Terence M NDE

Experience Description

The Historical Background:

Over my lifetime, I have often experienced chest pain. Overly ambitious gym workouts and excessive shoveling without warming up properly were often the cause. On one occasion, convinced of angina pain, I presented to the hospital emergency ward only to be sent away with the reassurance that my heart was fine. So, when twelve months ago, I again started feeling 'angina' pain, I reported to a doctor seeking a diagnosis. After undergoing an ECG, I again was told that my heart was fine. Not being contented with one opinion, I reported to my local doctor who repeated the ECG test and also reported to me that my heart looked fine. However, my local GP, a very thorough doctor, thought that he had heard a slight heart murmur. My local doctor then booked me into the the heart center for more specialized testing. The results of stress testing and an echocardiogram indicated that I did have a heart murmur, which they attributed to a less than perfectly operating heart valve in my left ventricle. Many people have heart murmurs, I was told. So, when 'angina' pain periodically reoccurred again over time, I simply rested, and breathed deeply. It always went away.

The Angina Warnings:

In the morning of December 24, 2015, I decided to swing an axe in order to cut out some invasive Tipuana tree roots that threatened the foundations of my home. After an hour or two of vigorous work, all without a warming up period, I started feeling phantom chest pains again. Should I go to my doctor? It was Christmas eve after all. Didn't he have seriously ill patients to worry about without me concerning him with my pectoral muscle pain? My normal remedy worked. Deep breathing and resting soon rectified the problem, or so I thought. Besides, I had already made Christmas eve arrangements and didn't want to jeopardize my best laid plans. After a pleasant Christmas eve with my partner and her son, I felt the 'angina' pain again. It was around 11 pm now and I excused myself to use my normal remedy method. Once again the pain subsided. Minutes later, as I was about to go to bed, I decided to reach over the back of a cabinet to unplug my mobile phone charger from the lowly-positioned wall socket. This time the angina pain re-appeared with more intensity than usual. All my quick fixes seemed useless. I couldn't lie down without the pain increasing. I couldn't sit up either. Putting my head between my knees seemed to help slightly. Deep breathing did little or nothing to ease the pain. I called my partner, who asked if she should ring an ambulance. 'No' I thought, remembering my last hospital visit some thirty years earlier for the same reason. However, I conceded that perhaps she should drive me to the hospital emergency ward; just on the off chance I might have something more serious wrong with me.

Arriving at the Hospital Emergency Ward:

After a fifteen minute drive to the hospital, the pain got worse. I knew something was wrong. Positioning myself in different positions in the front passenger seat had not helped. Upon arrival at the car park, I walked with difficulty the short distance to the emergency ward entrance. The time was around 11:45pm and being Christmas Eve, there were only three patients awaiting attention. I approached the counter to give my particulars to the office staff and advised them that I was having an angina attack. Naturally they had heard this many times and smiled at me as they continued to take my particulars. However, a passing emergency ward nurse, upon hearing my remarks, quickly opened the door to the ward and whisked me into the treatment area. A quick ECG indicated nothing was wrong. 'Here we go again,' I thought. The emergency ward doctor wisely decided that further tests were required, advising my concerned partner within my earshot that I would be kept overnight for observation. I was by this time in hospital garb and my sweat soaked clothes were removed to my partner's care.

The Cardiac Arrest:

It was midnight now. The emergency nursing staff, who were not immediately involved in their duties, were celebrating the incoming Christmas day with nibbles and soft drinks. I was wheeled into the x-ray department for further tests. I had been given an angina tablet, just in case and all seemed to be OK. The bed moved less than two meters as I recall.

Suddenly, there was no ward, no me, not any 'thing' – just brilliant, golden light as if reflecting from beneath a sea of seamless and endless golden clouds. The feeling, that no 'one' was feeling, was ecstasy, bliss and perfect peace beyond any earthly description. Not even one single thought intruded upon this ecstatic awareness, sublime in the extreme. Words fail to do justice to this experience that no 'one' had. There was no 'I' having this experience. Time ceased to exist. The 'duration' of this near-death experience (NDE) cannot be said to be either short or long. It was as if it happened outside of time: As if time stopped as soon as the brain shut down and started after the return to consciousness of an existing 'self.' When did that return happen? Was it when blood started to flow to the brain again? There is no way of answering this question beyond mere speculation. Or... is there?

