Sandi T NDEs

Caution, describes extreme domestic violence.



Experience Description

I've had several NDEs, but I've written about three.

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(The O.B.E. NDE)

Sometime between the ages of 5 and 7, I died. I was strangled, and the woman went too far in her fit of rage. I was taken to the hospital since I was unresponsive. They attached me to all kinds of machines. The doctor was furious, saying they had abused and killed me. He put me on an EEG machine to try to prove that I had brain trauma caused by the strangulation.

They performed extraordinary measures and got my heart to beat again. However, as I remained unresponsive, the doctor argued with my foster parents to remove life support because I was brain dead. I then flatlined and was declared dead.

I was watching as I stood beside my body as this went on. I felt very impartial, with a leaning towards relief. My suffering with these people had been catastrophic. For instance, I was forced to eat dog food from the floor. They shoved a hot curling iron inside me. I was so severely raped that my uterus was 75% scar tissue at the age of 8. There were many more episodes of severe abuse, but this is enough to set the stage for the NDE.

As I stood next to my body, I was relieved the suffering was over. I became aware of a Being of light standing beside me. The Being said, 'Follow them.'

I turned back to watch the foster parents and the doctor leaving the room. I followed in their wake. We went down a hallway and through a set of closed double doors that swung open and closed behind us. We went down another hallway and around a corner to another set of similar double doors. They continued the length of another hallway to stop at an office just before another set of double doors. They went inside and the doctor and the foster parents began to argue. The Being said, 'Remember exactly what they say.' I did so, and later I replayed this conversation verbatim to those involved in it.

While they continued their argument, the Being turned to me and asked, 'Are you ready to go?'

'What are you?' I asked it.

'Don't you know?'

'No.' I wondered why it would expect me to ask a question I already knew the answer to. As an autistic person, I was (and often am still) a very literal person.

It's response was that I could call it whatever I wanted to. Most people, it explained, called it an angel or a guide; some called it a god.

'But you aren't really any of that, are you.' I somehow inherently understood this.

It expressed pleasure and pride--what we would call a smile--and replied, 'No. None of those are fully accurate, though all are as accurate as they can be for the person deciding.'

'Why can't I decide what you are?'

'You have no preconceived ideas to get in the way of your understanding. You understand that you cannot truly know me while you carry the limitations of your body. You know whether I am good or bad and whether or not you trust me. This is complete enough knowledge.'

Then the Being took me into the presence of the Great Intelligence that created everything : It is everything and exists in and through and as all things. I would call it 'God', though this word has too many misunderstandings attached to it in our world to be accurate.

In this Presence, I simply stood there. I felt love everywhere. It was thick and heavy and it had a literal physical presence. This Presence was exquisite and magnificent. I also felt its gratitude for all of humanity and for all who must suffer in this place. It had weight, presence, and form. It is one thing I have never heard spoken of; that God is grateful to us and for us and for all that we are and do.

Then, I was taken into the Universe. I surfed on sound, I tasted colors that we can't see and for which we have no names for on earth. I experienced the fullness of the songs that the planets sing to each other and the laughter of the stars. I experienced all that is, and the wonder of what exists. There was indescribable beauty and such vast love and joy.

I returned to the Being who had led me from the Presence. I carried some of the Presence with me still and will do so orever. I was taken back towards my body by a long route through more stars and beautiful things. While we 'walked', the Being and I spoke at great length.

The final conversation went much like this:

'You don't have to go back. It's your choice.'

'If I don't go back, I will have failed. Much will fail.' I didn't want to go back, but I felt a powerful draw to do so.

'You will be loved and welcomed home regardless. You will be celebrated and there will be rejoicing and welcome.'

I looked then at my body lying there. 'I will know only pain if I go back.'

'Yes. Still, the choice to return is your own. We will not decide. We love you always.'

'I want to stay so badly.' I looked at the Being and felts its understanding and willingness to accept that.

'I'll go back.' It wasn't a choice, but it felt like acceptance and knowledge. I knew I would go back. I had promised. I had work to do even though it was really, really hard work. But I didn't want to go back.

The Being waited patiently as feelings of my pain and desperation warred with my mental knowledge and commitment. I had just spent eternity in magic, wonder, and a wealth of love and gratitude, listening to celestial songs and ballets in a perfect world.

Now I would return to squalor, abject misery, terror, and agony. And I knew it wouldn't end soon either.I did return to my body and all the inherent pain, after an exploration of magnificence I cannot even describe at all. And here I remain, for now.

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(The Strange Worlds NDE)

I have finally decided to write about another one. I suppose, with the 'strangeness' of our world, it's just the right time. I've told this in part, but not in full, and not in as great of detail as really happened.

I was under 6 years old when I had this one. My foster mother had a great liking for strangulation as punishment. She was strangling me, and I remember my world view narrowing down to a pinprick. This was the same thing I've seen at another time when I stupidly locked my knees and nearly fainted from it. As the world narrowed and moved away down my tunnel vision, I had an intense urge to keep fighting. I was past the point where I normally gave up fighting. But this time, I felt a deep urge to keep struggling.

As the world narrowed and then vanished, all I could feel was my body and hers against it as I became momentarily blind. I could feel myself slowing down, but my emotions began to cease. I was no longer afraid, and now it seemed as if my body was fighting on its own.

Then I was out of my body, standing there watching the scene. My body was now limp, and Dorothy was shaking it by the throat as if expecting more of a fight. I turned to the Being beside my Awareness, as it were.

It reached out to me, like taking my hand would seem in real life. 'Let us take a tour,' was all it communicated to me.

I glanced back and saw that Dorothy had begun to resuscitate my body. I felt worry, but not for the body. 'Will we have time?'

The sense of a smile. 'Plenty, and some to spare. Time here will not pass while we are there.'

We were somewhere else. I didn't really sense a transition, as much as just being somewhere else. I felt only awe and wonder. We were at the base of plants that were like trees but more akin to seaweed. They waved back and forth like great fronds of ferns. They were either red or gold. The red ones had gold veining; the gold ones had green veining.

Moving gracefully through them were intelligent creatures, almost impossible to explain. They glowed with bioluminescent light, though they were what you might think of as 'mermaid-like' in appearance. They were long and lean; their faces narrow, but still kindly and elegant. Their eyes were wide set, but not quite on the side of their heads. Their fingers were webbed and light seemed to move along the surface of them.

I understood that this was a different world and a different planet than earth. This world was completely covered in water, and they had no concept for earth, dirt, or ground. They lived their entire lives on the water currents of their vast world.

