Maureen K NDE

Experience Description

Defying Reason, Odds and Gravity

I Said A Prayer: My Awakening from Deep Sleep

As a disclaimer, please do not attempt to recreate my experience. My encounter with the Divine is as unique to me as I AM an individual expression of God; yet every person or being has access to God. No one is ever separate from God as Source. I would never espouse nor suggest that any person harm themselves or others in any way, shape, or form to visit with God and Angels. Please do not start, discontinue, or change the dose of any medication you may be taking without seeking the guidance of a medically trained, certified, or licensed health professional. If you are feeling anxious, depressed, suicidal, hopeless, or lost, please call 911 or seek professional help immediately.

I share my story with heartfelt hope that it may inspire others who wonder and seek to know if God exists. I surely have my answer. After reading my encounter, perhaps so will you.

I share my history while assigning no blame to anyone about whom I write. I was unaware when I experienced death, that there were many issues and patterns that wreaked havoc on me that I would learn to address and heal with help over time.

Some ten years later I was guided to understand that there were some serious mental and physical illnesses involved that severely impacted me that were not diagnosed nor considered by mental health and health professionals. Clinical depression, lethargy, weight gain, cold sensitivity, infertility, and mood swings are primary side effects of celiac sprue which is a serious autoimmune disorder that I was unaware that I had inherited. Lactose intolerance, skin issues, and other food allergies also accompany celiac sprue. I had those as well.

I also learned that my dominant parent likely had undiagnosed and untreated borderline personality disorder. Such extreme and erratic behaviors had a known cause and etymology.

I realized and came to accept that no attempts to be or appear perfect would ever have been enough to feed the beast that is borderline personality disorder. I had expended copious energy twisting myself into a pretzel or morphing to whatever mood prevailed for no reason. No behavior of mine was the root or cause of severe imbalance that overshadowed everything and everyone in my world.

Growing up, an overly dominant parent controlled everything we thought, felt and did. If I said something as simple as a greeting, my tone or expression was often questioned or derided. There was no space to exist as separate individuals with feelings, thoughts, or choices of our own.

We spent considerable time and energy trying to assuage the rage that would erupt without provocation. We attempted to predict and prevent fallout from mercurial mood swings. We walked on eggshells to deal with a volatile Jekyll and an unpredictable Hyde. This was the person in charge of our lives. We lived with someone who made Eeyore the grey donkey from the Winnie the Pooh stories by author AA Milne look slap happy.

In that intense reactive energy and stifling environment, I did not learn to identify or express feelings and emotions. I was not able to carve out my own sense of self. Having feelings was actively discouraged. Expressing them was darn near forbidden.

Only one person in the family mattered. The others were there to meet his needs. He was the only one who expressed feelings, made decisions, or set rules or enforced discipline. He wielded absolute control that was inconsistent, manipulative, and mocking. When provoked, he could become cruel or dangerous.

To my detriment, as a child, I mirrored the beliefs and behaviors of the dominant parent to appease him so that I bore less of his wrath, ridicule, or disdain. I always sensed something was wrong, but I was repeatedly told that I was too smart or sensitive. I was crazy for not agreeing with them. I am the only person in my family who had ever confronted him directly about his erratic crazed behavior. He never spoke of the incident and never sought help nor treatment. He never changed until after he transitioned through physical death.

I was encouraged to ignore or deny severe dysfunction. I blamed myself for adopting his ways for years unaware that I had real medical issues and psychological symptoms that were treatable and manageable. I had a chance if I was properly diagnosed and treated.

I learned to hide if I did not know how to proceed. I hid often fearing that my deficiency would be exposed or mocked. I often went through the motions hoping that someone else near me knew how to function just as my dominant parent had seemed to have done.

Later as I grew older, underneath my well-educated articulate façade, I felt like a fraud. I often deferred or gave my power to others who I thought were somehow better or knew what was best for me. I also waited for external circumstances to make decisions for me. Life was something to be survived or endured.

I tried to project that I was okay, but I always felt as though I was failing. When I could no longer hide that I was failing, I flailed. I often vented angst and frustration loudly as my dominant parent had done and modeled before me. I recognized something was off when I did and I felt remorse.

I was instructed to treat feelings and relationships as unimportant and irrelevant. Other things mattered more than relationships. Control or be controlled was the only relationship model I had known and absorbed. Nothing else. I struggled to navigate and control destructive and later self-destructive impulses and reactions.

Somehow, I managed to attract an affable highly skilled husband who initially functioned well for both of us. He seemed to be adept handling most things and he never seemed to mind when I asked him for assistance or so it appeared at the time. He and I both reinforced and affirmed that something was missing in me. He was better than me and he thrived while I floundered or hid.

We grappled for control. I struggled to make sense of symptoms I was experiencing so we struggled as a couple. I had learned to expect and always get the worst. I was negative. I was lost. Nothing was ever good enough for me. I was under functioning and incomplete.

Having positive feelings was not in my wheelhouse. I had absorbed and expanded negative cues that I witnessed. Happy people were either foolish or pretending. I was trained to expect the worst and batten down the hatches when the worst invariably arrived. People had to agree with me, for me to feel secure.

I longed for a magical clean slate so that I could somehow start fresh so my husband would have a healthy equal partner.

At my urging, we each sought help and attended individual counseling sessions with the same psychologist. I was being treated for clinical depression and my husband was being treated for trauma from childhood sexual abuse and aftereffects of having a learning disorder known as dysgraphia.

I was prescribed and took Zoloft, a serotonin uptake re-inhibitor or SSRI daily. The symptoms of depression that I was feeling were moderate, yet I was under functioning. I never felt symptom free or significant improvement taking Zoloft.

I always struggled with making decisions because I expected the worst to happen. After a time, I forfeited or stopped making decisions. I felt stuck or frustrated with myself most of the time. I felt misunderstood, judged, and blamed by everyone who knew me, especially myself.

That elusive clean slate I sought arrived in the form of an employment opportunity that my husband of ten years accepted. He took a new job across the country.

I had been released from a consulting project early without cause or notice so I was not working when he moved to the opposite coast. He moved in advance of me. I had been planning to move to join him in a few months’ time, so I was preparing and packing for my eventual move. He was the primary earner working full time and thriving as a technology executive while I worked on sporadic consulting projects.

Three months into his new job, my husband called me to request a divorce by phone.

He wanted out ASAP. I had since come to understand that is a common reaction for men. Once men have decided that they are done with a person or situation, they have no need for closure. Leaving became a matter of fact transaction devoid of emotion or feelings for him.

As a result, he stopped paying bills and expenses for the apartment we had rented where I resided. He insisted that I request nothing from the marriage and that I retain an attorney so that he could be free within a few months.

In his haste, he apparently had not researched divorce law in the state in which I resided because divorce was a mandated two-year plus process. A panel of attorneys reviewed the records from our marriage and rendered suggestions for settlements that judges would inevitably approve. It was a lengthy process whose steps could not be bypassed. I had not set the timelines for the proceedings. The state had. My husband hired an attorney to represent him before I had retained one.

I did nothing unreasonable to impede or slow the divorce process. Nothing. In fact, I wasted money on a retainer for an attorney who did nothing on my case. I had to fire her after several months’ inaction and hire another more costly attorney to represent me. We worked toward getting some reasonable settlement from which I could start a new life chapter.

My husband was so eager to divorce quickly that he never returned to collect his remaining things. He asked me to pack and label his belongings and sent his former coworker and friend to collect them to ship them to him cross country which I and my Mom did in good faith.

I felt blamed and shamed because I requested a financial settlement and I sought to keep a ten-year-old compact car that we had purchased used so that I had reliable transportation. I lived in suburbs that had limited access to mass transit.

Things devolved quickly and I was feeling much too vulnerable to negotiate on my behalf. As he moved on and began a new life, I felt discarded. I had trouble accepting how little regard he had for me in this divorce chapter. He had changed completely. I no longer trusted him to be honorable or to treat me with consideration or respect. He treated me with contempt.

