Ryan M NDE

Experience Description

I was in school, skipping class with two of my friends by hiding in the bathroom waiting for teachers to leave the hallway. My friend showed me the 'pass out game' by choking me until my vision started to go black, like ink blots dropped on my field of vision as blood vessels popped in my eye. I stopped him, but he kept strangling me against the wall for a second time. I reportedly fell forward limp and struck my head on the urinal in front of me on my way down. I began having a seizure. I was like a fish out of water flopping everywhere. Both of my friends watched me confused and frightened until the second one gave me a strong kick to my torso.

I remember my vision fading to blackness and feeling that I was swirling and rising in the dark. I looked down and saw a strange object far below me in the darkness. It was writhing in a way that 'looked wrong.' This was a sensation I had while viewing it, and not a distinct thought. I flew down toward the object only to see that it was my own body that was dying and seizing; it appeared as if I was doing rapid sit-ups with no regard for my safety or attempt to brace my head. It looked sickly wrong in the way that viewing a contorted broken bone looks unnatural and painful. I flew into my body. At this moment, I snapped awake and jumped to my feet. Apparently I looked like a bewildered wild animal.

My friends were laughing and I felt very confused, unsure of who or what I was. I quickly fainted and fell backwards, before I was standing again and looking around wildly with eyes entirely blood red. I stared into the bathroom mirror at myself, unsure of what I was looking at. I had a feeling of dissociation from self that still troubles me. Slowly it returned to me that I was alive. I was a person and I was Ryan. My friends excitedly told me I had a seizure and 'flopped like a fish out of water' after fainting and hitting my head. I was still very confused, and walked to my locker to gather my things and walk home.

I was a shy and quiet child. To my knowledge, no one noticed the bumps and bruises all over my head after this incident. I walked home about two miles and never told anyone for several years. I never have received treatment or diagnostic information of any kind. When I told doctors and my parents this experience they brush it off and say 'you seem fine now.' I have never been fine however; although I have been deeply motivated to be kind to others and pursue a career as a therapist as a service, I have always been troubled and struggled with my own mental health. This experience left me feeling profoundly confused and fascinated with death. I have always pondered its significance, and wondered if I have wasted my second chance at life.


Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: Spring 2005

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident Direct head injury. Choked, passed out and received head injury from fall. I had a grand mal seizure.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I watched myself having a seizure and knew my body was dying; my peers present confirmed to me at the time of the experience (and several years ago when I reached out to them and verified their memory) that I indeed had a grand mal seizure I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal This was my only experience of viewing myself from outside my body. Since then I have had experiences of altered perception, such as my vision becoming distorted in ways that things look like a funhouse mirror or having hallucinations while on drugs or having a serious fever or nightmare, but never any out of body experience.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I was floating outside my body in darkness and knew I was watching myself die.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No

Were your senses More vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My vision was altered in the sense that I have never viewed myself from outside my body or experienced such a sense of total blackness and void.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I do not remember any sound during this experience

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Some unfamiliar and strange place I was flying through total darkness. The TV show 'Stranger Things' has some scenes that looked similar to my experience, with one individual visible in otherwise total darkness.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? A sense of total detachment as I floated through the darkness, and a difficult-to-describe emotion upon viewing my seizing dying body that this looked sickly wrong, unnatural

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? No

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Atheist

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I have never believed in a God, any religious teaching, afterlife, or soul/spirit. The void felt consistent with my beliefs but the out of body experience does not. I have always questioned what could explain the experience and have felt a sense of wonder about death.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Uncertain I would not say a universal oneness so much as a universal nothingness.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain I certainly did not experience a divine entity, only void. There was no light, no comforting presence or sense of meaning or journey or afterlife. I only had the sense I was going from being something to being nothing.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife does not exist Yes There was only darkness, and a sense that I was a disembodied presence that had left my body. However, it did not feel as though I was entering a new realm of any kind, only pure void all around me

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Unknown fascination with death and desire to understand it. belief that we make our own meaning because we do not have some 'grand scheme' meaning, and that is ok. A sensation that I was somehow different which has always persisted. Possible neurological damage, though unknown because I never received treatment.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Uncertain I started using drugs and developing more severe depression and PTSD symptoms afterwards, after already having PTSD as a child, so I am unsure if this changed me or I have always stuggled to feel normal and connected to others.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes It would be easier to talk about than to write about.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. I have always struggled with memory, perhaps especially due to the years of mental health problems drug use and these head injuries. I cannot remember most of my life but have always remembered this experience. I reached out to the two peers present recently and they confirmed the events that occurred. One apologized for 'murdering me' the other for not getting me help.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? I have a sense that I need to make something of my life to justify getting a second chance when so many others die tragically

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I first remember telling friends and then parents about 5 years afterwards as I was beginning college; I think it took a long time to process the events enough to share. I have tried discussing with my wife and friends a few times over the years since, but people have mostly had nothing to say, told me I'm an idiot for letting it happen or lucky to survive and be apparently intact, so I have mostly stopped talking about it. I always hoped I'd meet someone else who would understand and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was probably real I think I was too overwhelmed and confused to process the experience but the first time I remember being able to think about it, it felt very real but I was unsure whether this was a spiritual experience or merely from some chemical brain processes

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I have no idea how to explain the experience. Maybe it's brain chemistry, maybe spiritual. I wonder if I will ever know or get to return to that place.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Nothing quite like it, but fevers and some drug use has had powerful alteration of my consciousness

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? No, thank you

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? No I think this was excellent and thorough