We sank deeper into this world, where there were more strange creatures. These creatures were similar, but less evolved. They were curious and able to sense us, where the other creatures had not. They were gentle, filled with joy and pleasure at our presence. They flocked around us, similarly to dolphins. These were of a color we have no word for. Oddly, I no longer remembered the color as soon as I returned to my human body.

These creatures lived down in the darkness where their sun could not reach, and they saw in colors that we humans cannot. They were like joyful dogs greeting a long-missing, beloved human. They made strange sounds, which I knew my human ears would never hear. They made high-pitched sounds, but these sounds were not painful. These creatures sang in these beautiful, high sounds, and the sound traveled in the water. Then I heard others of their kind return their song from far away. I could hear and understand their very simplistic song about visits, joy, and how great was their teaching.

In my human-thinking, I had come simply to see. But they believed I had come to learn and they to teach me. I went with them at the gentle urging of the Being beside me. They took me into their homes that were honeycomb-like caverns under the ground where the water flowed in musical patterns.

We swam in these caves and they showed me how much was alive around us. Algae was on the walls. Some of the caves were inhabited by microscopic life that grew in small, hard shells and created walls in the caves. Some of them were gigantic, ancient life that grew cone-like, huge shells and ate of the life that bloomed in the water. These gigantic creatures could sleep, sometimes for decades, before the algae bloomed and woke them.

They showed me the way to know when they were going too far up. I could feel the sense of 'coming apart' when they reached the limits of their depth altitude. They showed me another school of their kind, which swam around me in circles, brushed against my energy, and asked me to bless them. I blessed them and told them that they would prosper for their kindness, for their 'washing away' of some of my grief. They left, satisfied that they had given and received blessings duly in return.

The pod I was with brought me back to their own place again where we had met. They wished for a blessing in their turn. I told them that they would grow greater because they had taught me; and they, too, were satisfied.

Then we went up into space and traveled among stars and planets. Alhtough not occupied by life, each was beautiful in their turn.

When it was time to return, we came to my body almost precisely as we had left it. This was odd to me because I had just spent eternity among the strange creatures of the other planet, among the stars, gas giants, ringed planets and frozen planets, and burning magma planets.

I stood at my body and looked back at the Being. It was infinitely patient as it waited. I did not ask, and it did not make any suggestion, but I knew it was time to go back. I felt a surge of love for that Being. Then I felt the emotions of my body as I woke up coughing and vomiting.

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(The 'Download' NDE)

I was with the sadistic torturers (foster parents) from the ages of 3 to 7 years old. It was during these times that I had my NDEs.

I will do my best to make this coherent. It's sort of like trying to unpack someone else's clothing and put it away neatly in a house you've never been in before. It's overwhelming and hard to put things into logical and understandable order.

One thing I want to make sure is understood is that I did a LOT of fighting against what I was told, taught, or had downloaded during these NDEs. This one, in particular, has plagued me for my entire life. I'll try to express my own struggles over it at the same time that I try to express the messages clearly. Also, this one was a particularly fascinating NDE and there are things to express from that standpoint, which will also be a challenge.

As I rose from my body, I found my friend waiting there for me. My friend was a humanoid-shaped form of light who radiating kindness, love, and patience. We ignored the commotion of the foster mother trying to revive the body. I stood looking up at the body. Everything is 'up' from the perspective of a child, although I could clearly see everything around me.

'What is it that you wish to ask, but have not?' It conveyed the question soundlessly.

'Why?' With that question, I asked a dozen others, 'Why me? Why suffering? Why this horrible world? Why did I go back when I could leave? Why would I come here and accept such horrific things when I am a spark of the divine, a portion of the Great Intelligence?' It was a cry of confusion, anger, pain, and loss.

It held out a proverbial hand and asked me, 'Are you sure you want to know? All that you suffer now will go easier on you if you do not know.'

I pondered, searching myself. Did I want to know if it would bring me more pain? In the end, I decided that I wanted to know. I could tell that my friend already knew my decision. There was a nod, and we were off.

First, we went into the chamber of the Great Intelligence. What you might call 'god'. This was the loving, vast, incredible Being who made all things, is all things, exists as and through all things.

I received the download that answered my questions of 'why' as far as I am allowed to have those answers while here on earth. After a great length of time in that Presence, I reluctantly went with my friend. It took me to a world with two suns. One sun was brilliantly, red-gold and the other sun was a pale-white. One might confuse it for a moon, if they had only known Earth's skies. But in that place, I knew it was another sun. It was smaller than the greater sun, but greater by far than our own sun. Both suns were many millions of times further from that planet than our sun is from ours.

This planet had vast cities, unlike anything here. There were magnificent, towering edifices that were gleaming with crystalline shine. They were not built, but rather grown in a process I do not, and did not understand. They were teeming with life, not merely the intelligent species of that planet, but with animals. Some of these animals were climbing creatures who nested far up in the tops of the great hollow houses. Even as I watched in wonder, they launched themselves off and glided from one vast pinnacle to another; scurrying up the side and disappearing inside the houses. They were similar in body to flying squirrels, but their faces were more like ant eaters; though this is an imprecise comparison because no such things exist.

It was joyful and beautiful. The intelligent beings who lived there were filled with laughter, Happiness, and sublime contentment.

I understood immediately the fullness of life on this planet. I could see when it broke apart from a sun, spinning and cooling and collecting debris; until the first of these creatures heard itself laugh and understood the sound for what it was. In that moment, self-awareness was awakened and the seeds of civilization sprouted.

These people were golden-skinned and willowy in appearance. The were somewhat similar to humans, although their faces were more softly defined and rounder. They wore clothing, but it was to express themselves as the clothing had no other cultural or physiological purpose. They danced and wove cloth through the air. I wished to go closer and learn more, but it would have been disrespectful.

I was brought to another planet where the people lived in sprawling huts that were far apart from each other. These people were not like what I expected of intelligent species. They were not bipedal and used their feet much like hands, although their 'back legs' were hooved. They curled their hands into fists to run, and there were hard protrusions on the backs of their knuckles. Perhaps this was where my innocent childhood belief that I could, too, grow up to be a horse came from. Though they did not look like horses, or any earth creature.