The Return:

Then voices immediately started intruding into this heavenly paradise in an annoying way. 'What is your name?', 'How old are you?', 'Where do you live?', 'Who is the Prime Minister of Australia?', 'Do you know what just happened?'. The 'I', who was being annoyed by such silly questions, was suddenly back in my body. 'Leave me alone' I thought. 'I want to get back to where I was'. Of course, the 'I', that artificial identification with name, form and ego boundaries, which were indoctrinated into my psyche since birth, now featured prominently in these thoughts. With the return of blood flowing to my brain, courtesy of the marvelous emergency ward doctor and two broken ribs; I was 'I'-ing and 'My'-ing again. Still, that magnificent feeling permeated, to a much lesser extent to my consciousness. I had great difficulty taking the questions and the situation seriously. 'What is all the panic about? Don't these people know that dying is a wonderful experience?' My only concern was dying without telling my partner that I loved her. Uttering these words came with difficulty. Yet even this difficulty was not troubling to me. The three hours, that the wonderful emergency ward staff expended in stabilizing my heart's rhythm by using powerful infusions, passed in little more than an instant. Later, I discovered that the doctor had directed my resurrection by phone. I kept drifting in and out of beautiful, visual remembrances of that golden light. Time seemed irrelevant. Then, I started to return to that awful state called normal existence. I became aware of being wheeled into an ambulance with that lovely lady doctor who confessed to being the one who broke my ribs. She was escorting me to the University Hospital Coronary Care Unit for expert monitoring during the critical period of my recovery.

After Thoughts:

My NDE has raised some thought provoking questions that demand deep consideration.

• Is 'unreferenced' awareness always present, even after death?

• Is the brain simply a medium for deluded awareness in much the same way modern multimedia deludes the viewer into absorption by the plot and imagery of the digital presentations? At some unconscious level, albeit temporarily, doesn't the digital media rely upon deluding the viewer into believing the projections to the movie theatre, PC laptop, or tablet screen to be real?

• Isn't it the gating input to the amygdala from the deluded mind that which, whilst often not directly causing it, at least enables the amygdala arousal which produces our emotional experiences rather than direct sensory stimulation?

• Was my NDE the result of the temporary shutting down of the producer of the multimedia projection equipment that we know as the brain?

• If so then how are the feelings, experienced during my NDE, generated without either sensory inputs, or those inputs stimulated by thought triggering the emotional centers of the brain, even if these emotional centers are still operating during my NDE?

• Assuming the brain is shut down during total cardiac arrest, how are memories of the NDE laid down and retained in the brain during the NDE for later recall?

• Or is there a memory system operating that is not dependent upon the normal brain functioning; i.e. a non-brain function based memory system that records the NDE for future recall after 'resurrection'? Perhaps Professor Stuart Hameroff would have more to say about that. Perhaps the micro tubules within the neurons of the brain have access to some quantum field based system of memory storage and recall after all. Of course this is pure speculation on my part.

The Thinking Game:

Existential anxiety would seem to me to be a function of negatively conditioned thought. Such negative thoughts, whether or not conducive to enhancing survival chances, would seem to me to be the source of delusion that totally precludes, subverts and overrides that blissful awareness experienced during the NDE; the awareness that underpins all conscious awareness. It would seem to me that all deluded thought underpins the exclusion of the blissful experience of the NDE from normal brain states. Is there any thought that isn't deluded to some extent at least? It would seem to me that any thought that relies on a reference to a deeply conditioned belief in the existence of an independent self, is bound to diminish this blissful awareness experienced during a NDE. Thoughts that are not referenced to this belief in the existence of this independent essential self, would appear to me to be few and far between, if experienced ever. Perhaps Buddhist enlightenment is the complete loss of this conditioned, deluded belief in this independent self. If all belief, conditioned or otherwise, is lost during the brain shut down during an NDE; is this what frees the awareness to be that of our true natures as being all loving as espoused by some religions?

