Nadia L STE

Experience Description

Excerpt from my personal essay on the subject published on openeyes1031.substack.com:

'I don’t remember much of the day it happened, or much of the evening either. All I remember is feeling tired. It was this heaviness that creeped in slowly and then hit all at once. I remember being on the phone with some friends and losing track of the conversation. I was fading in and out of consciousness, and I couldn’t keep track of the things we were talking about. It was all so distant, and I was so sleepy. I told them goodnight. I was going to lay down.

Lying down was not a choice. The heaviness took hold of me gently and swiftly, like I was being wrapped up in a weighted blanket. My eyes couldn’t open. My limbs were filled with concrete. My heart was beating too fast, or too slow, and my breath was shallow. It felt okay. It felt kind of peaceful. I was tired, I thought. I needed to sleep. I put on my favorite TV show and curled up on the couch with a fuzzy blanket. It was dark except for the blue glow of the television, and the dialogue lulled me deeper into the slumber. I had been fighting it off all day, but once I gave in, it was easy. There was a twinge of fear, but for the most part, I felt peaceful. It felt like relief. I was tired, and I was finally going to get some sleep.

Once my eyes closed, the world around me seemed to change. Suddenly, I was falling down a hole. Maybe floating is a better term, though, because there was no body. It was just my essence, my being, tumbling down like Alice as she went to Wonderland. The further I went, the deeper and darker it got. My body was just a memory. I was nothing, and I was everything, and even though it was scary it was also exciting. I felt myself shrinking down. I was impossibly small - a speck on the face of the universe. My soul curled up in the abyss for what seemed like eternity, though the dread was not there. It was acceptance. It was knowing, this was always who I was, and who we all are, and I had returned to someplace familiar. My mom used to say that before I was born, I was just a twinkle in her eye, and that’s the way it felt. I wasn’t a person. I was a concept. A consciousness.

I would have been happy staying there, but something pulled me back. There was this rush of feeling, of adrenaline. I felt blissful, and happy, and there was a brilliant light. Suddenly I saw everything that has ever happened to me, not just in this lifetime but in all the lifetimes before. I was a little girl murdered in Appalachia. I was a closeted French painter with a mustache. I suddenly understood time as it truly is - as something that does not happen in a consecutive, linear motion, but an explosion of eternity all at once for infinity. It was beautiful, and I understood everything. Then, from somewhere around me in this amoeba of soul and love and thought, my grandfather spoke. He had passed in 2017 from an aggressive cancer that took him quickly, and his death had a profound impact on my mother especially, who had lost her mother in 1996 to multiple sclerosis. My grampa said he was proud of me, and that he missed me and loved me. I could smell him and his old house: robust red wines, aromatic cheeses, and a handful of family dinners. Suddenly I was 7 years old watching PBS Kids in his living room, his long-gone chocolate lab, Riley, curled up at my side. I’m so glad to see you. I love you and miss you too, I thought, and he heard me. As soon as his house had manifested, it was gone again, and the brilliant light got brighter. It was as if a train was rushing towards me and I was laying on the tracks. Almost as quickly as I had fallen asleep, I crashed back down into my body. It felt like diving into a cold pool, and I took a huge gasp of air as my body flung itself up from the couch. My eyes were open, and I was back in my basement. It had only been fifteen minutes, but that didn’t seem possible. It felt like I was gone for an eternity, or maybe only a few seconds. The panic kicked in after waking. I’ve officially lost it, I thought. The next day, I reached out to my psychiatrist. I need to go to that trauma treatment program you mentioned, I told her. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but it was something I couldn’t ignore. The thing was, once I had woken up, the world felt different. I wasn’t just awake, I was aware.'

I got a lot more details of my past lives that I did not include in the blog post. I had a visceral experience of being this little girl who had just gone through something traumatic. I was in the woods somewhere laying down in a creek bed or swap. I was on my back and when I looked up I could see the canopy of trees above me. It was humid, the classic kind of muggy and suffocating summers we get here near the VA/WVA border. I knew there was something wrong with my head, and my private area felt bad too. I was scared and I wanted to get up and leave, run home and find my family, but I couldn't move. I was too weak. I felt this heaviness in my chest and I had the knowledge that I was dying then. I returned back to the darkness for a bit before hearing my grandfather from this life's voice.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 4/21/2023

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain Illness Drug or medication overdose cardiac complications from eating disorder Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening I had been struggling with an eating disorder and substance use for many years beforehand. Both conditions caused me to have cardiac issues (POTS, arrhythmia). I was also in the midst of a dissociative fugue caused by CPTSD. On this particular night I was using a combination of substances (alcohol, benzos, dextromethorphan) which put added stress on my heart. I was also in the middle of a severe relapse of my eating disorder (EDNIOS with both restrictive and purging behavior).