These people were joyful, peaceful, and lived in harmony. They were very attuned to the planet they lived on. They spoke of the planet and to the planet. There were two other intelligent species there, and all three lived together and worked together in a strange symbiotic manner. The tents these creatures lived in were made by gentle, ape-like beings, and the ape-like beings were carried on the bellies of the four-legged beings. The third race of beings were ape-like as well, but more similar to humans in their faces; without the prominent forehead of Cro-Magnon humans, but not as softened as modern humans.

The third race of beings could see us, and raised their hands in greeting. This prompted the others to do so, as well. It was a strange sight. We bowed and sent them blessings before moving on.

As we went from place to place, I saw wonders everywhere. I was shown non-intelligent species. I was shown splendors of every kind, like waterfalls and being taken into the heart of a burning flame. I skimmed the surface of a sun, playing in the shifting energy and heard its jubilant joy at giving life to so many wonderful things.

It was the most joyful, beautiful, wonderful, amazing experience anyone could possibly have. The size, the scope of it cannot be expressed. I met with incredible, spiritual beings like my attendant, friend, and my guide. They all were filled with contentment and joy.

Everywhere in the universe was great love, dignity, respect, and compassion. It was so exquisite that I can't contain my tears as I have a diminished capacity to remember this experience because this is all that my brain can encompass while in this reduced, small, and limited form. To go fromwhere I was and into this has been almost unbearable. To truly know what lies beyond and to know beyond all doubt that it is magnificent and fantastic beyond all conception, makes living here, in this form, so hard. I try not to think about it. Another reason I have rarely spoken of my experience is that it makes me yearn ever harder to return to it.

After a great deal of time exploring, seeing beautiful and wonderful sights, we stopped in space near a nebula. Nebulas are even more beautiful than they appear in photos.

'That is the answer to your question.'

I understood that everything that we do here on Earth, all that we are, all that we experience, allows creation to exist. Every beautiful thing, every wonderful being and creature, whether on earth or in any universe, relies upon people who are on the extremely rare places like Earth.

The Great Intelligence (god) is a paradox. It is completely loving and fully unlimited. Which by the definition of paradox, means it is impossible? It cannot be limited only to love; it cannot be limited to only being unlimited; or it is not unlimited.

Earth is a place where the unlimited becomes limited; where the singular becomes many. Here, it can know community and loneliness. It can know heartache and hope. It can know all which an unlimited being of pure love cannot. It can conceive and perceive evil; which in truth it cannot do this either. To solve the paradox, it must experience helplessness and limitation and all as it is Real. In this place, it is all so REAL.

So what is free will? Free will is the option to come here to help solve the paradox of 'god'. To be all that we are not, so that everything wondrous and joyful may continue to exist. So that love itself may continue to exist. So that the Unlimited is not limited to being only unlimited.

Why are the answers always, 'simply to exist' and 'to choose love' and 'to learn how to love'? Because all you need to do, to solve the paradox, is to exist. And as we exist here, each time we choose love, we expand the universe. Love is life's longing for itself. Despite the reality of what we live, even the darkest souls among us cannot help but to reach, to yearn, and move towards goodness and towards love.

For love is the true nature of who we are. And when we experience horrible things, the question 'why' comes to mind because it is the central question of love, life, and of this world. The answer is 'so that all things might continue to exist.'

Every soul chose to come here and to suffer because of love. Each soul loves the universe, loves life, and loves this world and ALL of the worlds. Each soul loves ALL of the people so immensely and intensely that they chose to come here so that all the universes may teem with beautiful, joyful LIFE.

Every creature that I saw, acknowledges that your life gives them the gift of life. And when each soul goes 'home' after they die, they will know the rewards of their own gift, too. The 'reward' for their sacrifice will be joy, love, and feeling incredible, wonderful, beautiful joy at the LIFE and the LOVE everywhere in the universe.

When you go home, you meet your own soul. You willingly came here to forget yourself. You willingly came here to save every beautiful and wonderful thing. By suffering what 'god' cannot, you give the gift of life.


Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: between 1975-76

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes During violent abuse (strangulation). Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function)

My foster mother at the time, enjoyed using strangulation as punishment. She had learned child CPR so she could resuscitate me after she had taken her rage too far.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I followed my foster parents and the doctor out of the hospital room, down a long corridor, through double doors (which closed behind them). They went around another corner, further along the hallway, and through another set of double doors which also closed behind them. They entered an office and closed the door. There, they proceeded to have an argument. When my NDE was over, I told them what I heard, word-for-word. The doctor was shocked and I remember him holding my hand. My foster parents were enraged and called me demonic. The doctor verified that what I repeated to them was what was said. My foster parents acknowledged it as well. But of course, they considered it to be because 'demons told me' this.

I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. There's no comparison, really. The difference is something like how I am in this world when I'm almost, but not quite a asleep. then I start to dream and know I'm dreaming but can't do anything about it. And over there is like when I've had way too much coffee and am practically buzzing with energy. I was me, but I was so, so much MORE of ME.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I couldn't say, really. I was incredibly aware and alert the entire time. Immediately upon leaving my body, I was more alert and aware than I have ever been otherwise.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning

I was outside of Time. I spent eternity playing there. When I returned here, only moments had passed. I was not synchronized anymore with Earth's time.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could see everything around me. It was 360 degree vision. But I could also see above and below. I could see on a subatomic level. I could see on a cosmic scale, although I couldn't have articulated this until I got older and had the language to describe it. I could see colors, but I could also see smells. I could see how something would feel. I could see into time and I could see through things.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could hear everything. I could hear the sound stars make; I could hear sounds so low that nothing on Earth can hear it. I could hear sounds at extreme high pitches and it brought me only joy and not pain. My ears are very sensitive on Earth.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes I did, but it was more of an impression of a tunnel. It was more like teleporting. I would say 'Travel' when I wanted to be somewhere and it was almost instant.

