Val C NDE

Experience Description

I want to preface my experience by telling you about two earlier NDEs I had as a child, and to explain the events of my childhood that led up to my main NDE story. I grew up in an abusive home. My father was violent. His favorite thing to do to me was to volley my head between his fists, and throw me into walls. He had also threatened to shoot me and my sister. Once he pointed a gun at my sister's head while she cried and begged for her life. She suffered from traumatic head injuries and was treated for these after she left home and went away to college.

The first NDE I had was when I was 9 years old. I have no memory of what caused the NDE, but I suspect it had been caused by something my father had done to me because my body was in the backyard. Our backyard was surrounded by thick, tall hedges so the neighbors couldn't see what was going on. What I do remember so clearly is that I was floating around the backyard feeling happier than I had ever felt. I was enjoying my out-of-body state without realizing that I was dead or could die. I don't remember a tunnel, but I did experience a bright light above me. I was instantly in a state of bliss and knew that this light was God. God spoke to me telepathically, but it was very clearly not my own thoughts. I was told that I was there to do something for God and was asked if I wanted to continue with what it was that I was supposed to do. I felt intense joy and fealty at the thought of being able to do something that would please God; whatever that was. I didn't seem to care what was asked of me because I was eager to do anything for God. I quickly said, 'Yes', not realizing that the choice was between dying or continuing my life. Although, I don't think it would have mattered to me because I was all in. God then told me that I needed to be baptized. I needed to go get my dad and tell him that I wanted to be baptized and to ask him to come and witness my baptism. The light left me and I was back in my body. I was disappointed to no longer have that feeling that was so wonderful and free. I was happy to get on with what I had to do for God. At the time, I believed that my purpose was limited to getting baptized, but I think that was because of my age and lack of understanding.

I should explain that My family had attended church together until my parents were kicked out the church for reasons unknown to me. I loved church and continued to go without my parents. I went inside the house and called out to my father who was in the basement. I said I needed to talk to him. He asked me to go and wait for him in the backyard. He came out and sat on the back steps. I told him that I wanted to be baptized and to have him present to witness it. He asked me why I wanted to be baptized. I told him that I wanted to serve God. He then asked me if the church had put me up to this. I told him, 'No. I just saw God. And God himself, had just now told me that he wanted me to get baptized.' My dad looked freaked out. He told me that he would talk to the preacher and ask permission to be able to be present at my baptism. He told me not to tell my mother that God had spoken to me or she would be greatly concerned.

I'm not sure why I was told to get baptized because I believe this to be a religious ritual that has no bearing on what happens when I die. I think it was an attempt to make it clear to my father that he had killed me (although I don't even remember if he did) and that there is a God. Perhaps it was an attempt to get him to think about what he was doing, although it didn't stop the violence. Nevertheless, at age 9, I was the youngest person ever to be baptized in that church. My parents were there in attendance even though they never again stepped foot in the church.

The second experience happened when I was a young child but I don't remember my age. It could have happened prior to the NDE that happened when I was 9. I remember feeling really sick. I was lying on the couch in the living room. I soon began to feel even worse and had the strange experience of hallucinating numbers. This experience was so bizarre that I really don't know how to explain it. There were equations scrolling in front of me and as they scrolled I suddenly understood mathematics that were way beyond me. It was like I intuitively knew all this math, which was especially weird because I was really bad at math. I knew what the equations were even though I was too young to have understood them at the time. This scared me because I knew this wasn't right, and I didn't want to have all this math in my head. I decided I needed to go get my mom and tell her that I was super sick and something was very wrong with me. Mom was in the kitchen sitting in a chair staring into space looking like she was deep in thought. I tried to communicate to her but it was as if she didn't hear me or know I was there. I finally gave up trying to get her attention and went back to the couch where I was confused for a moment to see myself already lying there. At the time I chalked it all up to being so sick that I was seeing things rather than understanding that I had been out of my body.

As the years passed I became mad at God. As a teenager, I couldn't understand why a loving God would allow me to be abused. I tried so hard to be good, this made no sense to me. When I was age 16, my dad picked me up from church and got mad at me over something I had said to him. He punched me so hard in the stomach that it knocked the air out of me. As I struggled to catch my breath, he told me that he hated me and had thought about killing me but was worried he'd get caught by the police. I entered a deep depression after that moment. I wished that he had killed me because it would have been better than living my awful life. I thought that I must be really unlovable and unworthy if even my own father hated me so much that he wished me dead. I decided that even if it was true that killing myself meant I would go to hell, I couldn't imagine hell being any worse than what I was living. I was willing to risk that. I proceeded to try various methods of killing myself, none of which worked. I loved to read. It was a wonderful escape from my reality into a different, albeit fictional one. My mother also liked to read. Every time she finished a book she placed it on a stack of books that she kept against the wall in her bedroom. I read every book that she read when she was finished with it. One day I picked Shirley MacLaine's book 'Out on a Limb' from her pile. If you aren't familiar with it, she wrote about reincarnation and aliens. It was the first time I had considered reincarnation and it prompted me to think that maybe the reason why my life was so awful. Maybe, I had been a horrible person in my past life and this was my karma. It also made me think that I might be able to make a deal with God. I said a prayer that was very fervent and deeply emotional. I told God that if reincarnation was real, I would make a deal with him. I told him that I would do absolutely anything he asked of me if only it was in another life, with another family, and where I was loved and not abused.

