Wan Fu NDE

Experience Description

I am twenty-five years old this year. A childhood illness resulted in muscle atrophy of my body. From the age of sixteen, this atrophy was so bad that I was confined to a wheelchair. The failure of my business added to my depression. I started to get tired of the world and felt that I couldn’t live any longer. Life has no meaning for me, no future, and even the colors of the world are gray, black and white. Although I am alive, I am in so much pain. So, I chose to end my life. I took a bottle of sleeping pills for the treatment of depression. Lying in bed, I quietly waiting for death. I thought that taking sleeping pills would be the easiest way to die, but I was wrong. My consciousness gradually became blurred, and the five senses began to be out of control. Gradually, I could not hear the sounds around me. It was like being deprived of the five senses. I felt that I am slowly separated from the world. My pain is liberated; my heart is calm.

Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, like it was burning. It felt like I had drunken sulfuric acid and I was roasting in a fire. This heat spreads from the left side, to the right side, and down the intestines. My lungs felt like they were burning, so I couldn't breathe. The scary thing is that I still have a clear sense of consciousness. It spreads all over my internal organs. I don't know how long it took, but my consciousness began to unfocused. Maybe it was numb. Something keeps coming out of my mouth, probably stomach juice where it blocked my respiratory tract. The brain began to lack oxygen. At this time, I blame myself very much. I feel regret. I should not choose this way to kill myself. I should not die like this. I even began to miss the life of being confined in a wheelchair and getting blind. I can't move, can't ask for help, can't talk, and can't open my eyes. There is nothing to do except to accept the imminent death. I can feel the tears and vomit mixing on my face. This is a death without dignity. Suicide has always been the way of a coward, where death has lost its nobility.

The concept of time has ceased to exist for me. I only felt this endless suffering that has afflicted me. I don't know how much time passed. Then there was no feeling at all where any uncomfortable feelings dissipated. I felt very warm, like the warmth of a winter when wrapped in a quilt with my parents, or in the coziness of mother's womb without the threat of the cold. I think this should be the last moment.

Suddenly, the brain was like an explosion. All the memories in life are blown out. Every detail is very clear, and it is reflected in the form of visual senses. Yes, it is vision and can be seen. I saw that I was young and had to ask for five cents from my mother to buy popsicles. By my mother’s expression, I was told to cross the road carefully. As I watched myself tasting the popsicles, it is like a re-experience. I have experienced the life that I gave up again in the first-and-second-person perspective before I took the sleeping pills. It turned out to be, that everything is worth remembering. It is like a revolving lantern.

Then I saw my father's the orange cat that he had before he died. He rubbed his head against my body as usual, seeking my soft strokes. I can still smell the shampoo that my mother used to bathe. My surroundings gradually came into focus. I saw the sSofa, stove, coffee table, TV cabinet, TV, wall, clock on the wall, and a security door. This is the house I lived in before I moved, and have lived here for twenty years. My father is sitting on the opposite sofa. I am lying on the couch. The TV is showing the soap opera, 'The Zhong’s grocery store' a melodrama comedy shown on our local TV station at 6 o'clock every night.

Dad smoked a cigarette as he held a teacup. Dad asked me, 'Did you wake up?' I didn't dare talk because I couldn't tell if this was reality, a dream, or something else. I got scared because I know that my father is dead. It is impossible for him to be alive before my eyes. It has been four years, so how is it possible? Am I dead? I dare not ask this. My dad said, 'Get up and eat the food left for you.' I did it and then my dad spoke again saying, 'You still have something to do.' He then was talking to himself, 'She will be so sad. We are not there. How can she live?' His voice was getting louder and louder, like a stereo in amplified sound, and his face was also getting scarier. The infinitely magnified face and voice forced me to come back to my body.

I woke up again. This time I saw my mother who was looking at me with tears. She told my aunt that my eyes are opened. I still don't know if this is reality or another horrible dream. My cousin's cousin and my good friends are sitting on the bedside. My ex and first love girlfriend I had dated for seven years was also there. With so many acquaintances, I know that I was rescued and did not die. Everyone said, 'You should not do such a silly thing.' I have been recuperating for a few days and I am discharged. But I feel that I am insane because I can see two worlds, and they are all real. I don't know which one is the world I am in, or which is the real one. After that, something happened that made me fearful and anxious.