Star E NDE

Caution: Graphic violence.

Experience Description

My husband and I were separated. I was in hiding with two small children, one was 16 months old. One morning, I'd had a particularly bad encounter with my husband after a morning with lawyers. I had driven him there as he does not drive. I knew that if I didn't take him to the meeting, he would not go. So I drove him. On return to the matrimonial home, where I no longer lived, he asked me to come inside. I made an excuse to avoid going inside. As soon as he stepped out of the car, I pulled away from the curb. I was shaking violently. I drove straight to my friend's house, where my son was waiting for me. Lunchtime had passed and I wanted to get him home for his nap. My friend asked me to stay. She had a bad feeling. I know now that she had an directive from the Holy Spirit, but I didn’t understand those things yet. She could see that I was agitated and she pleaded with me not to leave. But I needed to sort out my thoughts. So, I promised her that as soon as my son woke from his nap, I would come back. She reluctantly let me go.

The drive from her house to mine was only a few minutes away. By the time I got home, my son was asleep in his car seat. I had a routine when he was asleep. I would take him from the car, carry him over my shoulder to the house, unlock the front door and take him straight up to his bed. Then I would come downstairs immediately and open the garage. Then, I would drive the car into the garage and close the door. The car would be hidden and the door would be locked behind me. All that remained to be done was lock the door to the house. All of this took no more than four minutes.

As I was tucking my son into his cot, I thought how peaceful he was. A small consolation in the midst of chaos. I was just coming down the stairs when I heard someone come into the hallway through the front door. I thought it must be one of my neighbors who might have seen me come home. Probably looking for a cup of tea and a chat. I turned the corner at the bottom of the stairs and came face to face with my soon-to-be ex-husband.

How had he found my house? I thought I was hidden. How had he found me? How had he gotten here? Panic rose up within me. He had not been anywhere in sight when I pulled into my driveway and there was nowhere to hide outside. It was a street of row houses with no spaces between them. There was no lush shrubbery to hide behind. No single buildings to hide behind. There just wasn’t anywhere to hide. Where had he come from? I had only been upstairs a minute or two. I thought, 'Oh God! Help me!'

I knew instinctively that I had to keep him away from the baby. So I did the only thing I could do under the circumstances: I invited him into the living room. I went to the kitchen to put on water for tea. That would give me a minute or two to think. I knew he wanted to talk; which was the last thing I wanted to do.

The living room was sparsely furnished. I sat in my one armchair and he sat on the edge of the sofa. I was tense. My husband started to talk. He wanted me to come back to him and give him another chance. He wanted us to be a family. He could not see that it was much too late for that because he had destroyed any trust, love, or positive feelings I might have once had for him. He was begging me now, 'I can’t let you go! I can’t let go of the children! I can’t let you go!' In anguish, I thought, 'Oh God! I need your help! I can’t handle this!' Inside I was screaming!

Momentarily, I steered the conversation away from us. I was desperate. I thought he might actually leave, but he stayed. And then he asked to borrow my car. I had to get him out of my house. My husband did not have a driver’s license. He had never driven a car, as far as I knew. At that moment, I didn’t care if the car ever came back. If that’s what it would take, he could have the car. I was past all rational thinking. I asked him to have our mutual friend to return the car, and to return it in time for me to pick up my daughter from school. And then, almost as quickly as he had appeared, he was gone. I was left in a cold sweat.

It was minutes after three o’clock and I needed to pick up my daughter from school. My son was still asleep, but I would not wake him up until the last minute. I would have to get him up about ten after three. It was just about nine minutes past three when the car pulled up in the driveway. The bright sun of the afternoon glanced off the hood. I could not see the face of the driver, but assumed it was our mutual friend. The driver opened the door and he got out of the car. It was my husband! I had only twenty minutes now to wake the baby, get to school and collect my daughter. I hoped I could get the keys from my husband without letting him in the house. But he marched forcefully into the house before I could get to the door to lock it. He was carrying a manila envelope and he was angry again. He strode into the kitchen and threw the envelope onto the table. Yelling at me, he picked up the envelope and took out the separation agreement. In defiant anger, he scrawled his name across the bottom, still yelling at me as he signed. 'If that’s what you want, you can have it!' he snarled.

