if the laws of time, space, place, and materials were suspended and everything was simply a whole conscious experience that is limited through our reductive senses as humans.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Unpleasant and the worse pain I have ever felt before I collapsed, absolute clarity during, and lingering clarity after. I also felt very frustrated that it was dismissed as a panic attack and that I could not get in to see a doctor for weeks/months after going to the ER.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I felt that everything is connected, leading me toward a more pantheistic/animistic view of our place in the universe.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Catholic But I had been moving away from it for a while. I discovered Druidry and have embraced its flexibility and way of building connections

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I went from a practicing but lapsing Catholic to embracing Druidry as a way of making meaning of the world around me. I view Druidry as more of a philosophical way of living life and making connections. I still celebrate major holidays though and will sometimes go to Mass if I visit family, it is just no longer a home for me in any church/temple/shrine I have visited. I find more meaning in life with a walk through the woods or hearing my daughter laugh, or helping a stranger in need.

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Secular unaffiliated I practice Druidry now, but certainly not religiously. I now read everything from the Dalai Lama, Dawkins, Brian Greene, and other books related to our universe, nature, and spirituality. I also practice mindfulness meditation to connect to the universe and nature around me.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I don't feel that there is any wrong or right way to believe, but if you are able to make meaningful connections in this life and treat others with respect then that is better than a strict dogmatic code.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Less dogmatic, have essentially left Catholicism, and strive to make connections with people and not institutions. I also have deleted nearly all social media and cut the cable to help me do so. A little funny as I studied virtual social networks as my dissertation.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I heard a voice telling me everything was going to be alright, that this was just a small part of my life, and that I just needed to relax. It came at me without sound, but more of a telepathic communication that was instantaneous. as if the past and future no longer existed. It reminded me of one of those stereotypical hippies on TV like Cheech and Chong, but more loving, more knowing, and actually full of peace and love. I also took it to mean that I needed to chill out in my own life afterward and changed many things about my life from diet, exercise, and spiritual practices.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I was very aware that I was a small piece of an infinite whole and that everything is connected. I've delved more recently into studies answering the bigger question of consciousness, but do not agree that it is a result simply of materialistic physics/biology, but our biological bodies serve as a temporary home for whatever we really are.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Uncertain I don't know as I don't think I actually dies, but I know we are all connected in the eternal present.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life I am an academic and researcher at a large university. Since embracing who I feel I am supposed to be in this life, I have felt more connected, more meaningful, and more willing to help others than before. I have gotten rid of a lot of negative self-talk, explored more spiritual paths, explored psychology and physics, and engage more with my community and help those in it.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes More connected with people and I now shy away from any strong dogmas or institutions

After the NDE:

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. It is the clearest memory that I have ever and still have, bar none.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes Much more vivid and lucid dreams. It comes at the expense of some continued headaches and insomnia though.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The feeling of connectedness was the most significant.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it with my therapist who was using CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help with my insomnia issues, and with my sister. They were both very supportive shared some of their own experiences (my sister) and books to read on understanding the mind and near death experiences (my therapist). I have not told my wife about it, but I don't feel I need to. It was a very traumatic event for her and she still is worried about my overall health. We do communicate about everything else in our lives though and made a trust/will for our daughter shortly after. She is Shinto/Buddhist though and had more belief in an afterlife than I had before this event.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It seems just as real 2 and half year later as it did when it happened

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I have had very vivid and lucid/out of body dreams during times of mental stress, and two dreams in particular I will always remember as I was shown it is my purpose in life to enjoy this journey and love those around me.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I had not heard about NDEs before this event and it took me about a year after the experience to learn about them and what they are. I did not tell the ER of my primary/specialist doc as I thought they might thing I was crazy. It took another year and some therapy to put the experience to words.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I think that there is certainly a trend toward more religious experiences with traditional western paradigms of religious thought. Which is fine, but I do enjoy the non-western and non-religious experiences a bit more.