Toni M NDE

Experience Description

I was thirteen to fourteen years old. A few months before my stepfather had been convicted of molestation. I had been the key witness and he was sentenced to eight years in prison for his crime. My mother did not want the case to go to court because she feared for our lives if he was to be released for any reason, as he was a violent man. My mother blamed me some because I had not told her sooner and we were having problems with me being a rebellious teen and her feeling as if she did not protect me well enough from this man.

One night my mother and her new boyfriend were going to go out on a date, I did not want to be left alone, and I had a fit because I was not invited. My mother and I had a slight altercation and she left me alone anyways and went out.

After she left, I started thinking about all she had said during the fight and how she had been treating me different since the trial. And I got very mad, then very sad and finally I was tired of it all, tired of knowing that this man had stolen my innocence for nearly eight years of my life and knowing that men would always be more important to my mother than me. I was tired of being teased in school because of what had happened. And I just decided that my life would never get better and I gave up and looked all over the house for any kind of pill I could find.

My mother had been taking some nerve pills before and during the trial so I looked for them. I found the pills and some mild pain medication and some other stuff that looked like it might cause drowsiness.

I got on my favorite nightgown, I put over it my favorite shirt that had belonged to a best friend and I sat on my bed and took all the pills one by one; forty-two in all. Then I wrote a note to tell my mom that I was sorry if I made her life hard to live and that I loved her and that I hoped she loved me too. I drank what was left of the water in the glass, lay down on my bed, placed my hands across my chest, and, for all I can remember, went to sleep.

During this 'sleep' I had a 'dream' but it wasn't a dream, if that makes any sense. I have no idea what day of my coma this happened or if it happened while I was in my own bed.

All I remember was a beautiful white bright light, and the overwhelming feeling of love and acceptance. I felt like this was the best feeling I could ever have asked for. I have never felt that kind of love before or since. I knew there was someone/something there with me. This person/thing turned out to be a huge hand raised up as if to warn me to stop. The hand was illuminated and whiter than the surrounding whiteness. I heard a voice coming from the direction of the hand and it said, 'Go back, it's not your time.'

Then the next thing I remember was feeling sad again and I had something in my nose, I could hear my mother and my cousin Chris talking to each other, I don't remember what they were saying but could tell who they were. When I woke from my coma I asked my mom what Chris was doing there and she said, 'How did you know that he was here you were still out of it?' I told her that I could hear them talking. Then I said, 'Mama it was so beautiful.' She asked what I was talking about and I told her what I just told you. It was hard for me to talk because I had a tube in my nose going into my stomach it was pumping in something black.

Soon after that, my doctor came in and talked with me some and they took the tube out and then he came back and scolded me for trying something like this and that I should never do it again. Always wait one more day he said. Then he said if you still feel like doing it call me and I will be glad to talk to you.

That same day I told my mom that my heels of my feet hurt and she began to cry. It seems she had pulled me out of bed that next morning after trying to wake me up for school and she had by herself dragged me to the car. And drove me to the hospital. My feet had hit all four of the steps out of our front door. My mom was four feet ten inches tall and I was about five feet tall and weighed at least forty pounds. Heavier than her. She also told me that she said a prayer for me while I was in the coma. Her prayer was not what I would have expected, 'God please let my child live'. She instead said, 'God if her life will be better than it is now please let her live. If it's not please take her so she won't suffer any more.' I cried when she told me that and I thanked her for her selflessness.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: Nov. 1983 or 1984

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt I WAS IN A COMA FOR 3 DAYS I HAVE NOT SEEN THE MEDICAL RECORDS MYSELF SO I DO NOT KNOW IF IT COULD BE CONCIDERED A CLINICAL DEATH. THAT INFORMATION WAS NOT GIVEN TO ME AT THE TIME. Tried to commit suicide, mom found me half dead in my room and rushed me to the hospital for care. Took many different kinds of pills not sure what all exactly was there but I know there were what was called then nerve pills. For people with nervous conditions.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed

Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain I was also like light. I could not see my body but I could see that there was light all around me illuminating me from all around me.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Coma.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning It seemed like I was there for a very long time in the light then I saw the illuminated hand before me, as soon as I was told to go back I felt sadness and noticed my surroundings i.e. talking, the tube in my nose, being in a bed.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. A voice telling me to 'Go back it's not your time.' There was no absence of sound but I do not know what sounds I did hear. It was like there was noise or music but cannot define more than I know; there was no absence of sound.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes It was as if there was a tunnel of light, all around above below and side to side. It did take me a while to get to the hand described above. I know I was not walking, more like floating or swimming through the light.

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes A hand but it was a being, more than just a hand. There was something about the hand that gave me the impression that there was a person or being attached to it somehow. The hand was bigger than I was. After having time to think about it, I had the impression that it could have been God or Christ. But I do not and will not claim that it was either, I am not sure who it was. 'Go back it's not your time.'

The experience included: Light

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Bright white and beautiful like nothing I have ever seen before or since.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm I know that where I was, was not on this planet or level. I know it was somewhere else, I just don't know for a fact where. The light was warm and was like no light ever seen on earth.

The experience included: Strong emotional tone

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Peace, happiness, and love like I have never felt before or since.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No But sometimes now I think I can tell if someone has been molested or is being molested. I can sense it sort of. I'm not sure how to explain that any clearer.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control No as a matter of fact I would really like to know if there are other people who may feel like I do. I feel as if part of myself or soul is missing now and that it is there, where I went, wherever that may have been. I feel sad that I cannot feel that love here on earth.

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

The experience included: Boundary

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes The boundary was the hand, no I did not cross it. I knew the other side of the hand would be perfection. Perfect love, warmth, and happiness. I woke up knowing that I had been so close to perfect love that I wished I had not woke up.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal BELIVED IN A HIGHER POWER NOT EXACTLY GOD IN THE CONVENTIONAL SENSE CAME FROM A LIBERAL CHRISTAIN MOTHER WHO DID NOT ATTEND CHURCH THAT CAN EVER REMEMBER.

What is your religion now? Liberal STILL NOT SURE THAT I SHOULD FOLLOW ANY PARTICULAR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS STILL SEARCHING FOR WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE THE RIGHT ONE. I WANT TO MAKE AN INFORMED DESISION TO BE SURE I CAN RETURN TO THE SAME PLACE I SAW.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I am not afraid to die in a normal way now, but I am afraid that if I tried to kill myself again that I may not get to go to the same place. My life has not gotten any better in the sense that I have been depressed ever since. I have not done anything significant in my life besides having two beautiful children. But I have made halfhearted attempts hoping that it would be enough and that I could return. I feel like something is missing now that I had before this happened.

The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? No I told my mom who was at my side as soon as I woke up from the coma. She was convinced it was real because I didn't know anything about the subject before and I didn't have time to make up a story seeing as I spoke about it as soon as I woke from three days in coma.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain Not sure if it is paranormal but it seems I can guess pretty accurately whether or not someone has been molested. I could not do that before.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Feeling the true pure and complete love and knowing that when you die you do have somewhere to go

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Mother, husband, children, and some close friends. Husband believes it may have been the drugs or the lights of the hospital. Children are undecided. Mother believed me immediately, some friends think I have gone to heaven and some think it was a dream. I am hoping to convince my husband that it was somewhere because he has no belief whatsoever in an afterlife. He believes the worms are the only ones who will win in the end when he has died. But he believes that I believe and that is enough for now.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I have over the years wondered if it is possible that the end of one life could be the beginning of another. I am not sure if I believe in reincarnation but I hope that the life you have after you die is somewhere else besides on this planet.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Yes a good question that I would ask is if you think you went somewhere would you like to return there when you die. This question made me look up this site in the first place. I want to know if anyone else has the desire to go back and if they feel as I do that this world sucks. And it was far better there.