Sarah A Probable NDE

Experience Description

I was home sick with COVID-19, I had been diagnosed by my family physician. I had caught it a week ago almost to the day, probably from going to the market the Saturday before last Saturday (March 28, 2020, about a week and a half before the experience). As the days went by, I was having a harder time moving. I was bedridden and exhausted, coughing way too much.

The day of the event, I had a serious coughing fit. Nothing like I had before, it just kept going. I was light-headed and queasy, and it felt like I was coughing up my lungs. I don't remember fainting or even falling asleep, but I was suddenly able to get up and stand at the foot of my bed. I was trying to run to the bathroom in case I was hacking up blood or vomit.

Instead, the room was cold and still. Behind me, I heard horse hooves come to a stop. I didn't hear them approach, but I heard them stop. When I turned around, I saw the Coiste Bodhar.

It was beautiful. I mean, it was really something. It looked hand-made, but by a master craftsman. It was made out of some sort of wood that was blacker than any would I had ever seen, but it didn't look like those tacky plastic black wood you find in Halloween decorations and it wasn't painted. It was just naturally a very, very dark wood. The coach itself was quite small, almost resembling a Victorian baby carriage.

There were two panels on either side of the door, and a lip that ran halfway across the coach, and they were all trimmed with dark metal. It wasn't cast iron; it had the texture and reflective quality of gold but it was black. The doors had ornate Celtic knots made of cast iron on them, and what looked like a tiny carved vine swirling off of it to serve as a handle.

Everything was very vivid. I could see the wood grain and the small scratches in the metal. When I turned to see the four horses pulling the carriage in pairs, I could see there dark brown nearly-black fur and each individual hair on their legs. I have no idea how the whole coach managed to fit in that tiny room I was in, but it did.

Down from the driver's seat came a figure in a black robe. His hood was pulled up, but there wasn't a head inside. The robe itself looked like it was made of decaying black canvas cloth or wool. It was thick and had large threads, although it wasn't jet black like the coach. The robe was dark, but where it was worn down it looked more like a charcoal gray. The figure spoke to me.

I don't remember the whole conversation. I remember that he told me that a peaceful Underworld awaited me, and that I could choose to come with him now if I wanted to. He said that I could also choose to stay behind. Whatever happened, he would be back to take me to that same resting place. He seemed to imply that whatever I did in life, no matter how big or small, would eventually burn out. It felt very much like that poem Ozymandias, where the author talks about how the glorious city is long gone and entirely forgotten.

This sounds scary, but it didn't feel scary. It felt peaceful. The air was cold and smooth, and it hung like a comforting blanket around me. I felt like time had stopped and this charioteer I was speaking to was an old friend come to bring me back home. It was actually really nice.

Of course, I was thinking about how I really wanted to continue training for my cybersecurity career and help contribute to the EFF in their efforts to use the internet as a way to create a fountain of knowledge that couldn't be burned down like the Library of Alexandria. This was a work I felt called to. The figure even nodded gently when I asked whether this was something I could achieve, or something like it. Choosing to live felt really hard, because in that moment, all I wanted to do was embrace peace. I've always felt like life was hard, but here I was being offered relief.

Then he got back into the coach and drove away through the walls. I realized that the room had a blue tint to it, while he was there that faded away. The air felt like it was moving again, and I sat down at the foot of the bed.

I would have written it all off as a dream, even with me waking up sitting at the foot of my bed - but I was cured. I wasn't coughing. I didn't feel exhausted anymore. I could walk around. I no longer tested positive for COVID-19.

I don't really know exactly what happened there. I'm an Irish American. I recognized the Coiste Bodhar from our family folklore. I knew what it was. It wasn't quite what I was expecting to see, but I wasn't surprised. If anything, it felt like an epiphany, like of course that's what would be waiting for me after death. The whole experience gave me some amount of clarity, whether it was real or not.

I wonder if that peaceful Underworld is the same as the Gnostic paradise, or the same as Hell? I know that Hell was originally just a name for the Underworld and even used to translate Hades and Sheol. I wonder if there is a natural explanation, but the entire experience seems to defy any conventional logic of mine.

I said that I'm a minister on the form because I have my own coven, and I'm the leader of it. Traditionally, this would make me a priestess, but I feel like 'minister' is closer because I don't have a formal education in theology. After speaking to a few of my coven-mates, many of them believe in an Underworld. I found that interesting.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: April 8, 2020

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Illness Life threatening event, but not clinical death Hypoxia, a lack of oxygen. I was unable to breathe and passed out from the disease in my lungs.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I felt like I could see in more detail and I was more aware of everything going on both inside and outside my mind, a lot like a state of gnosis.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When speaking to the rider.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning The entire interaction felt like it happened when time had completely stopped, it was as if I was outside of time.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could see in more detail, like specific threads in sheets or bumps on walls, almost like I was looking at everything with my face held close to it even though I was far away.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was like being in a cave, where far-off sounds were loud but near-by sounds were muffled.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Some unfamiliar and strange place It looked like the regular world, but it felt like I was somewhere else. Almost like I was in between one world and the next, as odd as that sounds. It was like I was in an antechamber with the door behind me still open.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Peace. Tranquility. Calmness. Acceptance. I also felt like I was somewhere I belonged, and like I was returning home.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt no longer in conflict with nature

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No Very briefly, I

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life I was offered to ride the Coiste Bodhar and leave life behind, but I told the coachman that I chose to stay.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Other or several faiths Cainite Satanism

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I've become more interested in Irish Reconstructionism and planned a trip to Ireland. Nothing has changed too much, but I think it will.