I was clearly in his way and he resented me. He desperately needed me to be gone from his life. He threatened that if I requested any financial settlement, I would never see or speak to him or his family ever again. I proceeded to seek a financial settlement because I needed help to rebuild. Doing so was in my best interest. He did not agree and objected vehemently.

In five years, we had never attended a therapy session together. We had never gone to couples or marriage counseling to address our issues together.

I felt cheated out of an opportunity to make changes and I felt thoroughly betrayed by the psychologist who had been treating us individually. The psychologist we were seeing individually was actively helping my husband plan his exit strategy. Neither of them thought it important to share that information with me.

In five years treating me, the psychologist never considered that the symptoms I was exhibiting had a biological or psychological cause. He missed that my behavioral symptoms stemmed from trauma of being a child of a parent with borderline personality disorder. He dropped the ball big time and did me a true disservice because I blamed myself for issues that had real symptoms and more importantly, treatments.

If I had been down earlier, the divorce dialed in sent me into a tailspin. Debilitating despair and sheer panic descended upon me. Any coping skills I may have developed and progress I had made crumbled. Waves of fear and loops of anxiety consumed me. I felt as though I was slogging through mud in a daze.

As I did not know whom or what to trust any longer, I stopped attending therapy sessions with the psychologist. I also stopped taking my antidepressant medication as it was not alleviating or improving any of my symptoms. It never had.

Through Divine Intervention, I was able to interview in person and land a consulting project at a renowned professional sports organization which was only ten minutes’ drive from my apartment. My assignment was scheduled to last several months. In order to function on this job, I was sleeping thirteen hours per day. I stopped preparing or cooking food as that time interfered with my sleep. I needed time to sleep in order to drag myself out of bed to work.

I arrived at the job on time and was presentable enough, but I was skittish and anxious. Having to learn how to use a new e-mail system became my eventual undoing. I panicked so much that I could not steady my shaking hands enough to type on the keyboard. I was not digesting or processing new information well. My new employer noticed my shaking hands and opted to terminate my contract early without notice.

I was home alone feeling defeated. I was blaming and doubting myself for everything I had ever said or done to the point of berating and bemoaning myself as an utter failure. I felt worthless, helpless, vulnerable, and starkly alone without real resources or effective help.

I was accused of self-sabotage or manipulation by my husband whenever he called. He reminded me often that he would not assist me in any way. He wanted out as quickly as possible. He was moving on without me and wanted no ties to me. It was sink or swim and I was sinking. I was told that if I could not keep a job, I could apply for welfare benefits and move to my parents. Any time he called, he reminded me that I was their problem now. Not his!

What little identity I had revolved around my being married. Staying married was the norm that I thought I would live as well. Divorce was never on my radar as we had discussed starting fresh in a new location that would provide distance from our issues and a magical clean slate.

Everything appeared bleak. My visible failures were mounting as was my anxiety. I tormented myself unmercifully. I cycled among bouts of self-loathing, self-recrimination and regret. I devolved into despondency and desperation.

I would be exposed as being useless and worthless with little recourse or reply. I had no answers or ideas of how to proceed or what to do on my own.

I was spending too much time alone in my apartment. I had been interested in Angels and reading books about them a few years earlier. I was spinning too much to sit and read books. I had attended a conference on Energy Medicine a few years earlier. When I heard an internal message that I was to let my husband go; I panicked and left the conference early. I did not know how to let him go at the time and the notion of doing so terrified me. I sensed that I would let him go eventually when I was more solidly established in my own life.

I recalled reading about Unity Church in a Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh book.

I decided to attend a local Unity church in Teaneck just to be among people. God bless those congregants who practiced what they preached. They welcomed me in all of my brokenness. I usually sat in the back row where I softly cried.

This was a tiny Christian metaphysical community church that held its services in a renovated brick house. Its seating capacity was no more than 80 seats. So, me crying softly in the back row must have been distracting for them. So many of the people there were friendly and had loving hearts.

Others were not so great. Some of the men there saw and sensed my vulnerability as I was in the divorce process. I was a new face that became a prospective conquest to them. All did not always bode well there for me. I made mistakes and allowed people to bully or control me when I was feeling lost. When I wised up and realized that I deserved better treatment, consideration, and respect, I walked away from people who were playing games. I am so glad that I did. I am not proud of some of the ways I allowed myself to be treated but I learned. When I knew better, I did better. I left these men.

Sensing my increasing struggle, my parents kindly offered to send me on a retreat weekend that another Unity church in the area was hosting. Their offer was very kind and generous. I chose to accept their offer and attend this spiritual retreat.

I had recently participated in two counseling type sessions with a Unity of Montclair minister who was running and hosting this Healing retreat. Her basic advice to me was to trust that Jesus would help me. Her focus was on me eventually attracting a big job and a new relationship. She shared that I had nothing to be concerned about because I was beautiful and I would find someone else.

Even in my anxious altered state, I recognized this information to be misguided. I was not seeking easy feel good dating answers, I was seeking real help and spiritual guidance. Her focus on attaining a desired lifestyle and her owning a new Volvo should have been my red flag to run from her office and church. There is nothing wrong with owning lovely things and enjoying them but I was just not in that place. I needed immediate tangible help.

I was incredibly unnerved when that same minister from Montclair Unity who had advised me in private sessions pointed me out to someone else while on retreat. Her gossipy actions were blatant, obvious, and showed a lack of discretion and maturity. She surely was not honoring God in herself or in me.

Despite my feeling awkward and uncomfortable with the Montclair Unity minister’s breach of conduct, I decided to stay anyway as I might learn something and meet new people. Her petty, inappropriate, and unprofessional conduct would not spoil my retreat experience. I never returned to that Unity of Montclair church while she was the minister.

I attended the other smaller local Unity Church of Christ in Teaneck. Unity Church’s approach to God was gentler and God was much more approachable and present. This approach resonated with me and spoke to my Heart in ways that the other religion in which I was raised had not. I had attended Mass through my second year of college but when I could no longer reconcile its tenets and teachings with what my Heart told me, I decided to leave. My decision to go it alone without an active God presence in my life was momentous in ways I would hardly begin to imagine.

At this Montclair Unity sponsored retreat, I participated in a private therapy session where I cried so much that I dowsed a full-size beach towel with my tears. My session lasted four hours and I cried the entire time. The compassionate extremely patient counselor was a volunteer. She was a PhD scientist who was studying energy healing so she offered sessions toward the close of this retreat. She suggested that I consider seeing a licensed spiritual therapist to start to help me rebuild my life. She kindly recommended someone she knew in my area.

My parents kindly helped me pay for sessions for me to talk with this clinical social worker who agreed to reduce her fees. They knew I needed more support in the form of professional help.

Assigning no blame, I was not taught to feel positive, optimistic or hopeful. I was trained that if I did not prepare for a rainy day that I was foolish and naïve. I was told that people were not often happy, and people were just struggling silently to survive. It was silly to have dreams or to expect success. Other people somehow magically achieved. I always knew that I had missed learning the secret if there was one to learn.

The truth is that my brain, body, and soul was not able to feel or generate hope. My emotions and chemicals needed balancing, but I did not easily trust those in the helping professions to accurately diagnose me or prescribe medication that would alleviate or lessen my symptoms. No one had.

In utter inner turmoil, I added God to my list of those that must also blame me because He saw and knew all that I had done and said that harmed me and others. God also knew that I was pretending and then failing time after time after time. I was to blame for the mess I had created and my dysregulated behavior which had a real physical, biological, and medical origin and eventual remedy.

99I believed that I was unable to fix my life and that I was profoundly unworthy of being afforded second chances. Seeking forgiveness even from myself was folly.

I felt and saw no way out of this downward spiral. I did not know how to fix my mounting failures. I desperately sought that elusive blank slate upon which I could rewrite my crumbling life narrative.