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain It's hard to totally remember. I do remember briefly seeing my body lying on the couch below me, and I was transported back to some moments in my childhood briefly as well. I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Less consciousness and alertness than normal When I first started feeling ill, I just got extremely tired. It was this heaviness, and looking back it was probably me losing consciousness. I was alone when it happened, so I can't be totally sure. My physical consciousness was not existent, but my soul consciousness was at an all-time high. It was like all of my senses woke up. I could feel everything but in an energetic sense, not physical sensation,

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? After a while of just floating in the darkness, right before the colors and lights started. I was alert but so at peace at the same time. I am not sure if my physical body was conscious, but i know my soul way.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I remember feeling like I was gone for an eternity, but when I woke up it had only been 10 or 15 minutes. I couldn't understand how I could have seen and felt all that I did in such a short time span.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I was having a lot of trouble staying awake. I was fading in and out of blackness, and there was also so much color and light dancing around.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I couldn't keep track of any of the conversation I was having on the phone. Words stopped making sense.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes At the very end of my experience, I felt like I was crashing through this tunnel of light back into my body. It's like I was flying back uo through the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole I floated down at the beginning.

Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes My grandfather was there. I also sensed a lot of other positive and familiar presences but I couldnt tell you exactly who they were.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes It was light made out of colors that don't exist on our plane of existence. It was incredible.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm It was strange and intangible. It's not a place as you would understand it to be in this realm of existence. But it was so familiar.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? It was a deep sense of knowing. My life had been ruled by fear for years, and I thought that I should be feeling scared, but I was actually so calm and peaceful. I was totally okay with what was happening, and I understood that no matter what happened, I would be alright.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I understood that I was running from a false ending, because death is not the end. This lifetime is just a one chapter of our soul's story. I was able to release myself from all the pressures of what I 'should' be doing because I knew that everything I was supposed to do in this lifetime would come to me if I completely surrendered myself to the power of the universe. I had felt no purpose or passion for so long but I finally understood that this lifetime was meant for spiritual growth. I no longer feared death after, because death is an illusion of the physical form. Hope turned into faith.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I had a visceral experience of being this little girl who had just gone through something traumatic. I was in the woods somewhere laying down in a creek bed or swap. I was on my back and when I looked up I could see the canopy of trees above me. It was humid, the classic kind of muggy and suffocating summers we get here near the VA/WVA border. I knew there was something wrong with my head, and my private area felt bad too. I was scared and I wanted to get up and leave, run home and find my family, but I couldn't move. I was too weak. I felt this heaviness in my chest and I had the knowledge that I was dying then. I returned back to the darkness for a bit before hearing my grandfather from this life's voice. I had been getting flashes of these feelings for my entire life - looking back I think a lot of my trauma in this life was unresolved trauma from the way I died before. I always got these uncanny feelings outside at night, in the woods, and with certain smells that I experienced during my past life memory in the experience.

Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future Scene's from the world's future and my personal future have come to me many times since then. In the past 6 months I have had accurate premonitions regarding 3 deaths in my life, and other smaller and less consequential events.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will My grandfather gave me some encouraging words. He said he was proud of me. He could see my potential for greatness even when he was alive, and he helped me see it for myself during the experience. My work here wasn't done.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Other or several faiths Non-affiliated with any religion but curious about spiritualism

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes Before I really wanted to believe in something, but didn't have enough faith. Now I am certain in the existence of life beyond the physical realm.

