Michelle R NDE

Experience Description:

This experience happened when I was eighteen. It was the weekend before I started college. I was a 'raver' at this time and took 'X'. At this time, some bad pills were circulating in the area (I later found out) and I took three 'bad pills'. An hour or two after I took the pills I realized that something was wrong. I hated the way I felt. I do not remember what happened before the experience, just after, but all of a sudden, I was at the 'gates' of Heaven. At this time in my life, I was becoming less of a believer. Science made lots more sense than religion. However, during the experience I knew what was going on, there was no confusion about it at all. I no longer felt the effects of the drugs even, but soon remembered that I had taken them and that that was why I was where I was.

I could not see much, just white - not light but more like clouds or fog - and there was a grayish 'blockage' which was to be the 'gates' of Heaven. There were no dead relatives to meet me (I had none at this time that I had been close to in life) but there was an Angel. His image was clearer than the surrounding area but not totally clear. He was in white. God was also there but not an Image of God, just a presence. It was like he was beyond this blockage. I could hear him, but it was not sound I heard, the communication was all in my head. There was no reason to use words here and I understood that. I also understood that I was dead. I accepted it, but then felt guilt. I didn't even think I should ask if I could get into Heaven because I was facing judgment while on drugs. But I didn't have to ask to be let in, God already knew what I was thinking. And I knew he knew. It was almost like the questions and answers happened at the same time - there was no time there. I felt shamed but also calm; there was no fear, just the shame and guilt of my circumstances. Then I was asked the question, 'Why should I let you in Heaven if you are on drugs?' And I knew I did not deserve to be allowed in.

Then my whole life flashed before me in what seemed seconds. But then I even saw the future. I saw how sad my family and friends were. They were all crying. I was upset for a moment but then felt that I had to accept it. Then all of a sudden I was back in my body - my boyfriend, who was also on these bad drugs, was holding me up and I was trying to walk but couldn't.

All of a sudden, I realized I was alive, but felt so bad that I almost wished I wasn't. But I realized I must have been given a second chance and knew the drugs would eventually wear off (ten or so hours later). I then became too messed up from the drugs to think about what had happened until I was sober. For years, I believed this was all just from the drugs and what I experienced was something my brain conjured up from things I had heard from other people who had NDEs, but lately I cannot stop thinking about it. I recently read some info about NDEs in a book and it listed things that happened to me that I had never heard from others before. Now I do not know what to think about my experience. I try to tell myself it was not real, but when I do, I feel pressure on my chest and feel like I am almost forced to believe it was true. Like something wants me to believe it is true.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 08/28/1999

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain Bad drugs Other 'I was young and using ''x'' at the time. On this occasion I got bad pills and was in and out of consciousness.' I was aware that I had taken bad drugs, but did not know if I was in danger or not. Then all of a sudden, I was facing judgment and knew I must be dead. I felt like there was nothing I could do about that but still accepted it.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I understood more. Everything made sense and I had no questions.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? While facing judgment.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Neither

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening all at once There were no limits to space or time. Space was everywhere and time did not exist.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more so

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Clarity and colors, things seemed blurry and everything was white and gray. Also, things did not seem solid at all. The blockage even did not seem solid, yet I knew I could not pass through until I was allowed to.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I did not hear with my ears, but my mind.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Neither

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I do not remember passing through a tunnel, I just remember being in the white place where God was.

Did you see any beings in your experience? Saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes No people, just one Angel and the presence of God. The angel was the entrance to the blockage keeping me out of Heaven and God was just something I felt and heard.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? Neither

Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain I do not remember any light, just white and gray.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Clearly mystical or unearthly realm The "gates" of Heaven

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Guilt and shame.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Neither

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No longer in conflict with nature

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe

Did scenes from your past come back to you? Past flashed before me, out of my control I saw both my life and the future. I learned that everyone was upset that I was gone. I should have learned that I was given a second chance, but I am still confused about the experience.

Did scenes from the future come to you? From personal future I saw how people I cared for reacted to my death.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? A barrier I was not permitted to cross; or 'sent back' to life involuntarily

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal 'I believed in God but was starting to believe less, science was making more sense.'

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Uncertain I have since been even less religious. I am confused because to me this seemed real but what I have been taught about religion does not. I guess I have not found the correct religion for me yet.

What is your religion now? Liberal The experience should have changed my feelings- I have been thinking about it more and more these days wondering if I should change my beliefs.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Uncertain I have since been even less religious. I am confused because to me this seemed real but what I have been taught about religion does not. I guess I have not found the correct religion for me yet.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? Definite being, or voice clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? Saw them

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I don't remember specific things, but I remember not having questions and everything just made sense.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I understood everything that was going on without question, but it would be hard to understand otherwise. I was without a body but was still me. There was no ground, just 'white', I was at 'Heaven's gate' but there was no gate, just a blockage. An angel was there but not a clear image. God was there - I could not see him, just feel and hear him. My life flashed before me in an instant - there was no such thing as time but it all made sense. I was shamed because of the circumstances, but was still comfortable. After seeing my life I even saw the future and the consequences of my choices.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? I believe that a person's experience is unique to their mind set and belief system. I did not need to see God or Jesus and a human figure because I have always understood there could be a God that was a 'being' but not necessarily 'Human'. And even when I was a stronger believer, I believed in worshiping God more than Jesus. Jesus was not part of my NDE. I did not need to see beautiful things of hear 'words'. I believe this is because I was capable of understanding things during this NDE that were not 'normal'.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Just my sister, but I do not think she believed me.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I had heard things on TV about it. At first, I thought it was all in my head, but I had never heard of a 'blockage' that prevented them from going into Heaven before. I have also since read other things that pertained to my experience that I had not heard before. I had heard people talk about a tunnel of light, dead relatives, and pearly gates.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was probably not real At first I thought it was a hallucination. Then I always felt that I had a NDE but wanted to believe it was not true.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was probably real I cannot stop thinking and feeling this is real. After reading things that happened to others that fit my experience it made me, think that maybe my mind did not conjure this up. Mine was much different from what I had heard from others in the past.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I was so messed up on the drugs that I could not see, hear or walk correctly, yet during this experience everything was clear to me. I was not having any effects of the drugs; I just remembered that I had taken some. And when I was back in my body, I was messed up again. I was clearly on some other level of consciousness during my experience.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Leave a space for answers to all questions. Some of the questions I had multiple answers to. For example, the question asking if I saw spiritual beings or felt a presence, I experienced both. I saw an angel and I felt the presence of God.