In a muddled irrational turmoiled inner frenzy, I somehow looped God into the swirl of emotions and anxiety that I was experiencing. I then concluded that if I could just magically erase my mistakes, shadows, and stop my inner spinning, I somehow would be worthy of being forgiven and cleared by God. I thought that I might have a chance at being redeemed at least by God’s love if I was somehow free of what I had done or caused.

Maybe if I could just sleep for a long while, somehow, I could find the inner quiet and clearing I sought.

My Exit

On the day prior to Valentine’s Day, I felt consumed by sadness. I sat hugging a large PC monitor that transmitted e-mail messages from my husband while I cried. Somehow, I decided it was best that I skip Valentine’s Day so that I would feel less sad.

Sleep has always provided me with some solace. Perhaps my chemically imbalanced body and brain would be quieted, and I would feel free from my thoughts, emotions, and anxiety. Maybe sleep would provide me with relief and release I craved.

So, armed with a hazy, irrational, implausible new plan, I set out to sleep past Valentine’s Day and perhaps hibernate for the winter like bears do.So, I hopped in my still contested compact car, and drove to the nearest Costco Warehouse where I purchased ten boxes of generic sleeping pills that each contained 100 pills. I often wonder how oblivious that cashier had to be to not question someone’s purchase of 1,000 sleeping pills. I will never know. I digress.

I returned to my lonely apartment that had become an albatross and symbol of impending doom and inevitable forfeiture. It did not help that the apartment looked exactly as it had when my husband departed for his new job. It took many months for me to stop expecting him to walk in from another room or walk through the front door. Those reminders haunted me.

I collected the prescription antidepressant Zoloft that I had not been taking for months. I removed the sleeping pills from their foil pods, and I emptied the prescription bottles. I pulverized 1,300 pills into a powder in a blender. I added the pill powder to the pudding and blended them.

I did not know how much it would take to erase the blame I felt for my mistakes which felt massive. I also did not know how long I wanted to sleep; I just wanted to bypass Valentine’s Day so I combined medicines to sleep and then finally not spin.

In my imbalanced altered state of mind, I believed that when I awoke, I would somehow be free and clear of damage I had caused, and I would have sailed past Valentine’s Day. I guess I thought that I would magically start over after I had slept.

I called my Mom to tell her that I needed to sleep and that I loved her.

I then ate the pudding that contained the powder from the 1,300 pills. I believe that I may have been gagging or regurgitating some of the pudding toward the end.

The sun had just set both literally and figuratively on a cold Tuesday winter evening in February.

I remember that I sat on a futon sofa in my office waiting for sleep. It was not long before the sleeping pills began working. When I attempted to stand, the floor and the walls were now flipping and rolling with wild abandon.

In my first lucid clear-headed moment in months, I realized that all of me – not just the parts I wanted cleared from blame - was dying – rather than sleeping through a dreaded holiday. I went to look for the handheld phone I had used to call my Mom earlier, but I could not find the phone to dial 911.

As I was quickly fading, I spoke aloud to God telling God that all of me was dying.

I said a prayer.

I do not remember what I prayed that night, but I do have a total recall of how God responded.

As I spoke to God, I heard a booming Male voice command me:

'You have two minutes to live. Get out of that apartment now or you will die there!'

I thanked the booming Male voice from my heart. I recall that the booming Male voice was firm but not angry nor blaming nor judging me. He needed to command my attention which He did.

The walls and floor were now spinning and rolling so much that I could not find secure footing to stand or walk. I crawled on my hands and knees across the carpeted floor, opened my front door, and crawled across the carpet in the hallway toward my neighbor’s apartment door. I believe I forced myself to stand long enough to knock on her door.

As my neighbor opened her door, she was talking on a handheld phone. I asked her firmly to please call 911 for me because I was dying. I told her I could not locate my phone to call. When she looked at me and realized that I was serious, I believe she kindly led me to a sofa where I sat waiting for EMTs to arrive. I believe that she handed me a cardboard box as I was likely vomiting. I do not recall speaking with her nor vomiting.

I do recall EMTs arriving on the scene quickly. I remember them asking me what I ingested, and I told them that I had taken 1,300 pills to sleep. I believe they also asked me to which hospital I preferred transport. I uttered the name of a prominent suburban hospital that had the strongest reputation in the area.

As I responded, I heard the tone of alarm in their voices as the Male EMT was insisting that I get to a pump as soon as possible. I sensed how urgently they were preparing to get me onto a stretcher and out the doors in the direction of the nearest pump.

The Male EMT reassured me that they would try to save me if they could get me to a pump. I groggily told him that it would be okay. I told him it was not on him if I could not get to a pump in time. I had prayed and God spoke to me. I can only imagine what he was thinking when I was telling him that I had heard God speak to me.

The Female EMT was hurriedly asking my neighbor questions and requested permission to enter my apartment which I groggily granted. I believe the EMT was looking for pill bottles and remnants of the boxes to determine what specifically I ingested and my emergency contact information.

My neighbor was discussing my divorce, my fifty-pound weight loss, and not recognizing me with the Female EMT. My neighbor and I had not seen each other or crossed paths in months. My neighbor was amazed that she was at home to make the 911 call and assist me because she always worked on Tuesday nights.

The EMTs were loudly debating which hospital was closer as they lay me on a stretcher that was positioned near the front door of my neighbor’s apartment which was open. I heard closest and pump shouted repeatedly and hurriedly amongst them. The EMTs may have been contacting the hospital’s emergency room or contacting the police advising them of my condition and their destination.

'She won’t live if we don’t get her to a pump now' were the last earthly words I heard the Male EMT announce on that fateful night. I have no memory of being wheeled on a stretcher and lifted down two flights of stairs from my neighbor’s apartment to an awaiting ambulance which was bound for the nearest hospital and stomach pump.

I was later told that the police notified my parents to alert them that I had attempted suicide by overdosing. My shocked parents rushed to the hospital in a panic. That had to be an awful phone call to receive and a long sad drive for them. No parent willingly wants to watch their child struggle or suffer.

My parents arrived one hour later and were told that I was alive, not conscious, and that they were working on me. The emergency doctor offered them no assurances and made no predictions regarding my survival nor prognosis.

It was many hours before they could see me. When my parents could visit with me, I was intubated, and my mouth and face were stained black from charcoal. I was not conscious.

I have absolutely no memory of leaving my neighbor’s apartment, being transported by ambulance, and ever being treated in the hospital’s Emergency Department.

My Visit with God and Angels

I prayerfully requested Guidance and inspiration to recall and recount my journey to the Other Side to share with you now.

Words pale in comparison to the experience but I will do my best to tell my story of my journey to the Other Side.

I humbly leave descriptions of what I beheld in awe to artists to visualize or create imagery. The artist Daniel Holeman seems to depict images similar to what I saw and experienced in Heaven.

Sensing the rapture that beautiful music evokes as waves is the nearest I may come to describing how breathtaking God appears and how melodiously God resonates.

___________________________________

Everything around me was light and ethereal and warm and alive.

Light was clearer and brighter than I had ever seen.

Colors were beyond vibrant.

I felt no fear. I felt no pain. I felt no judgment. I felt no blame. I felt no shame.

I felt no fear here!

Profound Love and Peace permeated every being everywhere.

What I know to be the energy of Angels greeted me with the tenderest warmest energy.

I felt embraced by them. They morphed into billowy forms and surrounded me.

Their hearts glowed radiating and pulsing with light of vibrant colors.

From my heart which glowed dimly as well, I could sense, feel, and hear telepathically.

I sent an energy wave from my Higher Heart to the heart of the energy of the angels.

They sensed I had a question for them. I sensed it was okay for me to send them my questions.

From my glowing heart waves, I asked them if what I was experiencing was real.

The angels responded telepathically that their realm was real.

I then asked them if I was there with them if that meant that I was dead. They responded telepathically that my body died so my soul or Higher Heart was visiting them.

For the first time since I arrived, I felt fear, like I had known in the earthly realm, form within my Higher Heart.

They responded to my fear instantly by dissolving it for me. I felt embraced by their energy.

I sensed that legions of energy beings with the most subtle presence were sending me comfort.