I had to get away from that anger. I retreated into the living room. He followed. He crossed the room and sat on the edge of the sofa. He began to plead with me not to do this to him. I sat in the armchair, like a stone. I was powerless. I hated him and wanted him to leave, but couldn't move because I was afraid of him. I could not afford to make a wrong move now. My husband came over to me and rested a hand on my knee. He was crying now, saying, 'I can’t give you up, 'I can’t give you up.' Without warning, his fingers tightened on my leg. I looked quickly into his eyes. 'I won’t give you up!' he snarled.

I watched his personality change the space of one or two seconds in front of my eyes. I had seen this before when he was drinking. But this time he was sober and very dangerous. It was fast and unmistakable, like someone had drawn a shade over the window to his soul. Before I had time to react, his hands flew to my throat and he began choking me. I thought, 'My God! He was going to kill me!' And then he said it, 'I’m going to kill you!'

I tore at his hands and we both fell to the carpet. I tried to pull his hands away from my neck, but he was far too strong for me. If I could only get a finger or two between his hands and my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I rolled on the carpet, taking him with me. His grasp loosened for a mere second. It was enough to get a breath. We wrestled some more. He was yelling and cursing me. My heart was pounding. Each time I managed to loosen his grip enough to take a ragged breath, his fingers found my neck again with renewed force. I was choking to death and was going to die. On the verge of passing out, my children flashed through my mind. I wondered, what would happen to them? Who would care for them? I couldn’t die! I had babies to care for! I lashed out with my arms and my legs and I landed a blow. My husband's grip slipped momentarily and I scrambled away from him. I had to get to the door. But he was too quick for me. He blocked the passageway to the kitchen causing me to lunge for the door. He leaped back into the passage with a glint of metal in his hand. He grabbed me and threw me to the ground. My arms instinctively came up to shield my face as his hand swung towards me. I was crouching underneath him now and one of my hands clawed at his throat. I tried to thrust my knee into his groin. I tried to bite and to kick him; anything to get away from him. We continued wrestling against each other, first in the hallway and then in the living room. There were blood stains on the carpet now. There were splashes of blood on the walls. He had me pinned to the floor and for the third time he snarled, 'I’m going to kill you!'

Although I was still fighting back, I could not breathe. He had successfully cut off my air supply and I knew that I was going to die within the next few seconds. I surrendered and all panic left me. As I slid into the darkness, I said in my mind, 'I’m ready to die, Lord.'

A pure, brilliant light engulfed me and I no longer had a physical body. But, I still existed? I had no eyes to see but I looked at everything around me. I was in the center of a vast nothingness, but the nothingness was not empty. It was completely filled with the presence of the living God. There are no words in the English language to describe where I was. I was in the middle of the Glory. Then the Lord wrapped me in His Love and held me to His breast. I was filled to every fiber of my being with His peace that passes all understanding. I felt the love He had for me. Oh my God! I never knew he loved me so much! Wrapped in that love, wrapped in the arms of my Father, I surrendered my will, my self, and everything that I was, completely and without hesitation. I was in the arms of my Father and all I wanted was to stay there forever. I told my Father that I was ready to come home.

My Father spoke words only for me. But what I can share was that He told me that giving my will, myself, and my life to him was what He was waiting for. And then He told me that He was taking me back because it was not time for me to come home yet. My Father gave me new life, physically and spiritually. He brought me back to the floor of that small living room. He released my husband’s grip from my throat and pushed him away from me. I slowly became aware of being back in the world. My entire body hurt, lying on the carpet of that living room. When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw my husband sitting a few feet away from me, crouched on the carpet. Tears were running down his face and there was blood everywhere. His shirt and pants were covered in blood and he was crying and groaning. Gradually, I was able to hear the words. He kept repeating, 'What have I done? Oh God! What have I done?' I didn’t understand why he was covered in blood. I didn’t know then that he was covered in my blood. He was sobbing with his face buried in his hands.