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths Cainite Satanism

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience It wasn't inconsistent, but it wasn't consistent, either. As a Gnostic, I believe in personal salvation through understanding, and I wasn't sure if I had ever really achieved that. The Coiste Bodhar as a psychopomp really never factored into my religious beliefs, and I was more inclined to view the 'next world' achieved through salvation as something that I literally couldn't comprehend rather than an Underworld. I also erred on the belief that I might be completely destroyed, and cease to exist in oblivion, since that's another way of interpreting both the 'lake of fire' for those who worship Satan and the Gnostic process of self-dissolution.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I guess I'm more inclined to believe in an afterlife now.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I saw the coachman of the Coiste Bodhar and had a conversation with him.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes It felt like there was a much larger machine behind the curtains, figuratively speaking. It seemed like the place I was headed to was just some small part of a much more vast cosmic reality, all working together in harmony.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes Some sort of Underworld deity was referred to in passing, as somebody that would stop by every now and then to say hello and make sure everyone was doing alright, kind of like a host. I thought it was the devil, or Satan, and this felt right and wasn't denied, but his name was never given that I recall.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife probably exists. It was an Underworld where my ancestors supposedly awaited me, according to the coachman of the Coiste Bodhar. He seemed to imply that this was a place somehow specially set aside for me, or that I had earned my entrance into in a way that I couldn't (or wouldn't) be able to lose. The word 'Underworld' was not used, but it was referred to as 'the cave of the land of the dead.' It seemed to be a peaceful place where not much happened, akin to a quiet country town where everybody gets along and knows each other. There was an implication that it existed in a greater afterlife, but that whatever was outside of it was for other people. I was told that Heaven does exist, and that I wouldn't be going there, but that few people made it into Heaven anyway and it wasn't actually that much better than alternatives. Whether this was the Christian Heaven, or some other analogue to Heaven, I was never told.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Uncertain I'm remembering more details as the questions pop up. The conversation I had was rather long. I probably spoke to the coachman for hours about a lot of things. I think he did seem to imply that Hell as a torturous afterlife was something that you had to be condemned to by a deity that you gave the power to put you there, either by giving it your soul or by submitting yourself voluntarily to its judgment, and not something anyone could (or would) force upon anyone.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Uncertain It seemed to imply that my challenges and difficulties are fleeting, things that I opted into as a novel experience to pass the time or something, but nothing concrete.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life I feel like much of my anxiety is gone. I feel like I'm taken care of now. I don't have to worry about whether I've condemned myself to eternal torment, or whether I've accumulated too much bad karma. I can just live my life. I think there was this fear of the afterlife that sat with me, because I'm a Satanist and everyone likes telling me how horrible Hell is going to be when I get there, and it was getting to me without me ever noticing it. But now I feel like I know what awaits me after death, if anything, and I'm not afraid.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Uncertain I don't feel like I can convey the way it felt in words. It's a lot like walking into a candlelit room, or going into your office at night, or being alone in normally crowded space. It felt different in a way that I can't express. It felt liminal.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience as accurately as other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I remember it as much as I would any other conversation. In that sense, it felt like just another ordinary event.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The fact that it felt cold was reassuring, because that's how I feel when I pray to demons. I used to pray to God, and it felt warm, but when I pray to demons it's cold. It's not literally cold or warm, but that's the closest to describing the feelings I can get.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it with my covenmates almost immediately and they were very supportive, but I think none of them were surprised. They seem to take it mostly as validation that we were on the right path.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I sort of figured that they were all lucid dreams, and that they were all caused precisely by whatever that individual was expecting to see. But this clearly wasn't just a dream, I woke up sitting and healthier. And I didn't expect this experience really.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It felt more real than reality. I tried to rationalize it as not necessarily being real, but it felt very real to me.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was probably not real Weird things happen. I can't explain what happened back then, but I'm just not ready to say that it was a genuine jump into the afterlife. It's a weird experience, but I would need a lot more data to be sure that it was meaningful. That's the skeptic in me, I guess.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes To a degree, astral projection was similar, but never as vivid.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? It feels weird talking about it. I feel kind of insane just talking about this. I barely believe that it happened, just because it was so strange, and I'm surprised other people believe me when I tell them.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? It seems very geared towards monotheism with questions about God without a lot of nuance for polytheism or ancestral religions or other concepts of divinity that might be more monist in nature. It didn't affect me too much, but I think that it could have been designed with these more in mind. Specifically asking about which gods or spirits might be a good addition, and maybe rephrasing some of the questions that mention just God.