I felt no physical pain here despite my having swallowed 1,300 pills.

Angels then explained to me telepathically that they would be accompanying me to a triage area where my Higher Heart could better acclimate to my body being dead.

They shared that people who passed suddenly or who experienced trauma with their passing went to triage.

Apparently, mine was a violent jolt of a passing.

Angels wrapped me in the warmest softest blankets that defy human description. I settled and lay wrapped in these blankets.

I then rested listening to the gentle lovely music of the spheres. I only recall being surrounded by Angels who were tending to me. They were focused and worked precisely and silently.

They reassured me telepathically that all was well. They worked to balance my energy in my light body to start to heal my Higher Heart and soul. I did not sense other souls with me in this triage room. I had this gentle place all to myself.

As they worked, I felt safe once again. I would say that I laid there as they floated; yet floating does not feel entirely accurate.

The Angels knew and sensed what I needed.

There was no need for me to send them messages or waves. When I formulated a thought, they heard me.

Their energy was always present with me. I rested lying quietly sensing that I was never alone which comforted me immensely. I trusted them. I loved them. Their movements were graceful and their intent always benevolent toward my Highest Good.

When the Angel energies that balanced my light body finished their work, they gently departed.

I lay peacefully surrounded by blankets as celestial music filled all of my senses. There was no device, stereo, or instrument present upon which to play music. Or at least one was not visible.

Yet I knew that the music was arriving in waves that were other worldly in origin.

I sensed that the Angels’ energy would return to guide me.

Time and space that exist in the human realm did not exist in this Angel energy space.

I had no earthly idea or indicator of how much time passed. I received more love, grace, peace and unconditional acceptance telepathically than words can ever begin to convey.

It seemed as though every part of my energy was being restored and renewed. I was starting to understand on more levels.

As I began to accept my earthly body’s passing, waves of warmth and comfort embraced me.

There was no work to be done.

I rested as music and light swirled in and around me. The waves of music danced through me.

A different group of angels then came to guide me to the next phase on my journey.

I sent thanks telepathically to the triage angels who had helped me.

For want of a better phrase, we floated as our energy flowed to another space.

The energy that appeared as cloud-like forms were more angels. They were not healers or triage nurses as the angels who greeted me had been.

These angels felt as though they had a different vibration. They likely served a different purpose which I would soon discover.

These Angels requested that I observe and notice. I sensed that this was a space where no earthly judgment exists. Just discernment.

They advised me that it was vital that I understand or absorb this concept before I proceeded.

They assured and reassured me that all was well.

Then I was asked to practice to send fear or judgment to something or someone. I did so.

I watched them radiate energy from their glowing hearts to the fear and judgment I created.

That fear and judgment that I had sent dissolved in an instant before my eyes.

No denser energy or light could exist in me as my light body.

They asked me to observe that the light in my Higher Heart had become somewhat brighter.

It was no longer as faint or dim as it had been when I arrived at triage.

I thanked them telepathically for teaching me these light lessons.

I sensed that it was important that I grasp and apply this skill as thoroughly as I was able so that I could flow through and complete this next phase with ease and grace.

I start to feel and sense images as vibrations as they appeared before me. I asked the angels that were accompanying me telepathically if this was a life review. They responded that this was indeed my life review.

They gently advised me to feel love in my heart space. I then watched images of me flash before me.

I braced as I expected the worst scenarios and images of me to appear.

I telepathically thanked the energy of Angels when the images stopped appearing.

I sensed that I had created denser energies in my human form; yet the images did not unnerve me.

They concerned me.

I wondered what happens in this space of love and light to the images I had created.

Nothing could ever prepare me for the next phase that began to emerge!

A robe of light began forming and clothing me. All of the energy as Angels began donning similar light robes.

We could see our Higher Hearts as lights that glowed and beamed through our light robes.

Our light robes were white that was imbued with the softest palest pastel colors. They held a hint of shimmering color.

I believe that the pale color that appeared as an overlay of light on the robes indicated what our ray or role was.

Our hues and vibrations varied depending on our ray or role that we chose to assume there.

Our Higher Hearts shined in every vibrant color of the rainbow. The light glowing within my Higher Heart had intensified yet was dimmer than the Angels light which glowed immensely and was intensely bright and vibrant.

We proceeded as the Angels guided me to another space that was vast.

A crystal temple of light that shone more radiant than the sun began to appear before me and the Angels.

It radiated even purer energy and light. It sparkled and glittered.

I bowed my head to avert my eyes because the light was that magnificent.

When I looked up, I saw the tallest brightest luminous Angels who had formed a semi-circle in front of me.

From their circle of love and light they each beamed light and spoke telepathically to my Higher Heart.

They asked me to raise my partially bowed head so that they may address me.

As I hesitated to fix my gaze upon them, they reminded me that this was a space where I was welcome and loved completely.

They asked me to feel and breathe in the love that they were sending to me.

It took immense courage for me to behold them. I was so in awe of their beauty and brilliance.

The members of this council of Light beamed more love from their hearts to me.

They telepathically asked me just one question and looped light from their Hearts to mine as they did so.

They asked me, did you create joy during your life on earth?

I once again bowed my head.

I responded with a resounding No! that came from my Higher Heart. I had not ever created joy while I was alive. Not one bit. .

I thought to myself that I knew how to spell the word joy. That was as close as I would have come to joy.

It was not an emotion that I felt so it was not important to me. I never gave joy a thought.

I grasped the concept of joy but I do not think that I ever experienced joy firsthand.

Would I even recognize joy if it shook my hand and introduced itself to me? I wondered.

They enjoyed the internal dialogue I was creating.

I knew what laughter was, at least, I thought to myself.

I sensed not to judge or take myself too seriously.

I had watched as judgment stopped the flow of energy and light and made the vibration denser in the life review phase of my visit.

So, I chose to keep things as light as possible.

My closest associations with Joy were an almond candy bar or a dish soap.

I appreciated that they enjoyed injecting some levity in my inner musings to form a response.

Their question had stumped me for an instant. It was so simple, yet profound.

They radiated and sent pure love to my Higher Heart. The pure love they sent my way instantly dissolved the shame and blame that was forming in my Higher Heart toward the choices I made in my life.

They thanked me telepathically and explained that all of my choices were honored.

They asked me to lift my eyes and hold my head high.

They affirmed that I was loved by God as they sent waves of pure love toward me.

I did as they knowingly requested and lifted my head slowly to view them. This luminous council of Angels radiated pure love that filled my entire being.

They asked me telepathically if I loved God. I responded that I did love God. I did not hesitate for an instant when I responded.

I counted that there were 12 energies as Angels on this radiant council.

They assured me that I would come to accept, become, and share pure love as they had.

I was worthy to receive and express radiant God love.

I telepathically thanked the Council and God radiating love and gratitude to them from my Higher Heart.

I beamed at the very notion that I may learn to create joy on Earth in my way in my life.

The energy as Angels that had escorted me to this temple of radiant light emerged and joined me.

We gently moved back from the awesome Council of radiant Light.

As we travelled, these angels ever so gently reminded me to observe what was absent from this space.

I watched as any energy of fear, blame, and doubt dissipated and dissolved instantly in this pure love vibration that existed everywhere.

The angels informed me that a question was forming around me in my Higher Heart.

They telepathically explained that I was faced with a choice that only I could make from within my Higher Heart.

They asked me, would I remain with them in this expanded Higher Heart energy or would I return to my earthly form?

They explained that I had agreed to terms of a Higher Heart contract that my soul had agreed to complete before I was born. We all made these agreements whether we are conscious of doing so or not.

Because God honors all choices and we reside on a planet that has free will, I had unconsciously chosen to terminate my contract years earlier than I had agreed before birth. I may have had many years on Earth that remain on my Higher Heart contract.

They explained that because I had shorted my agreement by exiting earlier than was contracted before birth, I would be able to observe everything that would have occurred during my earth life had I chosen to live to fulfill my original contract, but I would be unable to assist or intervene in any way shape or form. I would, in essence, be frozen and unable to act until the time that I reached the age of my original contract.