I was no longer afraid. I had faced death and all fear was gone. I knew I had to get him out of the house. He was beginning to babble incoherently now. I spoke and when he saw that I was alive, he rose shakily to his feet. For the first time, he seemed to notice that he was covered in blood. He became frightened. I got up off the floor slowly and stood, speaking quietly. There was little left to my voice because of the damage to my throat. My throat hurt and my voice was rasping. But I still had to convince him to leave. He begged me not to phone the police and I assured him that I wouldn’t. Whatever he wanted to hear is what he would hear. But we both knew that he could not leave with blood all over his clothes. I went upstairs and grabbed a pair of pants that I hoped would fit him. When I gave them to him, he quickly put them on, but kept his grip on the bloodied ones. He was uncertain what to do. He started to become agitated and irrational again. I was talking to him, trying to say the things he wanted to hear. At the same time, I tried to guide him toward the front door.

To this day, I do not know what made him leave. It could only have been the Lord. It seemed as though I literally pushed him down the hallway and out of the front door. I remember locking the door as soon as I had pushed him out. Then, I ran back into the kitchen so that I could see what direction he ran. It took all of five seconds to reach the kitchen window. But when I looked out, he was gone. There was no trace of him. He had vanished without a trace. That’s when my body went into shock.

There is a police report and a hospital report on this and there were photographs of my injuries. When I was taken to the hospital, a police guard was placed outside the door to my room. In less than six months, I moved, got a divorce, changed names for me and my family and went into hiding. My ex-husband, while he lives in a different country, is still alive and very dangerous.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: October 1984

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Criminal attack Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function) I was murdered by my husband.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No. I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. I do not have words to express this. It was as though every fiber of my being was alive.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I was wrapped in the arms of God

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning. There was no time. It just did not exist.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I can't. I wasn't in Heaven, so I did not see it. I was in the midst of the glory of God Himself.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I heard God more clearly than I have ever heard anything but it was talking by thought, not using my voice.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I have no memory now of passing through a tunnel but I do have memory of the great, brilliant light that I was taken into.

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Words cannot describe this.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? There are no words to express what I felt when I was with God.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will. I was told by God that I had to go back. I did not want to go back, but he gave me no choice. He did this is the most loving way.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Protestant. I was a new Christian and I knew nothing about God's Word. I had recently joined a church that taught the Word of God and I had recently been baptized. But I knew nothing about scripture at that point.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? I have become more in tune with the things of God and I hear Him clearly when He speaks to me.

What is your religion now? Christian- Protestant I went on to attend several Bible Schools, was ordained, taught in church and overseas, became the Mission leader for my church and took mission teams overseas every 10 months or so.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. I was too young in my faith to know much about what the Bible says, so what I experienced was outside of my beliefs at that time.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes My values and beliefs became dependent on God's Word and the strength of His love for me. My faith became unwavering and strong. This experience changed the way I see everything.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin.. God spoke to me. We had a conversation.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes Described in my narrative

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes. God showed me my purpose is what drove me to Bible School, ordination, missions, trips and more.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists. Having a conversation with God confirmed to me that there is life after death

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Uncertain. God is love and we are to follow His example. If we love others as He loves us, our lives will be meaningful and full.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I experienced God's unconditional love in all of its glory. I cannot describe this.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life Meeting God changes everything!

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I did not talk about this for nearly twenty years and I have told only two or three people about this. Part of what made it difficult is that being with God left such a longing to be with Him that when I came back, my very soul felt like it would tear in two with the severity of the longing. I almost could not contain that longing, and it lasted daily for ten years.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes My experience has given me great compassion and the ability to love greatly. My experience propelled me to l learn as much as I could about God and the Bible and has empowered me to move in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes It was 20 years before I shared it for the first time. I have shared this only a handful of times. It was just too personal to talk about, especially when I was still trying to come to terms with the longing to go back that manifested in my physical body and in my soul. I told only people who I knew would be sympathetic, people with their own experiences with God.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. I can't. I just knew it to be true.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. As I have come to know more about the Bible and about God, I understand that this life is just the training ground for the life to come.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Yes

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I have removed relationships from my life that were hindering my spiritual growth. My solid relationships have grown stronger.