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes I was in the presence of the Divine higher power. It is what we call light. It is so much more than that, but it is definitely light. Just as sunlight is, it is a prism of every color and coalesced into love.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm. I was in the spiritual existence, which is like a cocoon that Earth resides in as a tiny part of it. It was just 'over there'. When we die, we go back to pure spiritual existence, but we can still touch and interact with most of the physical universe. We DON'T interact on Earth because it would be disrespectful. This is one of those 'how can you explain something we have no concept of?' moment for me. I was here, but I was there. It's not another realm, but it like I stepped out of phase with time and the Earth. So 'no' would be an acceptable answer... but it wouldn't be, because I was still in the physical universe while I was also outside of it. It's literally impossible to express accurately.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I felt immensely loving, and completely loved. I felt connected. I felt gently and tenderly humbled (not humiliated). I felt tenderness towards everything. Such incredible tenderness. I experienced a feeling of tremendous honor and awe. I was awash in a vast sea of joy. I experienced unimpeded laughter of sheer and unhindered delight.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I knew and understood everything in an instant. I visited planets and I knew everything about their societies in an instant. About the history of their world. I knew about 'respect' and why it's the single most important thing in the entire universe. That respect is equal to, if not greater than, love. To disrespect another is simply unthinkable on a spiritual level. It's not a 'crime' or a 'sin', it's just 'No one would EVER. What a bizarre idea!' There were things I didn't know, but I knew that I didn't know them and that it was perfect that I didn't.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future I did see some from my own future, but not really as 'this will happen' but more as promises. All but one has come to pass. I was shown future struggles of the world. I almost clicked 'no' because I'm not intended to give them out, and it seems lame to say, 'Yes, but I can't tell you.' A bit rude, even. Suffice it to say that the upheavals and struggles people are afraid of will pass. When I was told that there would soon be a generation who would be more 'spiritual' but far less 'religious,' it did not seem remotely possible to me. I was told that the trend would continue and eventually the world will be 'loosely monotheistic' with religions becoming conduits for altruism and churches would be about connecting and forging friendships instead of places of 'external worship', which is what they call religion.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Protestant I had no religion really. I wasn't taught anything as my foster parents considered me 'retarded'. I was told Jesus doesn't love 'dumb animals' [like me]. I didn't really have a concept of 'god' that I can recall before them. Or even after them, really. Understanding that it was 'god' I met happened later.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I tried to be Christian, but I couldn't find 'god is love' in the being described in the bible. I tried to be buddhist, but the whole 'nonattachment' business just didn't work at all with my NDE downloads. Earth is a sacred experience; we aren't supposed to live our lives trying to escape.

What is your religion now? Other faiths- New age I am a panentheist. I believe that the higher power is in all things, through all things, as all things, and transcends all things. It is loving, aware, and interested.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I chose the last because I didn't really have any beliefs at the time. I was too young and also nobody had taught me anything because they considered me too stupid to live (much less learn). So basically, I don't know how to answer this question.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I can't really answer this question, so I'll answer another one. It definitely changes how I interact with the world and with people. How I interacted with religion, and how hard it was for me to leave the religion I was raised in. Perversely, it also ensured that I could never have stayed in that religion.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin There was a being 'guiding' me, which communicated to me. It did not 'speak' as we think of it. I experienced the Presence, which was not exactly a being, in the way we think of people being a body that takes up this and that much space in physical. It was an Awareness, an Intelligence that was everywhere. It also communicated, but again, without words. As soon as we entered what I have termed 'the chamber' I understood that this Being is everywhere, everything.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I was told that I chose to come to Earth before I did. There was other information, which I don't wish to disclose. However, I was given a sort of a 'parable?' of my soul choosing to incarnate on Earth. There were many other souls there also, preparing to enter the 'portal of birth' and live human lives.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes Yes. We are both self-aware, but also a spark of the divine. Think of it like being in the air. The air around you is the air around you... but all of the air everywhere is the air. It's all the same, even though you're not immersed in all of it. We are all in the universe, a part of the universe. You can't separate a part of the universe from the universe because everything is the universe.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes I was taken into the presence of the Divine Intelligence. I knew It, and It knew me. This actually caused me a lot of problems when I de-converted from Christianity. After I was taken from my foster parents, I was raised Seventh Day Adventist by my mother's parents. I struggled to leave because I absolutely knew beyond all doubt that there is a 'god' and that It is absolutely loving. Not a single doubt of either.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes Only because most have forgotten it, not because of anything special about me. I know about our purpose here, but I still fight it. I still cry, and rant, and wish I was 'over there' again. I still rage that my soul chose such a mind-bogglingly difficult life. I hate it sometimes for what I see as arrogance in doing so. It chose to suffer, but it feels like I (the awareness) am the one who suffers and it feels unjust. I often wish I didn't know.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes I have gone into full detail in the NDE. I will thus be short here. We exist to solve the paradox of an 'unlimited, loving god.' It cannot be limited only to love, or it is not unlimited. Yet it is, indeed, limited to love. It cannot be unlimited, but create a stone it cannot lift... Unless it can. We are the answer to that quandary. We experience the 'rock I cannot lift' as REAL. So 'god' experiences limitation AS REAL, through us, with our (spiritual) permission. Since we ARE a part of the Divine, it is experiencing it as we do. Your purpose is to exist. Everything else is gravy.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes I was given my O.B.E. to help me understand this. I was also told very explicitly (the information in full was downloaded to my mind. Part of it was locked from my ability to understand it until later, but from the beginning, I knew beyond all doubt that we do not cease to exist upon death).

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes People have both far too high, and far too low expectations of themselves. Set your goalposts higher. Stop beating yourself up. Try not to say anything to yourself that you wouldn't to someone else, especially not someone you dearly, tenderly love who is hurting. You're a person, too.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes We are never alone, even when we feel like it. There are many souls around us to support us. Your pets do indeed have souls, and they did indeed come here to serve you, in great love, as companions. We are able to handle what we come to experience, but we are loved dearly and deeply whether we do or don't. They know it is hard; indeed, only spiritual Heavyweight Champions come here. The work of being here is known to be the hardest in the universes. If you are here, no matter how awful, useless, small, worthless, or bad you feel... you are spiritually immense and one of the most powerful, greatest beings to exist anywhere. When we look at those we call 'angels' with awe, it is to them like the Greatest Monarch to ever live is looking at the town pauper in awe. It's borderline absurd, but they do know that you've forgotten yourself... still. The imagery is amusing. That of an elephant cowering and groveling to a microscopic ant in obeisance.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes The greatest characteristic of love is respect. Do not treat others as you wish to be treated. Treat them as they wish to be treated, so long as you do not need to violate yourself or another in order to do so. Do not seek to do harm to another for your own pleasure. Love is life's longing for itself. Love is what expands the universe. Love is the very fabric of everything. That energy that scientists say is the building blocks on a subatomic level? That is Love. Everything is created from love. The great divine intelligence is love, and we all yearn for It (for ourselves). Love is the greatest expression of your true self. Those who do not love are the most unfortunate creatures in existence, for they are as far as one can be from the Divine Intelligence and still manage to exist.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Unknown Hard to say since I was a small child. However; it has been an incredibly mixed blessing throughout the years. I have always been suicidal. At first, these kept me alive because it was literally the ONLY love I experienced. The starkness of my childhood cannot be overstated. Obviously, I (nearly) died (for good). It was a very close call, and not only from the direct assaults. I was almost dead of starvation when i was removed from the home.