I had basically only been praying for death. Then I did die. I had a sudden, incredibly intense pain in the back of my head. I don't mean that I had an ordinary headache or even a migraine. No, this was the mother of all headaches. It was so painful that I was convinced that God was granting my wish but that I was going to die by my head exploding. It really did feel like there was a ton of pressure in my head and it was just going to explode. In later years I discussed this with my neurologist who said it sounded like I had a burst aneurism in my brain. If this is in fact what happened, it isn't so far-fetched to think I could have had one at age 16 since head trauma is one of the things that can cause them. Also, I was so upset at that moment, my blood pressure had probably risen. The other weird thing, was that I felt these areas of energy activate in a straight line up my body. I could feel them activate, one at a time, from the groin area and all the way up to the top of my head. I had no idea what chakras were and was surprised to learn about them later. The energy was especially strong at my throat. By the time I felt the point of energy activate at the top of my head, the pain was suddenly gone. I was out of my body, floating upwards.

I now found myself in an utterly black void. I was confused because my religion had taught me that a person either goes to heaven or hell. I didn't imagine death to be a situation where you maintained your consciousness but existed in nothingness. I wondered if perhaps my eyes just needed time to adjust to the lack of light. So, I squinted into the blackness to see if there was anything there at all. I thought to myself, 'Surely there is something here?' Instantly, I saw various geometrical shapes floating towards me on a grid. I have since read other people say that they learned from their NDE that who or what you see is based on what you expect; so that you are comforted. So, I suppose I experienced a void until I thought that there should be something. In which case, I got unspecific shapes because 'something' isn't a very specific thought.

Next, I thought, 'Where is God?' I had believed that I would meet God when I died. At this thought, my consciousness began to expand until it encompassed the entire universe. I was filled with the most amazing, unconditional love, and I knew that this love was God. It was a feeling and a love that is unlike anything you experience in life and I am unable to describe it in any way that does it justice. It was pure bliss. I was all at once, everywhere and a part of everything in existence. I was filled with all the knowledge that existed and knew everything there was to know. I was so loved! I realized that we are all connected to everything, even to trees and rocks and animals.

I then found myself in a place that looked like a cave that was filled with light. In this cave I hid behind a wall and peered around the corner at what looked like the stereotypical, grey alien with the big black eyes. I don't know if this was really an alien being or if she appeared as an alien because that was my expectation after reading the Shirley McClain book. I wasn't hiding because I was afraid of the alien, but because I knew I wasn't supposed to be there. I was supposed to be living my life on earth. The alien spoke to me telepathically and asked me if I was going to come out of hiding. Since she knew I was there, I stepped out to talk to her. I really don't know if the alien had a gender, I'm just calling it a 'her'. I was stunned by how beautiful she was. She had an alien body but her body was made of light. It looked something like an aurora borealis because her body was a moving light of a color that didn't exist on Earth.

I knew humans could be horribly fearful and violent. I didn't sense that the alien was afraid of me. But, I told her not to worry and that I wasn't going to hurt her because I was a nice human. She was trying to get me to pay attention to what looked like a flat-screen television on the wall of the cave. This was before flat-screen TVs were invented. It had scenes from my life playing on it, but I didn't want to take my eyes off of her because she was so beautiful and it's not every day that you get to meet an alien!

I said to her, 'Why do you keep trying to get me to look at that? I'm not interested in that. I already know about my life. I'm interested in you! You are so beautiful!' I then asked if I could look into her eyes, which she allowed. But, there was only blackness there. On the TV screen was a scene of me and my friends rehearsing the high school musical that I had a lead role in. I realized that if I died, the musical would be canceled. I had about 7 solos or duets in that musical and no understudy. Theatre and books were the only things that gave me joy in life and I couldn't take that joy away from the drama kids at school. As soon as I realized that I didn't want to hurt the kids at school by dying, I went flying backward at a high rate of speed to make a harsh landing into my body.