At that time of my agreed upon time of transition or death, I would be able to proceed freely.

Please understand that God honors all of our choices. This was a soul contract whose terms were being honored for my Highest Good toward the Highest Good of All. No limitation or punishment was ever intended, implied or enacted ever.

I felt love throughout my entire being as the Angels explained the terms of my soul agreement to me. I experienced no judgment or blame or punishment whatsoever in this expanded energy. Only love exists there if we choose to consciously connect to our source of light, energy, and vibration.

As I absorbed this information, I sensed and felt that my early shocking passing would cause my Earth parents considerable hurt and pain beyond what I would ever have imagined or intended for them. With them in my mind and heart, I consciously chose to leave a space of pure radiating Love and endless Peace to return to Earth, whose energy was much denser at the time.

The angels explained to me that my body would not experience symptoms from my overdose, my sadness would dissolve over time, and my anxiety would heal over time.

If that was not enough, they added that I would help to eliminate depression through my ancestral lines so that we were all released from its grip and struggles.

Depression and substance abuse were rampant in my extended families. So much so that my Dad always reminded me to be aware and to monitor my activity. Drinking and then drugging were a part of my history and likely DNA. He kindly urged me to be vigilant and find my own balance.

He was never judging anyone we knew who was struggling; he was advising me not to follow that destructive path. My Dad and Mom both helped several family members and friends when they were in trouble.

I had always remembered and heeded that advice from him. I thank him for his concern for my well-being and for sharing information that still guides me.

They also explained that spiritual gifts that were dormant in me would now be activated. Upon my return, I would serve God and be guided.

They reminded me that they loved me as God did and gave me an energy embrace.

In my entire being, I sensed that I would now always remember my connection to the love and light of God.

I thanked them telepathically for their love and felt energy hugs from them once again.

In the same instant as I chose to return to Earth to honor my original pre-birth agreement, I found myself before the Council.

God in radiant light was now at the center of the semicircle with the same Council of Light.

There are no human words that could ever express or begin to capture the essence of God as love and light.

Perhaps, endless energy expansion?

So, I stood before them telepathically thanking them for welcoming me to their vibrant Council once again. I felt honored to stand before them as I felt more worthy to be with them.

God lovingly and firmly asked me if I would be of service. I responded that I would be of service with my whole Heart. I affirmed that I would love and serve God always and all ways.

I felt and sensed God and the surrounding Council rejoicing as I responded from pure love.

I asked them telepathically if I could create what I was experiencing there for myself on Earth. That was all that I chose. To feel that vibrant sense of pervasive peace within me was my soul request.

I telepathically thanked God, the Angels, and my Higher Heart self for hosting me on this visit and activating spiritual gifts within me. I had no idea what doing so meant at the time.

I told and told people that I returned awake and aware of my conscious connection but I did not arrive equipped with an instruction manual or roadmap.

I was grateful to have an active connection yet my learning process was gradual. I would encounter many obstacles along my path.

I would now have a chance to consciously create subtle joy in my own way on Earth. I would start to own my power and find and express my voice over time.

I have never felt separate or disconnected from God as my infinite source of Love since my visit.

In an instant, I returned to Earth conscious of my connection to God as my ‘I AM presence’ was activated.

My mission became to experience what I had felt in Heaven here on Earth. I chose that for myself more than anything else.

My Return

I awoke laying in a hospital bed in the Intensive Care Unit at St. Mary’s Hospital feeling groggy, weak and sore. It took me a few minutes to realize where I was and what was happening. I attempted to speak but was unable to do so as I was intubated.

Two days had passed since I had been treated in the Emergency Department, and I would spend two days in the ICU, and three days in the Psych ward.

I was admitted on Tuesday evening and awoke on Thursday evening. I had bypassed Valentine’s Day, shocked and hurt my parents, visited with God and Angels, agreed to serve God, and was rebirthed and returned in three days.

I was told that the Emergency Room doctors, nurses, and staff worked on me for nine hours. My stomach was pumped for nine hours. I was intubated and received massive doses of charcoal intravenously to clear my entire system of the toxins from the 1,300 pills I had ingested.

A kind nurse greeted me as I awoke. I was unable to speak with the intubation tube in place so I nodded responses to her. She instructed me to take a deep breath as she pulled the huge intubation tube from my throat. I sat up and lurched forward as I began projectile vomiting black fluid. The nurse ran for a bucket to catch the charcoal that was spewing through the air.

I must say mine was quite the re-entry. The nurse determined that she could disconnect me from the activated charcoal. The canister of activated charcoal that was pumping liquid through my entire body was massive. It was the size of a water bottle from an office cooler.

I stopped projectile vomiting black fluid in a few minutes. The nurse was explaining what she was doing and what would be happening. I was disconnected from some of the machines that were monitoring me.

As my vomiting stopped, I was able to turn to see my parents sitting on one side of my hospital bed near the windows and another nurse sitting on the opposite side of the bed near the door. The ICU room was all glass and had a large open door that faced a nurses’ station. I have never before or since seen an ICU room as large as this one.

This was my first time staying in a hospital overnight ever. It was uncharted territory. With the tube removed from my throat, I was able to respond speaking very softly.

I motioned to my parents and whispered to my Mom that I was sorry. She looked relieved that I was conscious, awake and could speak hopefully without lasting damage from what I had ingested. She looked very tired. My Mom leaned in near my ear and spoke softly to me telling me that there was a song that she had heard that she wished for me. It was Lee Ann Womack’s I Hope You Dance.

My Dad remained seated but spoke to me through silent tears. He told me he was glad that I was awake and alert and grateful that I was able to understand what they were saying. He did not know if I would be impaired.

He told me that he was sorry because he knew that I was struggling yet he never knew just how much I was struggling. Now he knew. I told him that I was sorry as well. Both of my parents stayed with me while I 'slept while traveling to Heaven' until I awoke a few days later. I am beyond thankful for their support and assistance.

Another nurse came to my bedside to greet me. She placed my hand in hers and gently told me that she had prayed for me on every shift that she worked. She prayed as she bathed and tended to me while I was asleep or unconscious.

She told my Mom that she could not understand how a young woman as beautiful as me could overdose. This lovely nurse stands out in my memory vividly because she expressed compassion and kindness to me.

It was not long before the lead doctor visited me. He was nothing short of a bully barking information at me. His was not a welcome approach. How counterintuitive it is to be harsh with someone who was hopeless or sad enough to overdose. In my weaker physical state, I felt very vulnerable. Although awake, I felt groggy.

He scoffed at any questions I posed to him so I stopped speaking and nodded to indicate that I had heard what he said. He was really only concerned that I did not make another overdose attempt on his watch in his ICU. He informed me that I had attempted to commit a crime and that I could be charged. He pointed to the nurse seated next to the bed informing me that she was stationed as a round the clock monitor. She was not friendly as well.

I knew from my visit with God and my talk with Angels that I would never feel this way again. I would heal. I am grateful to report that I did heal in many ways over time.

I also knew my intent defied reason but I set out to sleep – not die. I know my heart and so does God. I knew few people would understand or appreciate this distinction so I remained silent.

If I had attempted to explain my irrational approach of wanting a long sleep, they would diagnose me as insane. If I stated aloud that I had heard and seen God and Angels, I would be labeled and diagnosed as schizophrenic.

As odd as it may sound, while my dosing was beyond extreme, I never intended to die that evening. That is why in that lucid holy instant moment I said a prayer and received clear instruction and divine intervention.

As the staff was hostile towards me, I chose to exercise discernment and caution. I did not feel safe to share news of my visit with God with anyone official. I quietly confided to my Mom and my social worker with whom I had been having sessions about my journey. My Mom had notified her of my hospitalization.

This social worker therapist who was versed in all things spiritual kindly visited me the next morning in the ICU. She knew that I had never been in any system and that I was not savvy as to what that meant or entailed. She shared that by law I would need to agree to commit myself for psychiatric evaluation and short-term treatment. There was a mandated minimum number of days or hours that I needed to be in inpatient psychiatric care.