I have experienced terrible tragedies later in life, as well. These have frequently made staying here almost impossible. The pain has almost always felt like more than I could bear. I have intense, chronic physical pain, as well... and the 'other side' is a constant, gnawing yearning. Although, weirdly, it also gives me hope that I can get through it if I just keep plugging along. Most dangerous for me is the draw of atheism. If I could convince myself there is no afterlife, I would kill myself in seconds flat. To no longer experience anything is the most alluring thing I could possibly imagine.

Many people envy the experience, but being here, especially if you're suffering, is a million times harder when you have absolute certainty that it's better 'over there'. The only thing that keeps me plugging along in this world is the belief that I do at least have a purpose for being here. There is something of a gift in having beautiful memories to tell myself, 'This is why you're doing this.' Sadly, it's not as great a comfort as one might think, though. On another level, I know that if I fail to see this life through, there will be zero judgment, only love.

I suppose that should make it easier, but it almost balances out the sense of purpose.

I wish I could say it's all sunshine and roses, but it's not. It's definitely not. The call of the other side is the 'thorn in my side' that never ceases to twist deeper.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I mean, we just don't really have words beautiful enough. We don't have words to describe many of the concepts. How do I describe colors we don't even have the ability to see, much less describe? How do you put 'eternity isn't subject to the rules of time' into an understandable concept to people who have only ever known a world where time is considered an absolute? How do you express that 'love' isn't just an emotion, it's not just an action, it's a THING and a power with substance.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience as accurately as other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I have extremely accurate memories of experiences during that time. Quite a number of them were verified many years later. For example, my mother disappeared in 1977. I remember events which were corroborated in 1996, and then were further confirmed in 2016. Many people like to cherry-pick my memories, accepting only the ones they agree with. If only I had a similar luxury!

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I prefer not to talk about that. I was exorcised as a child repeatedly because of this. Let's just say that my intuition is 'uncanny'.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Being in the presence of the divine intelligence. For that, more than anything else, I remain here. Because of my love for It, not its love for me. Its love for us is unconditional. My love for it is unconditional, too... so far. Perhaps one day, I will still fail It. I fear this is so, but for now, I have not.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Only recently. I did once, years ago, but as privately as I could. I did as a child and was 'exorcised' because of it, so I fell silent for decades. Then I was afraid of all the accusations of 'demons' and such, so I remained silent even longer.

Most who have heard it have found some peace from it. Others feel a need to aggressively try to 'debunk' it or to ask me stupid questions like, 'Do we still drink beer and fart in heaven?' which were amusing only for a short time.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I've never managed to convince myself it wasn't real. In fact, that was ultimately the downfall for atheism for me. I just couldn't discount it. Particularly the O.B.E. was just impossible for me to dismiss. They could, but I couldn't.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real Again, the out of body experience is just something I can't dismiss. People tell me I made it up or misremember. Too many other memories, 42 years old as they are, have been too perfectly corroborated. I can't dismiss these just because it would be socially more convenient to do so. My memory has always been too disturbingly accurate for me to just cherry pick them. I'm autistic, so unfortunately, I remember things even in 'I was told that...' versus 'I experienced that...'. How am I supposed to accept one unbelievable memory and throw another away? It's not logical to me just because it is to others.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I did try psychedelics. LSD (given to me without permission), and I tried salvia divornum twice. I'd like to copy and paste the differences here, if I have room.

I attempted to re-experience NDEs though drugs. I was given LSD once without my permission, and have tried Salvia Divornum twice. I will go into far more extensive discussion here than I did previously, so it's important to understand the limitation of my experiences. The LSD trip was positive, the first salvia trip was positive. The second salvia trip was not pleasant, but not frightening as much as just not really pleasurable. Descriptions of the 'trips' can be found below.

There are very, very huge differences between the two experiences. I constantly see the argument that NDEs are induced by hallucinogenic drugs in the system. Typically, people try to use DMT as the go-to, but some say 'or other drugs in the system perhaps, which also lead to hallucinations.'

I've also had mild hallucinations while on morphine for pain. I do not take morphine anymore and asked the hospital to list it as an allergy because I detest it, largely for that reason, but also because it aroused involuntary negative emotions in me.

So, let me explore the differences. Some of these, such as ketamine, I will mention based on what I have read about people's experiences and what online research has shown me. Outside of LSD and Salvia, I have no personal experience. I have only read others' experience, and as we all know, not everyone posts every experience to the internet.

When you wake up from an NDE, it still seems real. When you come out of a trip, whether positive or negative, it was obviously a trip and that's how it feels after. Just as you wake from a dream and know it wasn't real, so do you from a 'trip'.

Similarity: In both the NDE and the trips, I did feel like I gained greater understanding and knowledge.

The drug trip takes you on a trip. When you have an NDE, you go on a journey. The difference is 'taken' versus 'going on'. Meaning one felt like it was happening to me, the other felt like I was aware, alert, and contributing directly to the experience--if not actively guiding it. I followed my guide because I wanted to, not because there was no other option.

In trips, when you meet people, they talk to you. In my NDE, the communication was complete and instant. I KNEW their sentences in less than the blink of an eye. A full conversation happened in a flash. No one narrated or spoke aloud. 'Smiles' were more sensed and known than 'seen', as well. I knew the other person's complete emotional content. Warmth, love, connection, kindness, tenderness... it was all embedded in that sense of a 'smile'. NDE'rs often use the very accurate word of 'a download' because you are given information that is not there one second, and is there completely in the next instant. Full information that would take years to write out into a library of books, there in an instant in its entirety.

The NDE ends if you decide to end it. Immediately. If you are 'over' a trip, the drug just keeps working away at you, dragging your mind back into it. There's no escape until it has run its course. In an NDE, all that has to happen is that it occurs to you that you're ready for it to be done and it is.

Speaking of which, DMT is the drug with the shortest duration that I know of that can be produced by the body and is a strong enough hallucinogen to produce an NDE-level intensity. It is not known to be produced in high enough levels at any time to do so (and no DMT has been found in dead human brains, only rats). But if injected externally with enough, it can cause hallucination.

If you are injected with enough DMT to produce a hallucination as intense as an NDE, your 'trip' will last a half an hour, whether you like it or not. People who die and have an NDE, if it were caused by DMT, would continue strong hallucinations of a psychedelic nature for AT LEAST a half hour.