Unconditional Love:

Certainly, the feelings experienced during an NDE could be described as the experience of pure unconditional love at its very essence. Such love if emanating from a human being would be very attractive, would it not? As a result of my childhood rearing, I tend to be very anti-social and fearful in nature. I don't make friends easily. After my NDE, my conditioned self-centeredness largely left me for the period of the five days that I was in hospital post my cardiac arrest. During this period, my concerns for self, whilst not zero, were greatly diminished. When aroused from deep restful sleep, I felt great compassion for the lovely young nurses who apologized for disturbing my sleep to take temperature and blood pressure readings. I did all that I could to reassure them that they were helping me and not the reverse. I'm an old man of 73 years. Yet these young nurses picked up on this very temporary selflessness at some unconscious level and were impressed by it in a purely unconditional way. One nurse, speaking of another nurse, told me that this other nurse just 'loved' me. Another young nurse had a tear in her eye when the time came for me to go home and I gave her a fatherly hug. She asked that I pop in to see her when I came back to the hospital on any subsequent visit.

Paradise Lost:

As much as I would love to take some credit for this temporary bond that formed, I cannot. Unconditionality underpinned this affection, nothing else. Sad to say, this unconditioned selflessness soon disappeared from my consciousness as the existential pressures of the world and my delusions resurfaced in all their overpowering intensity. As time passed bye, my formerly conditioned sense of being an independent entity that craves recognition and respect, reasserted itself with all its demands for constant vigilance in the face of the ever present threats to the well being of that mind generated and illusory ego-self.

The Fear of Death.

One side effect of my NDE has been a reduction in my existential fears of dying. I certainly don't want to die. But dying now seems to be so natural and not to be feared. What is there to lose - the constant struggle to protect, maintain and enhance that imaginary ego at every contingency? Money? Relationships, all of which must sooner or later surely pass? The Buddha talked about the eight worldly concerns of pleasure, pain, gain, loss, praise, blame, fame, and disrepute that plague us all. The struggle to maintain the four worldly concerns that appear to enhance our well-being whilst avoiding the four opposite worldly concerns that detract from it, is what appears to me to be threatened with extinction after death. But who is it that is threatened – exactly where is this imaginary self to be found? I certainly didn't have any reference to one during my complete cardiac arrest caused NDE – not even a thought of any kind.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: 31/12/2015

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Heart attack Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function) Myocardial infarction accompanied by 15 minutes of clinical death. Two broken ribs as a result of resuscitation treatment. Infusion of powerful blood thinners administered by the doctor.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal Heightened awareness beyond space and time. Absolutely no 'I' or self. No 'subject' nor 'object' giving or receiving the Absolute Love. There was Just Heightened experience of Divine Love, Ecstasy and Peace.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? The instant after my brain shut down.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning. There was NO TIME or SPACE or direction!

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. No comparison is possible in any way shape or form. You need to have the NDE experience while brain dead to realize the inanity of this question.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. No comparison is possible in any way shape or form. You need to have the NDE experience while brain dead to realize the inanity of this question too. All 'KNOWING' is beyond the brain's earthly knowledge.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Luminosity pervading infinity without dimensions

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm See previous answers.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Absolute ecstasy, peace, DIVINE LOVE

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe There was no 'I' or 'you' and NO THOUGHT nor brain to think or understand anything nor was there any desire to do anything other than 'heightened Awareness' to stay immersed in the all-pervasive Divine Love.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Buddhist Extensive experience, daily meditation, prior experience in Brahma Kumaris Spiritual University, Chinese Chan Buddhism, Advaita Vedanta Hinduism

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I have given all established religions away. I now see that all duality, implicit in most if not all religions, is ignorance personified!! When I seek to 'pray' I see it as seeking a conversation with my infinite Self to discuss my Coming Home! I would call this true non-dual spirituality.

What is your religion now? Hindu Since NDE trying to make sense of my experience studying: Analytic Idealism Dr. Bernardo Kastrup PhD., PhD. Swami Sarvapriyananda, Rupert Spira, Dr. Donald Hoffmann PhD.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. Our very essence is AWARENESS. We are all avatars in Mind-At-Large's Universal dream experiencing that dream from a perspective of ignorance of who and what we really are. Universal Consciousness is the Ontological Primitive and there is no other!!!