She seemed peeved at my naivete and she seemed disturbed that I had overdosed while in her treatment. It seemed wise not to explain my true intent to sleep – not die- to her. She advised that I speak to no one about my God encounter.

I heeded her counsel and thanked her for providing me with important information about how to navigate the system in which I found myself. I was grateful for her assistance but I was wary of her harsh tone and intense demeanor.

I was still feeling groggy. When the nurse monitor had left my bedside, I decided that I would attempt to use the bathroom as the toilet bowl was near my bed in the ICU room. It seemed as if it was just a few steps away from my bed. I had not been out of the bed. So, I gently went to stand and my legs folded underneath me.

I realized that I had overestimated my physical strength and underestimated the toll ingesting 1,300 pills would exact on my body’s energy and strength. I quickly climbed back into the hospital bed and waited for someone who could assist me.

So, I waited another day before I attempted to stand, walk or go to the bathroom on my own. I made sure medical personnel were there to support me if needed. I would not risk falling again. Until then I was transported for tests, sessions, or meetings in a wheelchair.

With quiet gratitude, on Friday, I passed the physical tests to indicate that I was improving and gaining more physical strength to be released from ICU.

The same hostile doctor was adamant that I sign myself into the psychiatric ward for evaluation and treatment. That was the mandated next step and I was no one special who could bypass this step. So, I signed the temporary commitment papers under silent duress. Doing so was scary but I trusted that God would watch over me.

My parents wanted me to comply and just follow the rules so that I would eventually be released.

During my stay in the ICU, my Dad had been very quiet and much more introspective than usual. I do not recall him ever being angry or upset at me for overdosing. He never assigned me any blame for making a huge misstep, which was unprecedented in our life together. He really was his best self during this time.

As my parents and I were leaving the ICU unit, my Dad quietly motioned for me to look around me. He pointed out to me that of the twelve or so patients in ICU beds that formed a circle around the nurses’ station all of the other patients were unconscious and hooked up to monitors, tubes, and leads.

He gently urged me to be mindful that I was the only patient on the unit strong enough and well enough to be walking out. He was asking me to subtly acknowledge that many or all of the patients in the ICU would never leave the unit alive as I was. He reminded me to be thankful. I am glad and grateful that my Dad shared this poignant insight with me.

Playing The Toothbrush Game

My parents and I took what felt like a marathon length walk toward my next destination. It was not a long distance in actual steps. It felt as though I was entering unknown unfamiliar territory.

I was doing my best to hide my sheer terror at signing away from freedom. I was now in the dreaded system and I would need permission to exit to regain my freedom. Words hardly convey how daunting this felt.

I had no idea who or what I would encounter. I hoped and prayed that I would be released soon. I focused only on my eventual release. I reminded myself often that I was now fully connected to God and Angels and that they were with me always.

With the instructions from my social worker therapist in mind, I knew to agree to treatment and comply at all times. I also remembered that I was not to discuss my visit with God and Angels with anyone on the ward. I would tell them anything they wanted to hear so that I could be released as soon as possible.

By this time, I was receiving limited phone calls from some friends whom my Mom had notified for me. If I had made plans with them or had had standing appointments, my Mom kindly called them to advise them that I was unavailable and that I would reschedule with them when I was feeling better and stronger.

I was guided by the psych ward staff to bring some clothes and belongings to a sterile empty room that housed two twin beds.

There was no decoration and some wood furniture. It was stark and cavernous. There was a large window between the two beds. I stowed my belongings as instructed. I did not see any signs that the other bed across the room was occupied.

I was led from the room where I would stay in a main multipurpose room where other patients were engaged in activities, milling about or sitting around. The staff member who had been accompanying me introduced me to the patients who inquired after me and also introduced me to other staff members who were present.

My parents had agreed to attend a therapy session with me as part of my treatment so we met with a psychologist or psychiatrist to discuss my overdose and eventual treatment plan upon my release.

I had never sat in a session with anyone else present so this was uncharted territory for me. I had no idea what to anticipate so I said a prayer.

My Mom did not know what to say. She seemed quiet. She focused on completing tasks and only wanted information that would assist her to help me recover day to day. She was hands-on and more physically able to help me with tasks that needed completing.

My Dad wept openly during the session. He said that he understood now just how lost I was feeling. He felt uncertain and struggled with how to best help me.

He shared that he believed that I was having the hardest time because I must have felt that I had just been discarded or disposed of like I was a trash bag.

The psychologist asked me if I still felt actively suicidal. I responded that I did not and that I posed no threat. I was not interested or inclined to harm myself or others now or in the future. I had learned my lesson. I discussed with her that the cause had involved issues around loss and change that my pending divorce introduced.

We then discussed that I would need to live with my parents or other interested parties as guardians for six months. I would not be released from the hospital to live on my own. Living independently was not an option.

We then discussed that I would take medication and visit a psychiatrist who would monitor my medication. We all agreed to this course of treatment upon my eventual release from the psych ward and hospital.

My parents departed and I shakily and quietly proceeded to the main activity areas. I did my best not to draw attention to myself. I nodded or grinned at anyone who noticed me or acknowledged my presence. I purposely did not speak unless someone addressed me directly. I sat quietly and kept to myself as much as possible.

I did not want anyone to know that I had studied and trained to be a psychotherapist. Upon completing graduate school, I had always worked in business settings as a project manager consultant or Human Resources business partner consultant.

I had never worked on the treatment side of the aisle seeing patients. The closest I came was when I interned to fulfill my multiple Masters’ program requirements. I would assist counselors by co-leading groups with dual diagnosis patients who participated in these outpatient programs.

I never felt comfortable in the therapist role because I felt that the training that I had received was insufficient to treat patients directly. I also found my advisors to be unprofessional and unskilled. I was horrified by what I witnessed so I chose not to enter the clinical side of the profession.

I knew that I would prefer applying my skills and training in business settings where I had worked in the past and acclimated well enough to be effective. The business side offered better pay as well. I had student loans to repay.

Now I would experience first-hand what it felt like to be a patient on the other side of the aisle in the psych ward.

The first night came and I chose to sleep with my clothes and socks on. I sat up on the bed with my back leaning against the wall to prop myself up so that I did not fall asleep. If I did lay down, I willed myself to stay awake and alert enough to know what was happening in my surroundings. A light from the hallway streamed into the room. The large wood door to the room was left partially open so I could be observed by staff and security guards who walked the halls.

Around three or four in the morning, a disheveled looking girl who appeared to be teenage, came into the room. I prayed and went on high alert.

I was terrified on the inside to now have a roommate that was a stranger to me. I did not sleep any of the nights that I was in the psych ward. I nodded to her and we both remained quiet.

She was moved out of the room the next day. I asked no questions and wanted no information.

Saturday was a very gray dreary weather day. I was asked to proceed to the main activity room and I complied. The staff requested that I participate in some group activities.

I thought back to my days when I was an intern at a dual diagnosis mental health facility that hosted games and exercises like the ones I was now playing. I was being praised and acknowledged by the staff therapists for being able to complete an object identification exercise so quickly.

I was able to point to a toothbrush and match that to another object such as toothpaste. I complied and was as pleasant and invisible as possible.

I do not recall bathing, eating, or reading while I was being treated in the psych ward. I do remember talking on the phone with a friend of mine from high school. I was glad to have some time to myself to talk in a phone booth.

My friend expressed concern and remorse. I assured her that I would be okay once I was released from the psych ward and hospital. It felt good to talk to someone who knew me and it felt even better to talk to someone who knew that I was intelligent and that a mistake did not define me. I did not have to pretend to be anyone else with her. Or hide who I was.

The second night I believe another girl was brought in early in the morning as well.

I recall speaking to her and reassuring her that everything would be okay for her. She was friendly and just as frightened as I was to be in the psych ward.