People who are resuscitated have not been known to report having a psychedelic drug trip immediately upon awakening from resuscitation. The commonly reported hallucinations do not resemble DMT hallucinations, but rather brain hypoxia hallucinations (where they are typically NOT characterized by psychedelic colors and typically have memory loss. That versus the response to DMT which is not known for causing memory loss outside of forgetting the trip itself in some cases). Hypoxia hallucinations are more like micro-seizures rather than a psychedelic trip. They rarely have the swirling/ moving hallucinations of psychedelics, either.

Unlike, for example, ketamine (in which most trips reported are negative and/or frightening), NDEs are rarely negative. Most of even the negative ones leave the person feeling positive afterward and are life-altering. Most have an impact on behavior and mental state that lasts a significant duration versus post-trip clarity which usually fades rapidly.

During the drug trips, I felt very much dispassionate. I was two separate beings at the same time--I was observing myself have the experience while I was having the experience. In the NDEs, I was fully integrated and there was no 'watcher' or 'observer' part of my mind.

I was 100% lucid during my NDE, while I was not in my 'trips'. Only part of my mind was aware of the world around me in my trips, and it took me quite some time to come to awareness of when I wanted to do something when I was tripping. Even the moments that I was forced to 'lucidity' by the drugs, I still felt somewhat out of my own control and often had to disregard or ignore things that kept happening against my will (I will explain below).

My vision was not merely enhanced in the NDE, but was, for the lack of a better word, almost supernatural. Not only did I have full vision (not 360 alone--I also saw above and below myself), but I also saw colors human eyes cannot, and had synesthesia.

Anyway. I thought I'd explain some of my reasons for significant disagreement with the common assumption that it's just like a trip on psychedelic drugs.

On to the trips so that people can kind of get an idea of what I experienced and the differences and similarities.

LSD: I was given LSD by a then-friend while I was at Rainbow Gathering (I was invited by an Indigenous person to an Indigenous gathering) in the woods of Colorado. The old 'don't drink the Kool-Aid was the case for me, except she put it into the orange juice.

She did at least tell me what she had done, and it started with a quieting of part of my mind that I actually really felt I needed and did not want quieted. I felt utterly disconnected from the world around me and disliked the sensation. From there, after I asked her NOT to take us to town (she wanted to go to k-mart), she took us into town. I was too far into the psychedelic trip to argue sufficiently for myself. I was unable to counter her arguments and felt I had to give in.

In the car, I experienced the 'breathing walls' and the typical brilliant colors. I felt the melting sensation in my body and head. I didn't really like it, but I didn't hate it. I did, though, enjoy the 'breathing' look of the back seat of the car, and it did seem my vision was enhanced. While colors were more vibrant, they were not any that you can't see with your human eyes.

The journey through the store was eventful and ugly. My friend broke something, I tried to get her to let me buy it (I was raised that if you break it, you buy it). She refused and they took her back to the back room with Security and she was banned from all K-Marts for life. I sat out in front waiting for her, still tripping and struggling against the hallucinations that kept coming over me.

I did not go on any what I might call 'mystical journeys' as I did in the first salvia trip.

......

Salvia 1: My first trip on salvia divornum was extremely pleasant. I had put on some Beethoven and I experienced it with a very mild sense of synesthesia (particularly as compared to the NDE synesthesia). I could 'see' the music. I also became aware of the fact that sound actually has physical presence. For some reason, I thought this to be the most AMAZING realization. That although it travels through walls, it's physical (waves of sound). I then saw a hallucination that I was on a psychedelically brilliant shore inside a house while it rained outside. I saw the ocean as the most vibrant blue possible, the waves peaked by brilliant white, the fire crackling on the hearth as spectacularly brilliant and sinuous and slowed down in the most beautiful way.

The trip was very short, which is one of the reasons why I chose it (as well as it is legal in my state). The come-down was quite gentle. It was a very pleasant experience, but it was definitely a 'trip' and that was how it felt during and after.

......

Salvia 2: In this 'trip', I experienced the 'physically melting' sensation, which I had not the first time. I felt like the top of my head was melting off into drips like brilliant wax. I found it extremely uncomfortable. As I began to become uncomfortable, I kept imagining people coming into the room to help me. As soon as I realized they weren't really there, they vanished and the next person would enter the room.

This happened several times, upsetting me each time. It was always someone I would NOT want to have come into the room when I felt vulnerable and incapable of defending myself.

Now, it was a very uncomfortable experience, but I did finally manage to get up from the bed and go call a friend. I ended up getting quite a bit too open with him, and regret having told him most of what I did.

During my conversation with him, I remembered things I had tried not to think about and had never spoken of to another person. I realized I was doing it, but felt compelled to continue. He actually was pretty pleasant and cool about it, but it made me feel violated (not by him, just that I had told secrets that I didn't want to reveal).

It wasn't frightening or terrifying, necessarily. It gave me insight into who I did and didn't trust, and it really helped me work out some trauma around those memories I blabbed. Still, I have not done it again because I did not enjoy the experience.

....

Morphine: I was given morphine in the hospital. Previously, I had only experienced a few minor hallucinations like walls swirling slightly, or chairs moving in a sort of waving seaweed way for a second or two. However, this particular time, I felt like I couldn't breathe, and the more I tried to shake the feeling, the more intense it became. I began to search for what was pressing down on my chest. Part of me rationally knew there was nothing there, and that I was breathing, but I continued to hyperventilate and the walls kept moving in towards me in my peripheral vision.

I finally just endured it in silence, constantly forcing myself to stop trying to get the hospital gown off to stop it from choking me. I do not want to have morphine ever again. It felt like HOURS that I couldn't breathe even though my blood oxygen saturation was perfect.

.....

So, take what you like from all of that. There are radical differences from my 'trips' versus my NDEs. ALL of my NDEs had the same sense of perfect lucidity, of being REAL, and all of my trips shared the sense of being controlled by the drug, not me. They were also inescapable until their own conclusion, with me having no option to end them while the drug was still at work in my system.


Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I again can't think of anything, sorry!


Experience Description 16120

Hi Jeffrey,

As you know, I have had multiple NDEs. Most of them are so similar to each other that I don't really bother with them.

