Susanne G NDE

Experience Description

The bus driver was pushing the brakes too hard. I went flying through the aisle and was stopped by being wrapped around a hydraulic bar that connects the drivers cabin with the door. I was carried to the hospital by an ambulance as they suspected I had a fractured rib. It turned out that I sustain and injury causing massive inner bleeding and the destruction of three inner organs. At 2.00am in the morning, I was rushed to another hospital that was equipped for severely injured persons. When I arrived at the trauma room, I lost consciousness.

The next thing I remember was seeing myself lying on a narrow stretcher and barely covered. At the base of the feet was a big metal circle; it was a CT scanner. There were people on both sides of the machine. Their shapes were vague in contrast to the clearness of the CT scanner. Nobody was moving. The room behind can't be distinguished and it is dark and quiet.

I wondered, where am I if that's my body down there? I'm am both, a patient and a bystander. I'm standing about three meters away from the stretcher, on the border where the darkness begins.

My body is struggling for air. The collar is tight, but that's not the reason. I'm lying there helpless and exposed. Distress is so obvious, that I feel it at this distance. My arms have been pulled above the head and fixed in and unbearable position. There's no escape. My body is weak. The six figures around the CT are faceless and seem like they are frozen in place. I thought, 'If they don't help me, why don't I help myself?' I watch everything feeling strangely detached from the scene.

There's a repeating noise that continues to disturb the quietness. I don't feel concerned, but I do know about the urgency of the sound. The body has no pain, but I feel that something is wrong. I feel they are losing the fight for my life.

As I realize that I am dying, I surrender to the inevitable.

A shadow is shifting from the right between the table and myself, between the two parts of myself. It resembles a human being, but it doesn't have anything of a human. Whatever it is, it has a message for me. I call him a shadow, because I can't find another term. He is similar to myself but he doesn't have any mass or form. He is also not transparent. I'm not scared of the shadow, but I know that it isn't real or a healing visitor. The darkness tightens around me.

I can't sense if the body is still alive or not because I am no longer connect to it. The last safety line has been cut by the shadow; it must have been him.

New crystal-clear feelings are flooding me. What had been loneliness changed into security. The feeling of exposure (the last real feeling in the trauma room) became a feeling of security. Fear changed to confidence. Everything that had been oppressive and painful before turned beautiful and light. It was as if a veil was pulled away from my existence.

The alarm sounded and the scene starts moving. There are only men standing around my body, but one in particular stands out. He is standing at the head end of the stretcher and radiates a soft authority. He is older, slim, with a fuzzy bush of hair on his head, and sad eyes. I never will forget him as I thought that this man has already seen too much. He is the only one with a discernible face.

He lifts his head and looks directly into my eyes. It was as if he knew a lost soul was standing there. He smiled softly.

I don't know where to go. I don't know anything and even the shadow has gone. I believe that he delivered his message. Even though I don't understand it.

What remains of myself is completely calm. A feeling of boundless freedom and clarity overwhelms me. Peace enveloping me like in a warm blanket. What holds together the physical world doesn't count anymore. I'm very naturally a part of EVERYTHING.

Nevertheless, I feel some agitation around the stretcher. One of the faceless beings is standing near the IV pole. I watch as a person coming from the right side, injects a golden liquid into the infusion bag.

In the darkness, a gate appears on my left side. The round arch is very beautiful, simple and sublime at the same time. The light within outshines everything. It has nothing in common with the declining cone of light above my body. The light is a beacon of hope in the darkness. I am attracted to the gate and I'm gliding toward it. I am leaving the inanimate figure on the stretcher behind. The pull is overpowering. I want to touch the light.

When waking up in the ICU, the realization hit me hard that I was back in my body. Not only is my body in enormous pain, but it is too tight and too weak.

My transition had been denied. I was just on the threshold of leaving and then something yanked me back or pushing me away. I can't say exactly what. That wasn't my decision. There's only one thing that I know for sure, a part of my soul had been lost at the border. Maybe that part managed to cross over? I had like a glacial feeling of a loss, that can't be compensated. I feel an overwhelming regret that in that night I wasn't allowed to continue my way to the end.

I still feel that regret. But, I am also curios to know what is hiding behind the curtain of light. My therapist once asked me what I wanted to find there. 'A Universe,' I told her.

My body and soul have been reluctantly reunited, but they don't match. It's like a color shift in a printed picture. The printing plates have the same form, but overall, the picture remains shapeless and blurred.

If this text has a flaw then it is the linear narrative. In my memory, everything happens at the same time. If I had to describe this with the limited possibilities of our language, I would say it happened at the speed of light with slow motion. Until today I have no idea how many hours it was from the moment I passed away until when I woke up in the ICU.

I know that I actually had been in a CT scanner because the procedure had to be repeated several times to check if the inner bleeding had stopped. Those times I could hold my arms up on my own, the sandbag wasn't needed anymore. Sometimes I remember the face of the doctor even today. His smile was comforting, as if he wanted to say, 'It's okay, you can go.' I feel sorry that I had no opportunity to tell him this.