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Secular unaffiliated

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I was just so lost for so long. I've always been more sensitive to unseen energies, but finding faith was really hard for me. I didn't really know what to believe, and that really held me back because I was so afraid of loss. My belief system was totally shaken because I realized that there is so much more than what we see and understand as humans.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes My priorities have shifted. I used to be afraid of meeting new people because I distrusted them. Now I love to meet people. I switched from thinking most people were inherently bad to most people are inherently good, and even the really horrible people will learn and receive karma at some point. I don't really get mad anymore. I empathize a lot more.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I heard a voice i believed to be my grandfather. There was also a feminine energy that kind of soothed me through the whole experience. I think that she is my spirit guide, because she talks to me a lot and guides me through decisions daily now.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes My past lives. I realized I had been here many times before.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes We are all part of one collective consciousness, and the more that we put positive energy into the world without expecting something in return, the higher our collective vibration will raise and the better life will become for everyone. Reality is a mirror that reflects our energy back to us.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I understand that I have gifts and need to use them to help other people find the light.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes I understood that the first 20-ish years of my life were for me to heal from the trauma of my past life and how I died. Once I healed from that trauma I could move on to this life's purpose, which was spiritual connection. I am meant to guide others through their spiritual journeys and serve as a messenger between this realm and the spirit realm. I also understood that everyone is on their own journey and own timeline that extends beyond physical human age, and it's futile to compare ourselves to others because an old soul can be in a young body.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes Even when I was away from my body, I still had sentience. It wasn't so much life AFTER death, just that death of the physical form is separate from the soul. The soul never dies.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes Everyone is on their own journey. It's not my job to convert anyone to believe the same things as me. Some people aren't ready and won't be ready in this lifetime, and that's okay. I don't believe there is a separate entity is God, but that our universe and our collective consciousness is God. We're all a small piece of God.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes Every challenge we encounter is a lesson. Even the most seemingly senseless pain and suffering in this lifetime teaches our souls something. We encounter a lot of the same people over and over and we serve different roles/teach each other different lessons in each lifetime.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Love is everywhere. If you love unconditionally and learn to let go of your ego, good things will return for you. Kindness, time, and empathy have been commodified in this realm by people who want to make a profit off of it. But it doesn't need to be that way. if you are genuine and altruistic then good things will find you.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life I am happy, truly and unapologetically. I am overwhelmed by the beauty in everyday life. I constantly sit and marvel at the world around me, and think of how lucky I am to exist in this world and experience it. I am hungry for life. I want to learn as much as I can, see as much as I can, and connect with as many people as possible. I want to be kind just because I can. I want to help others that have gotten lost in the darkness find their true light. I used to be horribly depressed at the tragedy and 'evil' in the world, but now I understand that humanity is in the middle of a spiritual crisis. It's never too late to change. I look at my future and I am overwhelmed with joy about all the things I will get to experience. I used to feel like I was constantly racing against the clock. Now I realize that the clock is an illusion and I have a beautiful eternity to do everything I desire.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes They have gotten so much better. I can trust and love so much more easily, and I think I make other people feel good when they're around me.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I didn't really talk to anyone about it in detail until recently, so it took almost exactly 6 months to fully recognize and understand all the things I saw during the experience. For a while I had convinced myself it was just a very bad flashback, until I was drawn to reading stories of other people's experiences and realized it was exactly in line with my experience and the unexplainable spiritual ascension I started experiencing since.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience For a year or so before this experience, my CPTSD was so bad that I was in a constant state of dissociation. I was barely functional or present and was having amnesic blackouts/losing lots of time. That really started to change after this event.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I've always been somewhat sensitive, but since the event my gifts have exploded. I have lots of premonitions about people and the world around me that have come true. I get messages and visits from passed loved ones. I have inherent knowledge of personal details of strangers. I have a spirit guide that talks to me and helps me make day to day decisions.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The entire experience is meaningful.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes It was six months before I could really process what happened, and after it came flooding back to me, I wrote about it and shared it with family and friends. At first I was worried they would not take me seriously, but I think they see a genuine shift in my Happiness and energy which makes them believe. I'd like to think I've helped the people around me have more hope in good things.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I had very little knowledge - I knew what they were but hadn't read into any details. it was only months after the experience I felt drawn to researching NDEs and realized that I experienced one.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was probably real It was really hard to process, and somewhat traumatic. I have struggled with mental health for a long time and was worried I had just totally lost it. But my intuition told me to trust myself.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real There's been so many unexplained things that have happened to me since the experience that only solidify my faith in the realness of it as each day passes.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I am so grateful that I experienced this so early in this lifetime.