The first of these, I call, "The Womb". It's similar to "void" experiences except that I saw flashes of pink (sometimes other colors, but usually pink) like muted, dark lightning. I was floating in darkness, everything was peaceful and incredibly calm. I existed, it wasn't frightening. I felt wrapped tightly in immense love. (I think it's important that you remember I was between 3 and 5 years old--I was more 'in' my human mind in this NDE than in any of the others, but I was more like a normal, inquisitive child and without my impediments, brain damage, and autism). This one was also the result of the violence I experienced from foster parents as a child. I do not remember which punishment led to this one, but I vaguely connect being drowned and resuscitated with this one.

I could sense what I usually call my "attendant". Guide, guardian angel, whatever you wish. It was there, as a presence, but not as a being of light this time, just sort of there on the periphery of my "knowing".

I asked, "What is this place?"

It answered telepathically, "It is your memory."

Being obviously smarter than the average idiot, I said, "I don't remember this." (This makes me laugh every time I look back on it--I was IN the memory, so obviously I remembered it!) I went on, "Why am I here?"

"This was a place where you felt loved. You came here to feel safe."

I thought on this for a while. "Is this my mommy?" (I was five, btw, so Mommy was a perfectly fine word).

"Yes, but not this one."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing for a while, just floating in the peaceful weighted darkness. There were pink flashes again, and I asked, "What's happening?"

"Light is coming."

"Am I getting born?"

"No. This is the womb of creation. This is your way of understanding it."

"The first time I knew I was me." (It made sense at the time)

"Yes. The first time you knew yourself. The first time you felt love."

"That's when you know yourself? When you know love, you know yourself." (I felt rather clever figuring that one out. I still laugh at the childlike joy I took in this "deep" tidbit, lol!)

At this point, although I couldn't see a body or even really sense a body, I did what I would think of as flips or cartwheels. "I exist." (Again, I felt particularly clever and delighted by this, this 'realization' filled me with immense joy and laughter).

"You have always existed, you just forget from time to time." (Now it was the attendant's turn to express amusement and great love towards me)

I hung suspended in the vast sea of nothingness, watching the rare flash of color around me. Then I admitted it was time to go, and we returned to my body.


~o~O~o~O~o~

I seriously don't know HOW to describe this one.

There were people there. I was in an adult body, a woman (I was not 'me', I was another 'body'--again, dunno how to express that). I was wearing a toga, as were all the people around me. As a child, I described it as wearing white curtains. I didn't have any idea what a toga was.

The floor was "granite" in a way, but it was basically a hard invisible surface, below which was a universe. Like images of space, galaxies, nebulas. It was 3-d, but we could walk on it. (Sorry, I know that's weird, like I said, I have no idea how to explain it). I would call the "decor" Ancient Greek, maybe? It's hard to say. White marble pillars to a white marble ceiling like a temple without walls.

It would be much like a party. Everyone was talking and calm and relaxed, happy. There were "attendants" like mine going around the party with "drinks". Beings of light.

"Come, they've been waiting for you," my attendant said after a few moments. It had been standing slightly to my right and behind. It grew larger and floated, and people moved away to let us through. They glanced at us and murmured, but went right back to their conversations after.

The interesting thing is that it was all very sedate, calm, and subdued, but I could feel the joy radiating off of them. They were very happy. I knew them all but yet I didn't. They were not ancestors of mine, they were not people I knew in person. They were, though, familiar.

We traveled (sort of a tunnel, but instant) and we were in what I call "The chamber of the higher power". The Presence.

I looked at the people around me. "What is this?" I meant the gathering of people, I knew where we were, but not why we were there or what 'this' was all about.

One woman who looked older, came to me and put her arm around me. I found her deeply comforting. "Don't worry, dear. Everything's going to be okay, but you have to hurry." She led me forward into the group, where we had a conversation that I don't remember anything at all of.

There were other such "conferences" going on, as well. It was a very joyful conversation, filled with happiness, hopefulness, gratitude... but it was also very serious and weighty. Again, I remember nothing except having the conversation.

I remember my reluctance when it came time to go back, as well.

When I was about to go back to my body, I turned and looked at my attendant. I was so, so, so deeply sad (I'm crying writing it) as I asked, "Will they find me?"

"If not, you will find them."

I returned to my body, to the pain and terror that was the only reality I knew. It was hard, and I cried that night, something I tried never to do in that place.

I don't know who "they" were, or why I was afraid they wouldn't "find me". So the NDE is nonsensical and strange. I got no real answers from it, and I have no real answers about it, I'm afraid. I may have been given information, but I wasn't allowed to retain any of it. My take on it, just a deep feeling I have that I can't explain the origins of, is that this is where we go when we sleep. We plan together in this "place" every night. It felt much more "pysical" or "concrete" to me than the rest. Almost as if this was ALMOST, but not quite IN the physical realm. Closer to being what we humans call "real" and less embedded in the plane of true reality to which we all return.

................

I had two experiences which sort of "fit in together" in an interesting way. I have often said that I experienced more "pure" NDEs as a child because I had less indoctrination. This issue of 'indoctrination' or in a word I'd consider more specific, the greater the "in-soulment", the less "true to reality" the experience becomes. These two experiences offer a bit more insight into that.

Because I already had the foundation of this concept from my early NDEs, it was easier for me to somewhat get past it later, but you'll see how in the 1992 STE, I struggled with it considerably thanks to very, very heavy Seventh Day Adventist indoctrination from ages nine to fifteen.

The STE that I experienced began at the end of a three day "fasting and praying" episode. I was rapidly losing my faith in Christianity, and I was desperate to sustain it. I went out into the woods to "fast and pray" and I actually did a water fast. I had nothing but water for three days and nights.

At the end of the fast, after I had some fruit juice as a way to begin transitioning back to eating again. I was lying on the couch and began to feel as if my body and soul were separating. I got very, very dizzy and the world seemed to fade in and out just before the experience/ vision began.

==============================================

I lay down on the couch and fell asleep, or perhaps it was in that pre-sleep twilight area, I can't be sure. I felt myself rise from my body. This experience felt very different from the NDEs. It was more like a dream, but had a different quality from other dreams. It definitely shared similarities with my NDEs, but was I was less 'fully present' in it. I felt like my human self, in other terms.

I entered a tunnel, but the transition was extremely quick. I was almost immediately at the other end, standing in the clouds. I saw a man, and thought it was Jesus. However, having been raised SDA, I was afraid. "The devil may appear as an angel of light" verse came to mind. I had just been studying the bible intensely for the last three days--and I was a particularly devoted student of it most of the time, so it was pretty heavily on my mind.