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes See previous answer to Q 49.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes See previous answers

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes See previous answers

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes Our very essence is AWARENESS. We are all avatars in Mind-At-Large's Universal dream experiencing that dream from a perspective of ignorance of who and what we really are. Universal Consciousness is the Ontological Primitive and there is no other.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes For six days after resuscitation whilst in the Coronary Care Unit prior to discharge from the Gold Coast University hospital there was an obvious absence of any preoccupation with a 'self' to the extent that the primary focus was on the welfare of others. I felt Love emanating out of every pore of my skin. I was a 73-year-old guy whose body was rough around the edges. Yet the young nurses were strongly attracted to my bedside. Why? I somehow had brought more than a modicum of the Universal Divine Love back with me. How? I do not know! It seemed like self-preservation instincts had left me. My ego was 'dead'! All fear of death had left me. Doctors warned me of the likelihood of having another myocardial infarction. I couldn't care less. A stent and an arterial balloon catheter expansion amused me during the procedure carried out with my full observation of the video equipment function. However, upon discharge and the return of my daily responsibilities the ego was activated and slowly returned to my pre-NDE strength. However, at 82 years of age, I no longer fear death. In fact I look forward to it.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes AWARENESS or CONSCIOUSNESS never begins or ends. It was there before 'I' was born. It will go on after 'I', that is brain conditioning, ceases to be. This is the specific information that is now, as a result of the NDE, FACTUAL BEYOND DISPUTE. In my earthly existence, I am Awareness dissociated from Universal Awareness(Mind-At-Large). I am here to experience being human and all that entails. I am NOT my body or brain functioning. I am one dissociated avatar amongst a great many in this Universal Dream that is 'life on earth' and all that this dream conjures up.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes Our very essence is AWARENESS. We are all avatars in Mind-At-Large's Universal dream experiencing that dream from a perspective of ignorance of who and what we really are. Universal Consciousness is the Ontological Primitive and there is no other!!!

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Although suppressed by the ignorance of the ego, all is LOVE! Nothing else needs to be said. 'Beauty is Truth, truth beauty, - that is all ye know on earth and all ye need to know.' from Ode to a Grecian Urn - John Keats. I now understand Keats and what he was trying to say in his famous but mysterious poem.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life I rigorously endeavour to have two hours of meditation every day from 6 to 8 am. I now place a lot of importance on introspection in exploring the very essence of infantile programming that underpins what fear driven emotions behind negative thinking and absence of compassion and love of my fellow suffering human beings. I need a lot more of this and to explore the causes of the phony sense of separation that causes this estrangement from my fellow humans. Meditation upon the NDE experience bridges this sense of separation!!

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? more empathetic, considerate, loving and caring. A complete and deliberate personality change. My aim is to become as selfless as possible without causing suffering for others. Yes

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes No words exist to describe the magnificent, indescribable experience. It is now obvious to me after the NDE that the 'ego' is dependent totally on brain function programmed by life's experiences. The instant the brain shuts down the 'Awareness' that underpins and experiences the 'I' of the ego, is free to merge back into Universal Consciousness, that is Divine Love beyond any earthly understanding.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience The memory of my NDE is as vivid today as it was after awakening after resuscitation. It has inspired and driven me to seek out more from science and philosophers of renown in an effort to make sense out of what is beyond the senses!

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Yes. The realization that all is and exists in Awareness - the Universal Dream.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes 2 weeks. I discussed my NDE with Assoc Professor Rahman. He was amazed and asked for a write up of my experience for his colleagues. He vehemently redressed me when I questioned his diagnosis that I was clinically dead with no brain function whatsoever. I asked him where was the repository for my experiences while I was dead? He could not answer me. This prompted his request for my report on the experience. Of course I complied with this request. See my post of this document to an earlier question.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I had read several authors on the subject. Dr. Sobam, Dr Raymond Moody, Dr Kubler Ross etc,

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. The heightened state of awareness far exceeded that my 'normal' earthly state of awareness.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. The implied inference behind this question that time should cause the memory of the experience to fade away. Please have the experience using brain inhibiting experimental drugs under supervision and you will not ask this question of someone who has had the experience like I had. I KNOW what I know - it is not a memory that fades away. It is the KNOWLEDGE of MY VERY ESSENCE.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? No

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? No - You have been very thorough and professional in your work.

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