Theodor W NDE

Experience Description

Because of the prolonged care of my former partner, I was on the edge of exhaustion. I had done the care in our home almost completely by myself. Finally, there was help from an outpatient nursing service. That lasted for almost a year. I had a very close and intimate relationship with my partner. We were also very open with each other about psychological and emotional matters. Half a year ago, there was a point where he (Rolf) was at a point where he was ready to leave, that is, to die. And I agreed to take care of him at home.

There were some critical situations and several hospital stays. At the time of the decision, however, I was also already in an advanced stage of an infection, with a severely damaged immune system. So it was the decision, 'You or I – who is first!' Since it is my nature to stick with what I had planned, I gathered all my strength to continue to properly care for and support my partner. My knowledge as a naturopath and nurse helped me with that. I was able to apply natural healing methods at the same time with the, then optimal, conventional medical applications.

Later, Rolf got daily infusions. Even some transfusions, and all of that in his familiar environment at home and usually I administered these myself. I had also had experience with terminal care since I had taken care of both my father in 1975 (at the age of 20) as well my of my maternal uncle in 1979. I had cared for both until they died at home.

In June 1991, Rolfs condition became worse and worse, he became blind so I read for him daily for a long time. But his general condition was getting worse every day, especially the blood count. He had to get more transfusions now. For safety reasons, we had tried to do this as an outpatient in the clinic but that was very hard on him. Therefore, despite the big risks and some medical hurdles, I decided to do the transfusions myself at home.

This was much better, however, his condition went downhill despite all medical efforts. Rolf also experienced this very consciously. Strangely, I could calm and comfort him. He felt at home and safe through my presence. We also talked about a life after death, in which he did not really believe. I, however, firmly believed it.

On June 21, 1991, in the early afternoon it became clear to the nurse but also to me that Rolf would die 'today or tomorrow'. I asked the nurse to leave us because I wanted to make Rolf a nice farewell, as I told her. Rolf has been in a coma since the morning.

In the afternoon, I decided to die together with him.

I prepared everything as well as possible. First, I cleared the apartment and wrote a farewell letter. Then I picked out Rolf's favorite music and set the tape to repeat. I washed Rolf again and got him the clothes he had asked to put him in - a white shirt and many colorful ribbons. Then I washed myself and also put on loose but beautiful things. I decorated the room festively, lit candles and incense and opened both windows. I muted the phone and the door bell. Rolf already had the typical snap-breathing and it was now about 6 p.m. Days before, I had been thinking about in which way to kill myself so that we would die about the same time. Rolf had a Port a Cath system through which his infusions ran, from which I first tapped off a larger amount (100ml) of his blood. Then I slightly increased his morphine dose. Then I put myself a Butterfly IV cannula. I went to bed with Rolf to apply my injection there and to die with him there. Through the cannula, I administered myself the blood of Rolf in the hope of triggering an incompatibility reaction and immediately after that, morphine and other drugs in larger quantities. But I do not remember how much it was exactly.

Then I must have fallen asleep.

The NDE started:

I suddenly hovered over my body and saw the situation from a bird's eye view. Rolf and I were lying next to each other in bed. But I had no direct connection to Rolf. The whole thing around me happened like a movie in front of me. I saw my past life but also what happened right now in different places on earth. Like a puppet theater, I saw politicians, wars, factories, people who were busy with their problems. All this seemed so unimportant, even funny. I laughed heartily about how I, all of us, are all digging off here on earth.

Then I was pulled away through a tunnel and then I saw a bright, very warm light in the distance. It was like I was pulled there, and I also wanted to go there. On the way, I recognized people who had already died, like my grandmother and some former friends who had died from AIDS. I felt that they were very happy and they wanted to hug me all.

Then suddenly there was an angel by my side who gave me his name and said, 'I am your chosen guardian angel.' He told me without words that he was always there for me and asked without reproach why I had not called him to help more often. There were no words at this level, the understanding just happened by being open to receive. It was an incredible and indescribable experience to receive that understanding, knowledge, in an effortless manner and without misunderstandings, prejudices or other negative pressures. Everything was truthful and present.

After this realization, I stood with the angel in front of a large open gate, like a heavenly gate. Peter and my guardian angel told me that I could not enter yet. This shocked me in a way, but at the same time, I felt such an infinite good-heartedness and love. I cannot put it into words. Everything was filled with this sense of unreserved security, love and being unconditionally accepted.

I was told that I should try for a while to give this feeling of unrestricted, unconditional love to my fellow human beings in earthly life. Then everything went very fast. Without pain or problems my guardian angel brought me back into my body. I felt happy and very relieved.

It is really difficult to describe what exactly happened, because again and again the words are missing. What I am saying here is that it happened without a timeline, simultaneously and yet infinitely.

At some point, I heard the music in our room again and felt a slight pain in the left arm, where the infusion needle was still stuck. A significant bruise had formed, because the cannula had probably pushed through.