I'd been taught about how to "test demons" so I began to ask this jesus figure questions, to make sure it wasn't a demon in disguise. "Say jesus christ is lord" I demanded and he did. I announced "get thee behind me, satan!" and he just stood there smiling. "I command you in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost! in jesus name I pray, depart!" He crossed his arms and kept smiling. He kept smiling patiently all the way through my repertoire of "demonology" attempts to exorcise him.

When I ran out, he asked me, "All done now?" and I sheepishly apologized.

But then I couldn't stop myself. "You're not a demon." I knew that. I knew it on every level of my being.

"No," he agreed.

"You're not jesus?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I am if that's what you want to call me." I was too afraid of him being anything else, "You have to be Jesus." He smiled and we returned to the kind of communication we'd had when I was a child... where I knew what he was thinking, "I knew you were going to say that."

We spoke for some time about matters which were personal to me at that time (not related to religion or the like--it was about my baby). He once more had bad news for me; it was going to be rough. He also told me that it was never intended that I become trapped in religion the way I had. I had been in a very, very intense "crisis of faith" for years.

When we parted, I had personal information that came true, including that I would not remain a Christian, but that the transition out would be difficult because my fear levels were so high. Also, sadly, his statement about my baby came true.

<<<<<<.>>>>>

Many of the deepest and most troubling issues I'd had with Christianity came to light during and after the experience. One huge challenge I'd had around how I had been raised was around LGBQT issues, and the idea that 'god' would make a person a certain way and then hate them for being that way. This tied in, indirectly, to the fact of my autism and why would 'god' make me autistic and hate me for being autistic? I naturally understood that this extended to others who had things about them that they couldn't change.

This conversation with 'jesus' helped significantly relieve the immense inner turmoil I was undergoing with regards to gay people.

A decade later, I had the most recent (and last, to date) NDE. I was in the laundry room, doing laundry, when I stood up too quickly and the world began to draw away from me, down a tunnel. I dimly realized I was getting tunnel vision (I had locked my knees once and almost passed out, so I now had a name for the phenomena). I saw the part of the world I could see get tinier and tinier and in a dim part of my mind I thought, "Crap, I'm fainting."

I watched as the washing machine came towards me in that far distant pinpoint that the world had become, and then everything went black. I was later informed by my doctor that my blood pressure had gone so low that I wasn't getting blood to my brain until I fell over and it sort of ran into it. My heart wasn't able to push blood to it.

I've told the following story before to some people, but I always told it as a "vision", because I didn't want to talk about NDEs with them.

((I don't like to tell this NDE. It seems to me as arrogance, because the 'angel' [soul] in the following was 'me'. That being said, it's a representation of ALL humans, so I want to make sure that this is understood. In the places where I say 'me' or 'I', it actually is YOU. It was about me, but it wasn't JUST about me.))

o~O~o~O~o (begin)

I don't remember leaving my body on this one, I just remember being in the tunnel of light for a moment, then I was once more in the clouds. This time, the person who greeted me was in the form of a Buddhist monk. (I was interested in Easter Mysticism at the time). He was sitting in the lotus position and smiling at me. We greeted each other as old friends. Once more, I acknowledged, as I always seemed to do, that he was not what he appeared to be, but was rather a spirit, a soul, a being... not truly definable using earthly language.

I then told him that I was struggling with the concept of "free will" from a spiritual perspective. He told me that he would show me, in the form of a ("parable"--though I don't really like parables, so I more interpreted it like "Eosop's fable", where a truism is given in a story form, which I suppose a parable is. However, Eosop's fables were much more direct and their 'message' immediately decipherable, no confusion is possible).

The scene below us changed from clouds, and we were watching a scene below us as it played out. It looked like a vast sort of train station, or bus station. One whole wall was lined with 'ticket windows' where you could go up to the window and purchase your ticket. People were buying tickets and then going to the portal, which was "birth" into various worlds (according to your ticket's destination).

At the top of the 'ticket booth' was a description of where the booth sent you. It was an archetype of what kind of life you would lead. I knew it was just a representation, there's FAR more to it than that, but this was just trying to get the concept across to me. So each label was describing a life archetype.

The lines were longer the closer they were to the 'entrance' to the train station. At the far end, though, there were several windows with no one in the lines at all.

As we watched, an angel (a being with wings, gentle, beautiful, and sweet, but with an unmistakable aura of immense power) came in. Around her neck was 'proof' of her vast experience. She had a chit on the end of a necklace. It was a sort of 'honor' medal, a ticket to any life of any kind, anywhere. She could choose a vacation incarnation at any destination at all.

She held the chit in her hand as she walked. The people in the lines turned to stare and whispered about her. She was like a celebrity, and they were all amazed at her, in awe, staring and gawping and excited. Such souls were rare, and it was very exciting to them to see her there.

She passed all of the 'exciting' and 'fun' and 'holiday' type incarnations. She got to the end and turned to go back, but then stopped. She looked at the last two lives. The very last. No one at all stood at either. She went to the far end, and placed her chit on the counter, pushing it towards the angel working that station.

He shook his head. "You don't want to do that," he advised. "You'll fail. Even you would fail this one."

She nodded. "I know. But I have to try."

He looked sad. "You're going to waste this on going to such an impossible life? Why?"

She shrugged back, "Someone must. Why not me?"

He protested once more, but slid the ticket to her. She took it and held it as tenderly as she had held the chit a moment ago. She marched up to the portal of birth and resolutely held out the ticket. The angel working the portal shook his head. "Why would you do this? You're going to fail."

She smiled, a wry, sad smile. "I know. But someone has to try."

"Very well," he told her and accepted her ticket. As he stepped aside and held his arm out, she stepped forward, took a deep breath, and leaped into the portal.

The other angels left their lines and gathered around to stared into it, watching. "She's going to fail," one of them said. "But someone had to try," another repeated her words from earlier. "What if she doesn't fail?" someone else asked, and they grew hushed and watched more closely.

The clouds returned and we sat together in silence for a while. He was a jolly, smiling monk, and I was me, just me. I couldn't see that radiant creature from the story in 'me'. "You should get back if you're going," he told me.

I looked at him. "Everyone expected me to fail."

He nodded. "Even you. You most of all." Then he continued, "Your life was supposed to end a long time ago. You decided to keep going. We still expect you to fail, but you've already surpassed what you originally intended."

I basically replied, "Thanks for the vote of confidence," to which he just laughed that jolly monk laugh, and I returned to my body in a pool of bloody vomit. Nice transition back, thanks for that, my monk friend.