I promptly ran to the bathroom and vomited. When I came back, I retained an understanding of what I needed to do going forward. I needed to love my father unconditionally, the way I had been unconditionally loved in my NDE. I knew that my dad was hateful and violent because he felt unloved and that when people feel unloved that emptiness inside of them sometimes causes them to take their pain out on others. The problems we have in our world are caused by a lack of love for one another, and they are solved by loving each other unconditionally, having compassion instead of judging them. Even though I was a victim, I had also hated my father. I had gained the understanding that there is good in everyone, we just have to look for it. After two weeks of thinking about it, I finally came up with something about my dad that was good. My dad loved plants. He was horrible to people, but he gave a lot of care to cultivating our yard. In fact, we had the nicest yard in the neighborhood. We had flower beds, rose bushes, flowering trees, fruit trees, hedges, and so on. My father actually loved and cared for something. Every time he yelled at me I ignored the horrible things he was saying to me and repeatedly thought, 'You are a really great gardener,' while projecting love to him.

What I mean by projecting love is that I imagined love to be like a light or energy that expanded from my body when I had loving thoughts, and that this love would fill him. When I did this, it stopped him in his tracks even though I wasn't saying anything out loud. I did, however, remind him at other times that he was a good gardener and that we had the best yard in the neighborhood in order to remind him of the side of himself that was caring. He stopped being abusive and one day told me that he felt like I was the only person in the world who loved him. I had never actually said to him that I loved him, and yet my efforts to love him were affecting him. My sister hates our father and cringed when I told her about my NDE and what I had learned about needing to love him unconditionally. She told me that she thought I had Stockholm Syndrome. I know that this is a really hard thing for people to take in. It is really hard to love someone who has been cruel to you, but it helps to think of it as finding the good in them. That's where you start. You start by loving the goodness in people. It doesn't mean that you love the bad stuff, but that you have compassion for others by understanding that what causes people to be horrible to others is that they feel unloved themselves. Some people would say this doesn't hold for narcissists, but my dad is narcissistic and I truly believe it is an overcompensation for a deeply held fear of inadequacy.

At age 16, I never told anyone about what had happened to me and never went to a doctor to get checked out because I was sure that if I mentioned my experience to people, they would think that I was crazy. Still to this day, I feel reluctant to talk about it because I realize that not only do many people respond with skepticism to near-death experiences, but that mine has some strangely unique elements to it that would make me sound even crazier. I have many people in my life who are into science and think of NDEs as chemical reactions in a dying brain. What I experienced, however, was more real than what we think of as reality. It also changed my life profoundly. The important part of the after-affects were not how my body felt or whether or not I had developed abilities, but how different I became as a person.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 1988

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes likely a burst brain aneurysm. Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function) I experienced the worst headache I have ever experienced in my life in the back of my head. It was so painful I was convinced my head was going to explode. When I came back to my body I vomited. I get migraines, and this was nothing like my migraines. I did not get medical care but discussed it with my neurologist years later and he said it sounded like I had a burst brain aneurysm.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. In my everyday mind, I do not know all that there is to know and don't often feel myself to be connected to everything in existence.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When my consciousness expanded to fill the entire universe.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning It was as if time did not exist.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It wasn't that I had super hearing or vision, it was more like the telepathic communication was not a physical sound but also clearly not my own thoughts. The things I saw were not seen with physical eyes, so I was somehow able to perceive of all things at once and time didn't exist.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It wasn't that I had super hearing or vision, it was more like the telepathic communication was not a physical sound but also clearly not my own thoughts. The things I saw were not seen with physical eyes, so I was somehow able to perceive of all things at once and time didn't exist.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I don't remember a tunnel, but I also feel like there are parts of the NDE that I don't remember, like I wasn't allowed to bring parts of it back with me perhaps.

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes I saw a being that looked like a grey alien who had a grey body but yet whose body was also made of light.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes I don't remember a light at the end of a tunnel or anything like that, but the alien being I encountered was made up of the most beautiful light that was a color that doesn't exist. Also, in an earlier childhood NDE there was a light that I identified as God that spoke to me.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Some unfamiliar and strange place A void and a cave that was well lit.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Unconditional love. Also, there was a sense of fear that happened when I realized that if I died it would have a negative impact on the kids at school. I was suddenly afraid of dying when prior to this I had wanted to die so badly.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe Everything.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? I remembered many past events I don't think I came back with a complete memory of all aspects of the experience.

Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from my personal future Just the understanding that if I died the school would cancel our musical and this would be a negative experience for the drama kids.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Protestant I was Christian but had recently read a new age book and was contemplating reincarnation.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No. I don't consider myself any particular religion even though I consider myself to be deeply spiritual. I think there are things that religions get right - God is love for example - and lots of things that they don't get right.