The next morning, she and I talked. I remember telling her that I would pray for her. That brought her comfort. I believe I told her a short version of my story. I recall showing her bruises and marks that I had on my stomach and chest from where leads and tubes had been connected. I shared some navigating the psych ward tips with her that I had acquired. I participated in some group therapy talk circles that day. I did everything possible to blend in with the others.

Then I was told that I had a phone call. It was my husband calling. I was baffled that he would be calling me. I wondered how he knew that I was in the hospital. I did not want to speak with him but I thought it best to comply. I did not want it to appear as if talking with him would unnerve or disturb me.

I was still feeling physically weak and definitely vulnerable where he was concerned. He informed me that he was still listed as my emergency contact on my medical insurance forms so he was notified that I was hospitalized. He also knew that I had overdosed from the diagnostic numbers and labels the hospital had assigned me. The forms read attempted suicide. I was insured through his new job.

I had had no intention of ever informing him. He would attribute this as an attempt to lure him back or somehow manipulate him. Neither were true. I felt no need to attempt to convince him that I had had no agenda.

The only details that I recall from the conversation with him was that he was in sunny beautiful Lake Tahoe skiing that weekend. The contrast - between the gray skies that I viewed from a stark hospital ward window in a scary unknown setting in an unfamiliar city and a luxury resort at arguably one of the most scenic places on Earth with fresh powder on the slopes - was vivid and surreal.

I ended the call with him as quickly as possible and shared little information with him. We were worlds apart in every possible way. I no longer trusted him and I was sure that he did not have my best interest in mind or heart. I wished he had not been notified nor contacted me. Speaking with him only caused me unrest or indirect harm.

The rest of that day and night are blurry. I focused on my goal which was to be released from this holding place.

Thankfully, I was released into my parents’ care on Monday morning armed with a treatment plan with which I fully complied.

My Dad picked me up on a sunny Monday at about ten in the morning. I have never been more relieved and grateful to see the outdoors than I was that day. I believe that we filled my new prescriptions and stopped to eat a burger. I felt safe to breathe and sleep for the first time in six days.

Returning to stay with my parents at their house was complicated; but I was thankful to have their full support and unconditional love. They opened their hearts to help me heal. They have always held a door open for me if I needed one. That has never changed. They have been a constant for me.

Just as words do not capture or convey the beauty that I witnessed and experienced in Heaven; words barely begin to express how grateful I feel to be loved unconditionally.

We are imperfectly perfect. I am blessed. My Dad shined in ways I would have never imagined. He chose to be patient, kind, and gentler with me than he had ever been with another person ever.

My Mom helped me in countless ways that are too numerous to list. She cleaned my apartment of vomit and blood while I was in the hospital. She helped me pack up my entire apartment and she helped me unpack into a storage unit. She helped me pack my husband’s things.

My Mom just loves unconditionally as God does. The first chapter of Corinthians in the New Testament describes my Mom. You could easily replace the word love with her name. That sums her up; she simply lives and loves as God does. She was born that way.

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Hopefully, the rest of us learn and grow as we go. Some of us chose to navigate twisted bumpy obstacle laden courses – there was no straight and narrow path for me.

My Return Toward Healing

I began to heal slowly but surely. The 2 new medications that I was prescribed seemed to work rather well. I had never taken an anti-anxiety medication but that lessened the spin that I had experienced.

Taking Alprazolam helped me when taking the SSRI Zoloft had not. One of the prescribed medications was regularly and closely monitored. I was advised that I would only be taking it for a few weeks as it was highly addictive. The second medication I took for six months.

In retrospect and hindsight, I am convinced that I was prescribed the wrong medication five years earlier.

I also believe that another psychologist who could teach me coping and DBT skills as treatment for trauma from being an adult child of someone with borderline personality disorder would have sped my inevitable recovery.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) provides clients with new skills to manage painful emotions and decrease conflict in relationships. DBT specifically focuses on providing therapeutic skills in four key areas. First, mindfulness focuses on improving an individual's ability to accept and be present in the current moment. Second, distress tolerance is geared toward increasing a person’s tolerance of negative emotion, rather than trying to escape from it. Third, emotion regulation covers strategies to manage and change intense emotions that are causing problems in a person’s life. Fourth, interpersonal effectiveness consists of techniques that allow a person to communicate with others in a way that is assertive, maintains self-respect, and strengthens relationships.

I returned to attending therapy with the social worker therapist. She worked on all things spiritual so I thought she was a good enough match. I could talk to her openly about my new experiences. I had gone to see other therapists to replace the psychologist I had been seeing but none had similar spiritual gifts.

Since mine were recently activated, it made sense to work with her at that time. I joined meditation groups and classes and made several friends within these groups that this therapist hosted.

In a session, I spoke with the therapist about my overdose. She wanted to know if I would try again. That question surprised me. The therapist told me not to slap God in the face and asked if I wanted to return again as a toddler who lived in slums. That statement stunned me. That was surely not being generated from a place of compassion because I had just experienced compassion at its God Source. None of this felt humane let alone kind.

I was still not used to owning my own power and I had not harnessed my God power so I said little in response.

The minister at Teaneck Unity simply asked me if I was done and if I had learned what I needed to learn. Her response was direct yet not unkind. It was a matter of fact.

I believe that I understood what she meant or what she was attempting to convey. I could go to God the hard way or the easy way. The choice was mine and God would be with me no matter what choice I made.

This Teaneck Unity minister was a force of nature who truly loved and served God with every fiber of her being. She walked the walk, talked the talk and lived by example. Even though she had only known me for a few short months, I appreciated her candor. She offered wisdom along with genuine concern for my well-being.

I chose not to discuss my Visit with God and Angels. I sensed so strongly that I somehow posed a threat to the social worker therapist. Something was off but I was accustomed to giving away my power. I also sensed that I would be exercising discretion and discernment in regard to sharing my encounter with others. Even people who worked with God.

What I knew for certain at the core of my being was that I knew and trusted the God of my understanding and experience. Period.

Dealing with God’s children was another matter entirely.

Gifts of Divine Intervention

A few days after I was released from the hospital, I received a phone call at my parents’ home one evening. Checking caller ID on the display on the phone, I saw that it was my neighbor calling.

I was uncertain whether or not to take the call. People had been reactive toward me. I did not feel up to being scolded or shamed again.

Not many people who knew had not expressed compassion to me. Some were openly hostile toward me.

I wondered, had no one else ever made a misstep or mistake? Or felt sad or anxious? Or had a brain and body that was not producing the chemical that creates hope?

I wondered, would she be angry with me or scold me? Other people who knew had been so I was uncertain how best to proceed.

Had I damaged her furniture or property? Was she traumatized by the events she witnessed? Would she choose to sue me for any reason?

I said a prayer and then spoke with my Mom.

I asked my Mom to listen to the call on the other extension just in case I needed a second set of ears. I was still recovering physically and my energy would wane.

I said another prayer and called my neighbor.

I could not have been more wrong. She could not have been nicer or kinder to me.

She embodied being a good neighbor who was truly a Godsend to me.

She simply called to see how I was doing. She expressed that she was glad that I was with my parents whom she had met when Mom went to clean the scene at my apartment. She liked them very much.

She then asked me if she could share some information with me. I told her that my Mom was on the phone and they greeted one another with well wishes. I explained that I still felt rather weak and my energy would fluctuate so my Mom was listening for me in case I missed something she had said. I then indicated that it was okay for her to share her information with us.

She was so excited as she spoke. She began by thanking me! For a moment, I thought that I must be hearing things. Then she thanked me again! She was thanking her neighbor who came to her door unannounced dying. I wanted to be sure that she knew whom she was addressing. Did she confuse me with someone else?

I softly reminded her that I was the woman sitting on her sofa vomiting into a box awaiting the arrival of EMTs. I had imposed. I had disrupted her evening. I had perhaps subjected her to trauma. I had disturbed her peace.

That was one week ago. Here she was thanking me repeatedly.

She explained that she was normally working on Tuesday nights. It was divine intervention that she was home that evening to call 911 and assist me until help arrived. She had worked on Tuesday nights for years!

