Pam T NDE

Experience Description

I was at boarding school. Dad was a soldier in the British army and my school was in West Germany. I tried to end my own life. I can remember taking a whole bottle of drugs. I cannot remember anything else until I found myself in sick bay.

I had been going towards a very bright light and there was such a feeling of pure unjudging, all-encompassing love. It was wonderful.

But then I woke and it was like someone had pressed my body back onto the mattress of the bed. I distinctly remember the mattress springing back, as though I'd been released. I was left with the feeling that I had caused hurt and sadness and must not think of doing it ever again because I had to live my life.

I have never forgotten any of it and I now have no fear of dying. I do have a feeling of worry at the thought of leaving my beloved animals because my death, will result in their death. I have animals who could not be rehomed due to extreme age or mental issues resulting from extreme abuse in previous homes.

If I was not responsible for these animals, I would welcome death.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 1970

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No. Suicide attempt Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. I knew that I had caused sadness to 'someone' by my attempt to take my life. Who that someone was, I have no idea. I have never believed in gods, but there was someone or something who was very upset.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I woke

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning. I had no sense of time.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. by 'vision' do you mean 'eyesight'? Or the sense of something 'otherworldly'?

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I don't recall feeling that it was any different.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain. I was fixated on the pure light that I was heading toward. I can't recall a tunnel.

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Pure, bright but didn't burn my eyes. It was not like sunshine, but something else.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Some unfamiliar and strange place. I was just 'somewhere else.' Where I was at, there was nothing else or nobody else there. There was no scenery. There was a bright light all around me, but concentrated ahead of me. I was heading toward the light.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I felt loved; such pure, all-encompassing love that I had never felt before or since this experience.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of No return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist. I come from a family of atheists.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Atheist

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. As a family, we didn't believe in gods or mythical beings because they weren't logical. I still don't believe in them. But, there is 'something' and my late father also acknowledged this 'something' despite him also being an atheist.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Uncertain. I simply don't know what I experienced. In later years, when I was no longer a self-obsessed teenager, I developed an interest in spiritualism; particularly because I have experienced things I can't explain.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I experienced the beautiful light and the feeling of unconditional, pure love. I also felt sadness that I'd tried to kill myself. I have no idea where the light and the love came from.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain. I experienced the beautiful light and the feeling of unconditional, pure love. I also felt sadness that I'd tried to kill myself. I have no idea where the light and the love came from.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain. I had caused dismay to the source of light and love. I was left feeling that I should never again try killing myself. I felt that however bad life ever got, I would work through it.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? No. There was the light and the feeling of pure unconditional love and a sense that

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes. I the feeling of unconditional, pure love. It was around me and within me; it just 'was' if that makes any sense. I have not felt this from my late Father or Mother, siblings, subsequent lovers, or spouses. It was different. The best I can explain it is, it didn't love me because of anything such as if I were pretty, generous, or because they were happy to show me off. I was unconditionally loved.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? No changes in my life

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? No

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I have always 'seen' and 'felt' things. My earliest experience happened when I was less than 2 years old. Whether I became more aware of this afterwards, I can't say, but I did tried to end my life.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes decades later. I recall the topic arising in conversation and I mentioned my experience. I can't recall to whom or where I was, but I knew the listeners were skeptical.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. To understand how I felt, I have to explain who I was. I was a 15 year old, self-absorbed teenager who was interested in boys, clothes, music and fitting in. Both parent were undemonstrative with love and were not into touching or holding. I was afraid of my father. I was a soldier's daughter. I grew up independent, self-sufficient and used to travelling, meeting strangers, a nomad. I'd experienced many things, from grenade training in school, hearing grenades going off, and being aware of the dangers. Yet, this experience was completely outside my life experiences. I'd never heard of past lives or near death experiences. I didn't believe in gods or other mythical beings. My attitude was like my father's, 'if I can't hit it with a spade, it doesn't exist.' I knew something very strange happened and I didn't have an ounce of doubt that it was real.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. I remember clearly what happened. I've missed feeling loved.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes At odd times over the decades, when life was almost unbearable, when I slept, I dreamed of being loved. I recognized the feeling of overwhelming, pure, unconditional love as the one I'd felt years previously. I would wake with a sense of disappointment that I woke at all. Yet I felt optimistic about the future and my ability to get through things.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Only that it raised more questions than answers.