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths I understand the importance of religion for people, but I have no need for it. No religion has completely captured what I know to be the truth.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. I believed in God and life after death and I had entertained the idea of aliens after reading that book, but I did not think I would encounter a void, or that my consciousness would expand to fill the entire universe, I did not really understand the concept of being one with the universe, and I thought like everyone else that I would encounter a light at the end of a tunnel which never seemed to happen for me.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes It's all about unconditional love.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin The alien spoke to me telepathically. The incredible unconditional love I felt was God.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Uncertain I think there may have been information about this that I was not able to completely remember upon return.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I directly experienced that oneness.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes God is love. Pure, unconditional love. We are all loved unconditionally by God.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I have already described this.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes I came back with the understanding that I needed to love everyone unconditionally, including and especially my father. I also needed to love life, despite the difficulties.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes It was a knowing that life continues after death.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Uncertain I was given the awareness that love is the most important thing and what it is all about. This includes loving life, despite the difficulties.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I was given the awareness that love is the most important thing and what it is all about. I understood that we need to love everyone unconditionally. I also came back with the understanding that we aren't just to love people but love life. I had been depressed and I not only worked on loving my father when I came back, but on loving my crazy life. I started by developing a sense of humor about the crappy and difficult things. I did crazy stuff to make myself laugh and have fun. For example, I love chocolate, so I took a bath in chocolate syrup and couldn't stop laughing at how silly this was. I did somersaults and cartwheels in a field and just anything that made me feel like a happy-go-lucky kid again. I reminded myself to look for and appreciate the beauty in the world as I had before I had become a sullen, depressed teenager. The other thing is, we try to avoid painful things, but that is where the treasure is. If you stop fighting the painful stuff and instead accept it, welcome it in, and feel it, that is how you find truth. I don't mean that we should create pain for ourselves or others, but that when something emotionally painful happens, dive into it. It's an opportunity to love and understand.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life. I have more wisdom and understanding. I am no longer depressed.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes When I talk about the unconditional love I experienced as God, there are no words in the English language that adequately describe how magnificent that was. Also, how do you describe a color that doesn't exist? I can't even remember what that color looked like.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. At the time, and for many years thereafter, I had vivid memories. What occurred was more real than real. However, it has been about 32 years since the last experience and sadly the vividness of the memories has faded. I still remember what occurred, but the memories don't have the same perceptual accuity to them. I'm not sure how to explain what I want to say.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I felt as though I did at the time, but I'm not sure if I can claim that any of my experiences were directly caused by the NDE.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? I feel like everything was significant.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I have shared it at various times in my life. My sister, as I said, couldn't accept the idea that we were to love our father unconditionally. Others have tried to explain it away with science. Some just listen. Frankly, I don't tell very many people. It's based on a personal story and I feel like it is an especially hard sell because I am saying I prayed for death and died. Also, I don't know what caused the earlier experiences I described. Furthermore, I have a lot of friends with advanced degrees who I am certain would think I had gone off the deep end or have embarrassingly entered new age territory. For the record, I don't consider myself new age and find many new age people to often be gullible, so I don't really want to be identified as such.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain I don't remember. I was only 16. I had only read Shirley McClain's book and I don't know if she mentions it or if I was exposed to the idea some other way. I do know that after this happened I did research at the library and found Raymond Moody's book.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I remember after coming back and running to the toilet to vomit, my next thought was, 'Wow! That was so, so real! That really just happened!' It did not feel like a dream or a hallucination. There was nothing vague about it. The emotions and feeling of love and expansion were very, very strong.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real There was a point in my life where I started to wonder if it was in fact caused by chemicals in a dying brain based upon something I had read about how they can cause you to have an NDE experience if they stimulate a particular part of the brain. Then I thought, but why would we have a 'God' area of the brain if there wasn't a reason for it? Also, the experience was just so damn real and profound. It's hard to just dismiss that. It completely changed my life. I do think, after studying these more, that when we die our expectations create some of what we experience. So some people may experience hell and others a particular religious figure or whatever. I don't think that means that the whole experience is based on our expectations, just that it makes sense that we are creative beings and also there may be a calming function to seeing Jesus or a meadow of flowers that matches your idea of heaven or whatever. I think this is why I saw geometric shapes in the void after thinking I should be seeing SOMETHING!

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Yes

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I have a completely different relationship with my father. He is still someone who has character flaws and can be self-centered, but he stopped being violent and mean to me after that experience and went out of his way to try to spend time with me. Feeling like someone loved him was healing for him, and he made major changes, but he still has a ways to go.