So I freed myself from the infusion cannula. Then I became more awake and realized that the body next to me was already colder than my own. I got up, staggered a bit, but still tested the vital signs of Rolf. There was no pulse and no breathing. It was dark outside but a blackbird sang its evening song right at our window. Rolf had died and his soul was now where I was allowed to visit for a very short time. I was sure, I felt it in the same way that I got the 'messages' from my extraterrestrial experience.

I lay down to bed again alongside Rolf and again hugged the already cold body. But that made me uncomfortable, I was to get up and go on living, I got an assignment.

Suddenly a big mourning came over me, how could I live on my own? Why was I not allowed to go? Some of the earthly doubts had caught up with me again, although the experience had been so strong. To capture something of it, I tried to put into written words what I had been told.

Again I put on nice music and thought that I would not call the doctor or anyone else until morning. I wanted to give Rolf and myself a little rest. This time was important for me to let it all sink in and I also somehow felt that the body still needed peace.

In the morning at 6 o'clock I called the emergency doctor, who noticed the death of Rolf and then I quickly caught up with the 'everyday life of the mourning partner'.


Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: June 6, 1991

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt Life threatening event, but not clinical death. Severe and progressed HIV - AIDS disease. In this context, I had already experienced several life-threatening situations (intensive care unit).

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes A movie took place in my mind, I could perceive everything at the same time. Then I also saw the TV evening news of the day (that I could verify later, it had really happened). I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. awareness enhancement was so huge that I knew exactly what others wanted, said or who they were. All the knowledge was suddenly there. Also, all wisdom. Unfortunately, there was no 'memory' on the way back, only the feeling remained of how it can be. But that cannot be put into words.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I floated over my body and saw all those events on earth like in a funny movie in fast motion. Also, in front of the 'gate of heaven' an infinite knowledge was available to me. I could receive all wisdom without effort.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning. It all seemed to happen at the same time, not on a linear timeline. Everything that is and everything that will be is perceptible at the same time.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I was always very open minded for everything and also very compassionate and empathetic, often I could see the wishes other people in their eyes. However, this extraterrestrial experience was infinitely bigger and easier at the same time.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. As if one hears with the whole body and feels the music and the beautiful sounds to the bones without effort and with a great sense of well-being.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes That was a relatively short section of my journey. I was not afraid or worried because at the end I already saw the light and I knew I wanted to go there.

Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Grandma was 30 years dead, but looked like long before her death when she could still walk around in 1958, when I was only 3 years old.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes A bright light that magically attracted me and then completely enveloped and permeated me. At the same time, it was like a medium in which all knowledge, all feelings, all colors and pleasant sensations were united.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm. A sphere of peace and light where individuals were present.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Only joy and Happiness.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe. Wisdom and knowledge were immediately present, as if you bathe in it and everything flows into you.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Catholic Strictly Catholic educated but not a practicing Catholic, especially not believing in the Roman Catholic Church (clergy)

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I seek the divine even more in nature and less and less in church

What is your religion now? Christian- Catholic Still a member of the Roman Catholic Church. Mostly as stated above; I find the divine in nature and in mediations, less often in prayer.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience There was no blame, at most it was considered a shortcoming. All were different but still somehow united.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin. Relatives and acquaintances who were already dead. An 'angel' who accompanied me and understood me. Peter at the door of Heaven, who received me benevolently and magnanimously but rejected me, which did not annoy me because I could accept it.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes A creator who was enthroned above all, yet at the same time in and with everything.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes A creator who was enthroned above all, yet at the same time in and with everything.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes To convey the unconditional love

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain We are to 'learn' to give others the feeling of infinite love. Our souls are supposed to mature in that way.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes There were many individuals there. These were people who had already died.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes I was told that I could not speak directly to anyone about my experiences. That's why I kept silent for so long.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes unconditional, infinite love

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Slight changes in my life Unfortunately, I am very much caught again by the earthly 'struggle of life'. I've always wanted to have more time to give room for or share this extraordinary experience in my life. (which was forbidden)

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? No

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The timelessness, the feeling of infinite love, everything and everyone is in harmony with each other, there are no restrictions, no limits and yet we seemingly remain 'individuals'

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. I remember the experience very well. But the other circumstances of the whole setting before and during the day I remember not so precisely.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I only read about NDE later and was then able to break the silence altogether. But I've rarely talked about it.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I am deeply impressed by and convinced of what has happened.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I am deeply impressed by and convinced of what has happened.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Afterwards, I worked in outpatient care for 6 years, especially with AIDS and CA patients who came home to die. In many cases I indirectly conveyed my experience that there is an 'afterlife'. I could often feel (see) when the souls left the dying body, which was always very different. I could feel better than other caregivers when death was near.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I am very satisfied and at the moment also sufficiently drained. Maybe another questionnaire would make sense after some time, for example after a year.