She then proceeded to explain that she had seen God herself! She knew for certain that God was real! She was thrilled.

She witnessed what she called a miracle of her own. Or perhaps a Divine Intervention event. Her life had been changed – even transformed. She thanked me.

She explained excitedly that as I sat on her sofa, I glowed. She shared that she knew that I was already a beautiful woman, which was kind of her to say, but that that evening I appeared perfect and that I was radiant as my body sat dying.

She continued that she had never seen anyone so luminous. She could see no blemish or spot on me. She had never seen anyone appear so perfect. She knew the energy and light to be holy and divine in origin. She asked God and was told that beloved Mother Mary had over lit my form and assumed my body.

She said that even the hospital choice was divinely guided. She explained that the EMTs were debating about which hospital was closest.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had been transported to St. Mary’s Hospital rather than the larger secular hospital that was highly rated and recommended as the go-to area hospital.

She also shared that the Male EMT who was assisting me recognized her while she was at work. He approached her and asked her if I had had a funeral or memorial yet. He wondered if she attended services for me. She was baffled by his query at first. So, she asked him what he meant.

He stated that he just assumed that I had died. She informed him that I had recently been released from the hospital and that I was staying with my parents. He was stunned to hear that I had lived.

He then stated in amazement that he did not know who her neighbor was but she must be something special or have some major connection upstairs because he had never seen someone convulse as much as I had in the back of the ambulance and survive. He pointed to the sky when he referenced having some connection to God.

He told her that even 60 pills that I had taken would surely kill someone. I had taken 1,300 and survived!

He considered it another miracle or divine intervention that my brain and body sustained no permanent damage from the pills I had ingested. I experienced no long-term symptoms nor side effects. I am extremely grateful to have been healed in Heaven and to have made a full recovery here on Earth.

He asked her to wish me well and tell me that he was glad that I lived. He guessed that he too had witnessed a miracle or divine intervention that evening.

She thanked him for asking about me and promised that she would pass the information he just shared onto me.

I was thankful and incredibly moved that these two good Samaritans shared their experiences with me.

Finding words to express my gratitude to my inspired neighbor, to the EMTs who cared for me in myriad ways, to Mother Mary who sent her Divine light and energy to over light and assume my human form, to Archangel Michael whose voice instructed me so clearly, to my Higher self who met God and Angels and agreed to return to serve, to my parents who love God and love me, is challenging because saying just thank you seems so inadequate.

From the depths of my heart, I thank you one and all.

You have played an integral role in the unfoldment of my Divine Plan.

Know that I carry your spark with me in my Higher Heart. Whenever I choose to consciously connect to God as love, I intend that my words or actions will uplift, bless and inspire others.

I choose to expand God as love in and through me – always and all ways. I was often guided to hold space for higher God energies.

I began creating subtle quiet inner joy by serving the God of my understanding and experience in the unseen realm.

Upon my return, my God, through me, spiritual gifts began to emerge. I began to serve God as I had chosen and promised. I felt connected and guided as I began owning, integrating, and expressing my ‘I AM presence’ gradually.

For several years, any time I saw an ambulance, which was often every day, I could sense and sometimes hear the soul of the patient. I would introduce myself telepathically to them and ask their permission to determine if they wanted God through me to assist them.

I would ask that God send them and all involved, Peace. If their soul responded that they did choose assistance, I would then ask for God and all Heaven’s Healers, Doctors and Nurses to be present, together we would send their Highest light and energy to the patient’s whole being.

I would telepathically send blessings to the patient and to all involved in every aspect of their situation. I would gently tell them that they are loved and embraced by God no matter the human outcome.

I would ask to send them more Peace and gently depart. I would then thank God for assisting me to raise the light, energy, or vibration of the situation.

I had apparently awoken from my deep sleep in more ways than just the one.

It seems that God had been asking me to connect consciously.

A few months into my recovery and healing journey, I was blessed to have another Divine encounter.

I attended my weekly therapy session. The therapist would often discuss spiritual themes and we would explore patterns.

Much to her amazement, she announced that I had a special visitor this day.

It was none other than our beloved Jesus.

He stood before me radiating the most vibrant radiant emerald green light from the center of his pulsing Higher Heart.

He formed an infinity symbol with the light and sent a loop to my Higher Heart which connected my Higher Heart to His Higher Heart.

He was beaming as his eyes and smile lit me with the most fun playful joyous energy you could ever imagine. I felt hugged and embraced by His brotherly presence.

He telepathically sent this message to me:

You are a child of God, you are a woman of Light, and this is LOVE.

__________________________

My social worker therapist was speechless and gob smacked!

I was and I am beyond grateful.

Several months later, I asked God what love was and I heard and sensed this reply that came in the form of an acronym.

As this helped me to begin to apply and integrate this in my experience, I thought it may assist you as well:

LOVE = Light, Oneness, Vibration & Energy

I started a journey to discover more about the spiritual gifts that had been activated within me. So, I began reading and studying metaphysics in earnest.

I felt guided to varied books, websites, and resources. After attending therapy sessions for one year, I was ready to advance so I studied applied metaphysics and completed a two-year course of study that the therapist hosted.

I would spend three years among them until I was guided to move on.

I am beyond grateful to be healthy and wholly recovered. I experienced no long-term effects from the pills I had ingested. I actively maintain a gluten and lactose free existence to treat celiac sprue and related health issues.

I am now a project consultant, a spiritual counselor, and a non-denominational minister.

Also a divinely perfect imperfect work in progress.

PS…

I thought you may be wondering about what transpired with my divorce from my husband.

I later learned from my husband when we met in person 2 months after my release from the hospital and visit with God and Angels that he had begun dating a single Mom with two young children at the time he called me demanding a speedy divorce.

He was helping raise her children whom he sought to adopt within a few short months of meeting and dating. I had no idea that my husband had closed my chapter entirely and found a new family with whom to live that quickly! My lawyer advised me that they apparently married and had a child together perhaps two years later.

Our divorce became final as stipulated and determined by the court. A settlement was reached by an independent attorney panel. The court upheld their settlement recommendations.

Raging through clenched teeth in a courtroom corridor, my husband demanded that the length of the settlement be lessened by several years. I agreed so that the proceedings would not be extended or prolonged. He begrudgingly adhered to the settlement terms. I have honored all of his requests. We have had no contact nor communication.

I truly ask God to bless him and all those that he loves who were once my extended family.

Thank you for allowing me to share part of my journey toward becoming conscious, with you.

I hope doing so has uplifted, inspired, informed or blessed you to continue on your unique spiritual path.

May you know that you are a spiritual being having a human experience.

May you feel that you are loved and embraced.

May you experience that God loves you just as you are.

May you live fully and express radiantly as love expanding.

May you create from your own unique space of joy.

God as Love is calling me now to serve from my connected Higher Heart in the seen realms.

So here I AM.

I AM Maureen

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 02/13/2001

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Drug or medication overdose Life threatening event, but not clinical death

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I was fully aware and present beyond any human experience or description.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? While I was visiting on the Other Side.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning provided

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Vision was all knowing.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Communication on the Other Side was all telepathic.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? Yes, but the facts have not been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Lights became flowing beings like angels

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm provided

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Peace beyond all description

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about myself or others provided

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control provided

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life provided

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Catholic

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I studied all things metaphysical after my NDE experience.

What is your religion now? Christian- Other Christian Christian Metaphysical

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience Eternal expansion...

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes provided.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes provided.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I was asked to serve.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes provided.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes provided

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes Have no fear.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes provided.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Love was the only light, energy and vibration that exists.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes My relationship with God and my Self has expanded and strengthened immeasurably

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Words do not do the beauty I experienced justice.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. Life changing

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Yes, please provided.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I encountered a wide range of reactions and responses.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I believe that I was familiar with some movies and books about NDEs.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real My visit was more real than I could possibly convey using words and it always will be real.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I have an active and interactive relationship with the Other Side.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? The questionnaire seemed to be comprehensive.