Many weeks afterwards, I was searching on the hospital website for this man out of pure curiosity. I found his picture, deeply hidden in the data base. I never met this man, before the accident or later on.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 14.10.2018

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident Life threatening event, but not clinical death Following an accident, I was treated in a public hospital. Only by chance they discovered life-threatening inner bleedings, as they wanted to send me home at first. With blue lights switched on I was rushed to another hospital equipped with a trauma room. It was there that I lost consciousness. What at first had been diagnosed as a fractured rib turned out as severe multiple injuries with several inner organs involved. I lost internally a lot of blood; my kidney had been practically torn in two parts. As far as I know I had not been reanimated, but I was told later in ICU by a doctor that it had been very tight.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes Beside the stretcher, with my body, a doctor was standing. I was standing (not hovering) some three meters away. The doctor lifted his gaze and was looking me straight in the eyes. Later I found his picture in the database of the hospital. I never met this man personally, not before nor afterwards. I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I felt the whole universe in myself.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? While I watched myself dying and when the archway appeared.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I was hearing an alarm, I saw doctors around my body, became aware of the shadow and saw the archway. Everything happened at the same time. In this context time had no meaning anymore.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Suddenly everything was crystal clear. No more questions, all had been answered. I was One with the universe.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Sensitized, more alert and listening with care.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain In the darkness surrounding me I saw a gate appearing. It appeared out of the blue. I wanted and needed to glide towards this gate. I'm not very sure if you can describe it as a tunnel.

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes The inside of the archway radiated with a wonderful light, pure and bright. It can't be compared to any light I ever seen before. It was attracting me.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? At first I felt the distress of my body. A strong emotion - why nobody is helping. Then indifference, I can't do anything. Then the most beautiful feelings of the universe were flooding me. I was weightless and free.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I was One with the universe, and there had been no open questions anymore.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Catholic

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No

What is your religion now? Christian- Catholic

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience Before this experience I never thought that this kind of near-death experiences could be possible. As a journalist and having been scientifically trained I was rather skeptical towards and also never dealt with this. However, I do recognize some parallels. I always had the conviction that there is more between heaven and earth than what the human mind can convey.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Despite the fact that I would have preferred to 'die' during that night. Better wording would be that I wasn't allowed to follow my path to the end. I do love life and I try to spend the rest of my life meaningfully. I'm involved in volunteering.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin A shadow shifted between my soul and my body. I only can define it as a shadow. I wouldn't want to call it an angel, even though I'm not very sure about that. The shadow had a message for me and he severed the connection with my body. So that my soul was set free.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Uncertain In the strongest moments of my experience I felt a big connectedness with Everything. I was One with the universe, not merely a part of (as I would describe this in the 'waking' state).

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Uncertain The shadow/or angel not only was cutting me from my bodily self, he also had a message for me. I believe that he wanted to tell me that this was my way. So something has to be there.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life I feel a deep regret that I wasn't allowed to follow the path to the end, in that night. This encouraged me to enjoy life much more. I have no fear of death anymore.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Due to the limited possibilities of our language. Words fail to describe adequately what was experienced. How can you tell something when the criteria are missing? Whatever I say sounds hollow, clumsy and incomplete. If it was pure phantasy then I wouldn't need to struggle with each word. For example, it is described in a too linear way, in my memory everything happens all at once. At the speed of light in slow motion, to better define it.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I could perceive and hear everything clearly and at the beginning I could feel it. I felt the pain of my body as overpowering. This ended only with the shadow and a new emotional world opened, that was so clear as I never felt something before.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? I have no fear of death anymore.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I never before dealt with this topic. After the hospital stay, physical rehabilitation and further surgery I started to look for information and was shocked about how much my experience compared with other ones. The out of body experience, the light, the feeling of peace and being One with the universe.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real in my experience I was in a CT scan and my arms had been fixed with a sandbag. That memory is the worst. In my memory a doctor looked directly at me, or rather he looked at my soul. Later on, in the ICU, I was brought several times into a CT-room (not the same one, I asked this) and I found the doctor in the picture library of the hospital. From the place on the stretcher the event never could have been experienced and described from this perspective.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real In my experience I was in a CT scan and my arms had been fixed with a sandbag. That memory is the worst. In my memory a doctor looked directly at me, or rather he looked at my soul. Later on, in the ICU, I was brought several times into a CT-room (not the same one, I asked this) and I found the doctor in the picture library of the hospital. From the place on the stretcher the event never could have been experienced and described from this perspective.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I'm amazed how crystal clear my memory is until today. When I woke up in the ICU I knew immediately that I had been experiencing something indescribable and infinitely precious. The feeling that a part of my soul left me, is afflicting me until the present day.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? None