Tanya J Probable NDE

Experience Description

My ex-husband attempted to murder me. He staged a bank robbery. He had his best friend shoot me in the head at point blank range with a sawed-off shotgun. I was on life support and unconscious for over a month. This experience occurred after I had come off life support and was still partially paralyzed.

I had a nightmare from a different event, that was causing me to climb over the hospital bed rails. I would fall on the ground and re-injure my head. outside the hospital room, I had a police guard almost all of the time to ensue my safety. The nightmare occurred during a shift change.

The NDE experience happened while I was undergoing more emergency surgery to repair the damage caused by the fall.

I was in an earthen, vertical tunnel with caves hewn into the earth on all sides of me. There was a rough platform on which I was standing. There were people of all ages, moaning and dressed in ragged clothes all around me and reaching out trying to grab me. I was terrified and stood in the middle of the platform where I couldn't be reached, although their fingers almost touched me at times. The 'elevator' went up towards beautiful, bright daylight and down into inky, totally black darkness. Up and down. Sometimes up but never very far up and often down.

Suddenly I was conscious again, coming out of anesthesia and unable to move or speak.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: Aug 5 1985

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Surgery-related Criminal attack Direct head injury. During surgery following criminal attack. My ex-husband tried to have me murdered.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? No. I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. I am still jumpy and suffer PTSD. I am normally calm and 'able' and rarely panic, certainly outwardly. At the time of the NDE, I was filled with terror and panic.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? The experience seemed to go on and on. I was terrified and in a heightened state of alertness during all of it. I was both the person in the middle of the platform and also watching that person at the same time

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning. There was no beginning or end to the experience. I had no time to think or breathe in or out. It was pure experience with complete, utter terror and panic.

Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Prior to the experience I could barely move, speak or see. I had been in a coma for weeks and on life support. I was still partially paralyzed and unable to stand, walk, reach out, hold anything, or turn my head.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Hearing was louder. I heard loud moaning and there were people grabbing at me. I had been in a fairly quiet private room although I could hear the noise of a hospital in the distance outside.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes 'Passing into or through' sounds like you entered and/or left it but I was just 'in it' for the whole time

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Their bodies were in rags but I could still make out a human form. I was aware that they were all previously dead and that these forms were their spirits. They were all ages, but I didn't see any tiny babies. All were moaning and crying out in agony.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? An unusually bright light

Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain Bright light above but I don't think it was unearthly as such

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Some unfamiliar and strange place. The whole experience was terrifying. Clearly judging and a sharp awareness of good and bad. Very clear helplessness and total dependence. 'Everything' that ever was in my life but nothing specific.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Terror. Panic. Helplessness.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? No

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about myself or others. I understood everything and nothing. It was pure feeling. And 'knowledge' but not of any details, people, or events. I was one with everything around me and there was nothing else.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control. An odd, not linear 'understanding'. It was like everything and everyone significant in my life were there. I was very aware of the good and bad, in and around me. And yet I was alone and in rags. I could see myself as if I were outside of my body. And I was right there, in my body at the same time.

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Protestan.t Family never attended church, prayed, or believed in a higher power

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I'm not at a place where I can say I believe in God as per a religion. I'm afraid I find most religions violent, unloving, and probably motivated by human greed. But I do believe in spirit, good, and kindness.

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths. Non-practicing Bahai'i. I don't believe in God as such, but I feel most comfortable as part of this group. They accept my purely spiritual belief in a higher power that we don't properly understand

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. I have not really processed it in all these years, despite what I do for a living and all the personal development I have done. Everything at the time was pure feeling: terror; agony; panic; good or bad. The moaning was a kind of roar. I don't recall any smells or any other sensations.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I 'saw' and value other people, other than my sons who I always adored.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Uncertain Something around whether I was 'this' bad. Or good. Judgement was happening. I was going up and down: towards hell or towards the light with no control whatsoever. But there was a 'knowing' that if I somehow reached the light, I would get 'to do it again'.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Uncertain Something was judging me. There was something in control. I was aware of that something. But not in the sense that I could plead to it. There was nothing to be said or done.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain A kind of innate knowledge that I - we all - had to be good. But what was that? There were little children in the caves too but not in families as such. Nothing made sense. But there was a sense of good and bad. Not evil, just 'not good'.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes Unending agony. It seemed like hell, or the passage to hell. And above, there was bright light, heaven. The 'souls' were in human earthly bodies but in a state of permanent agony.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Uncertain Only that we had to be good. And that included working out what 'good' was.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Uncertain. I was vaguely aware of my children and loving them. I had 3 children under age 7 and I do know that I didn't even really know how many children I had or their ages, either during this experience or when I was in hospital before. They were part of me, rather than separate. Separation was mixed in with the agony but I can't be more specific.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life .Justice and fairness were always important to me but justice and fairness is really important to me now. I am quite shy but love and find good in everyone I meet. I am not so bound to 'rules' but to being just and kind to others. I am very aware of so many complexities in life, rather than simply good and bad. Freedom, free will, autonomy. I'm not sure if my NDE, if it was that, failed to 'tame' me? Or if it has and my sense of 'right' is right? It's also possible that as a young person with a mother who is narcissistic and a father who allowed my mother to 'rule' that I had not really understood right and wrong and valued others and that, somehow, my NDE exploded that and opened my heart? I still have many issues trusting even a partner (not my sons) but I think that inability to trust is due to repeated earthly experiences? I'm not sure. I appreciated the opportunity to explore my NDE more, guided by your questions, thank you.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? I am close to my sons but I always was. I can't seem to find and trust a partner but this is due, I think, to my life experiences. My mother is still alive, terrified of death but won't even speak of it and is dependent on me and has been most of my life. Interesting. I do care about people and my clients sense that and do valuable work with me and further their own PD.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes I still find it hard to put into words and in fact I very rarely have. Most people are unaware this happened to me. I never reported it to the doctors or nurses because I was unable to speak part of the time and when I did recover some speech I was unable to express something so complex. It was months or even several years before I had the verbal dexterity to express it.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I seem to be very good at counselling and specifically seeing how our physical wellbeing is tied to our psychological experiences. I 'see' people fairly clearly.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Was I 'saved' from 'doing bad'? I will never know.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Uncertain I shared parts of it with a very few people who seemed 'nosy curious' and so I didn't share in depth. It seems too precious and personal and warrants respect.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. There was never a doubt in my mind as to the reality of my experience and the why I am still not sure of. Although I am pretty sure it was to instill in me a sense of good, bad, and jJustice. Other people. Which maybe was skewed because of my mother. She definitely sees mostly herself and her feelings, and not others.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. My view has not really changed. There was never a doubt in my mind as to the reality of my experience and the why I am still not sure of. Although I am pretty sure it was to instill in me a sense of good, bad, and jJustice. Other people. Which maybe was skewed because of my mother. She definitely sees mostly herself and her feelings, and not others.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Not yet but I do take a while to process things

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